Send to Taiwan

Hi Alex,

Summer has proven far busier than I expected.  I still measure the years by “end of school” and “back to school”, so I always expect that in summer there will be nothing to do, alas, ‘tis not true!

In any case, I think about you every day.  I really wish that I lived down the street, so I could pop in with some groceries or a freshly baked loaf of bread.  Then we could have a chat over some green tea.  My latest favorite is a peach infused decaffeinated green tea.   But since I’m an ocean away and in the meantime, I’ll catch you up here.  By the way, while I write this I am drinking some of that tea.  Ian and I had our second home study meeting for the adoption.  (There are two group meetings and two private meetings – one at the agency and one at our home.)  I was so anxious about the private meeting.  I could barely speak and when I did, I didn’t make much sense.  You know when someone says, “Hello!’ and you say, “Good!”?  It was one of those.  I’m always thinking that they’re going to ask really personal questions and then respond in doubt with “Really?  Oh really?  Is that your final answer?” to our answers.  So I spent most of the meeting wondering why the social worker was talking so much and when was she going to get around to asking us about us.  It’s a complicated relationship, while I fear it, I’m also waiting to talk rather than listening.  Well, she never asked those personal questions.  She was basically just describing different birth mother scenarios, so we’d know what to expect – I figured this out about an hour into the meeting at which point I relaxed.  Ah, anticipation.  Anticipation is my enemy.  The next meeting is in September, so we have a little while, but it’s feeling like forever.  I’m often telling virtual strangers about our adoption plans.  Not like walking up to people and introducing myself and telling them, but when I’m working my shift at the Food Coop or at the Garden.  I’m surprised by some of the adoptism that is out there.  Someone always knows someone who adopted – usually from Russia – and the kid was a mess, killing puppies and kittens and hurting other children…so they had to send him back or their life has never been the same.  While I don’t think that they are lying, why do people say such things?  No one ever says to a pregnant woman, “Oh, I once knew a pregnant woman who gave birth and her son grew up to be Jeffrey Dahmer!”  Anyway, I guess I should get used to it.  People don’t always say exactly what we want them to, but that doesn’t mean we have to listen.

This weekend we head up to Maine for a week.  We’ve rented a house in Acadia, in Southwest Harbor.  It’s one of my favorite places in the world – of the places I’ve been.  I’m excited for the hikes, carriage roads and the fresh produce and a little taste of country living.  It’s one of the places you and I have in common, besides Cooperstown and the USVI.  One of my other favorite places in the world – ALEXIS -- is Hawksnest Beach at Caneel Bay.  Ian and I honeymooned there.  You can’t beat those beaches!  Congratulations and good luck with the planning and know that you really can’t go wrong with either of those options! 

Well I’ve gone on for a long time here.  Good luck this week.  I’m sending you strong, positive vibes.  And here’s another little mascot for you – your favorite feline friend, Mitsu!  Remember how much you loved petting her and letting her crawl on your head!  I don’t know if you can see it, but it appears that she is headed to Taiwan.  Please send my love to Julian.

xoj

PS.  I wrote this before you posted – so I just wanted to add that you look beautiful and James is beautiful and I love all of the photos.  I love how serious James looks before he is asked to “push” and then the glee that follows!  Hang in there, sweetie.  We are all pulling for you and sending lots and lots of health and love vibes.

 

 

Joy is James, James is Joy

Dear All,

So lovely to be welcomed by blog entries this morning. It has been one of the quietest stretches on the blog for a while, my silence stemming from a tough week emotionally. Yet I smiled in the hope that your silence was because you were probably all out and about, away from desks and computers, enjoying what the summer has to offer. As it should be! :-)

The last week had the makings of a pretty "blah" week for me - one of those where you feel low, but can't put your finger on why exactly you feel more down than usual. Chemo? Low immune system? Frustration? Fear? Sore body? Upcoming scans? All or none of the above? I have struggled with the ongoing issue of having to redefine "normal life", for I resist the new normalcy as it feels burdened and heavy, and I long for the lightness associated with summer and not having to think about my health. Admittedly, it has been a week of my bigger meltdowns - the need to just sit and cry it out, in frustration, in sadness, in tiredness, in longing. Sometimes, you just need to vent and have a good weep. I was asked what my plans were for the weekend, and the thought that first came to mind was, "I plan to fight, like I do everyday. I find it hard to plan beyond that..." In fact, the thought of orchestrating an excursion can make me incredibly anxious - I don't know why. I should want to "escape", to "get away", to seek "distraction"... but I find that the idea of being too far from home makes me agitated. It's as if I need the comfort of my routine, my things, my proximity to the hospital to feel "okay" at the moment. I guess that I also worry that I won't have the energy to carry the day out in the way that I envision. And yet I so badly wish I could take a vacation, that I could enjoy a "break" from all of this. I am a walking bundle of contradictions! But, as has been the case before in this journey of mine, the mood eventually lifted, dissipated, and enabled me to say, "Enough, Danda", and believe it. And so, I thought of plans - to take trips to see friends and family, to visit my 101 year old grandmother, to ride under the sails of the Alessandra, to see my dear cousin get married.... to heal, to recover, and to celebrate life. I plan for the future. And I learn to accept the present, and to live the day.

So, having survived a 5 day pity-party of my making (where the menu was tears, tears, and more tears and I was the only one in attendance), I spent the weekend refocussing on all of the joy in my life. And center stage, was James. I have attached recent photos of my munchkin - some taken in the park, where we played and had a lovely time, others taken on Sunday morning, when I was feeling particularly poorly physically, and James joined me for cuddles in bed. And the brief video is a snapshot of what never fails to make me smile - James' giggles. The new firetruck that Julian gave him is the source of endless fun, as you can see. Oh, by the way, James' first word is officially "duck", which I grin at given that it was my first word as a baby... he may look like Julian, but he's my boy! :-) I just adore him.

So, these are the images that are giving me strength as I prepare for my scans this Thursday, and my meeting with Dr. Plowman on Friday. I know that the news will have good parts, as I have seen and felt first hand the improvements. I am just hoping that there will be many good parts - that my liver has followed suit, and will similarly reflect the cancer once again in retreat. I want another "That's amazing!" from Dr. Plowman - why not aim high, I ask myself? My body continues to feel strong, aside from my feet and fingers that have once again become very sore and bright red and tender, freckled by my chemo burns. But heck, 95% of your body is healthy, I tell myself, don't ever forget that Danda.

It is time for a juice, as the fight goes on for yet another week. Brace yourself, Dr. Plowman, here I come. Hugs to all.

holding hands

Dear Danda,

An eventful week! Alessandra sets sail and I feel that I too have caught the winds of freedom in deciding that Jeff and I plan to be married in "the islands" in May. It took a dinner with my good friends, Vicky and Brett, stopping through town on their way back to Shanghai to make me realize that despite my desire to marry in a field or under an oak tree or in the dunes on Nantucket, that the USVI is home and there is something about going to be married that is my calling. If these friends say they will make the trip from China then I fully believe that others will make the trip as well!

Now on the the next stages, Caneel Bay or home? Both hold quite different possibilities so I will spend the week at work distracted by the options. I think Mom has caught on to my desire or a Caribbean wedding with an east coast sensibility. Think turquoise and kelly green.

I hope that you spent a nice weekend welcoming your mom back into town or spending time with Julian and James in the park. I know this week will be a long one as you prepare for your scan, but I am wishing you peace of mind and a clear head with positive thoughts that your healthful diet along with your enduring your treatments will yield positive results. Sending positive vibes your way! Have white blood cell counts returned to normal and is your body feeling stronger? Your troops are all behind you sending well wishes and holding hands with you in the middle trying to keep you safe and protected. A nice image when you think of us all around the world holdings hands.

Much Love,
Alexis

ANCHORS AWEIGH!

Dearest Alessandra - I give you ALESSANDRA leaving the dock on the Intercoastal Waterway in Ft. Lauderdale. From here she proceeded down-river to the meet the great Atlantic. As you can see, her bow seems to sense the huge expanse ahead. She looks a bit timid as if she had been away from the ocean's freedom for so long that she had forgotten the rhythm of wind and wave. I can assure you that this temerity was short lived. From Lauderdale to Bimini was the first night's adventure. Glassy seas, I gather, so she had time to "get her feet wet". From Bimini to Gun and Cat Cay where the water was so clear at night you could see the sea floor illuminated by the lights on the spreaders. "Magical", said Chris in a rare demonstrative expression of awe and elation. It must have been, or I would have heard "cool" or "really sick, man". Then on to Nassau to pick up Jessica, bringing the crew to full complement. Today, they sail southward down the Exuma Cays, a long line of atolls - flat, sandy pancakes in the middle of azure seas. Cell phone reception is spotty at best so the technical marvels of i-phone photography cannot bring us instant gratification in pictures. I presume we will have to wait until Turks and Caicos for further word.
Meanwhile ALESSANDRA is where she belongs, riding the high and free as a bird! God Bless her, and all who sail on her.

time

Hmmmm...it is Saturday the 18th. It looks like there haven't been any posts in about 5 days. Is time moving fast for all of us, or has something gone awry in my blog access? I realize now how accustomed I have become to regular additions and updates. And yet, I don't really have anything new, either. It has been a ridiculously rainy summer so far. Between the weather and the effort to get settled into the new house, there have been very few days that have felt like summer. On the house front, the unpacking continues. I finally found my shoes. We have emptied the hot tub and will try refilling it and sanitizing it ourselves with a non-chlorine system, and we'll keep our fingers crossed that Liza's hair won't get any greener (it is still tinted green, and Tessa still has "splotchies" -- my my). I caved to my husband's dream of a flat screen TV, but kept it to 32 inches. We have realized the broiler doesn't work. Etc, etc, etc. The biggest change is getting used to neighborhood living. We had 7 kids at our place yesterday afternoon! And two of the neighbor kids were at our door this morning before I was even out of my nightgown. And Liza is so independent, spending more time with friends than she is at home, all of a sudden. I am noticing new stages of letting go (for me, that is!), new kinds of limits to determine (like, no, i don't think it is okay for the two 6 year olds to play in my house when all the adults are two doors down). And then I have to challenge myself to figure out which new limits to immediately start letting go of (like, "It's 5:00, time for the neighbors to go home so we can have some family time." But 5 minutes later, the 6 year old is plopped in front of the TV while I make dinner...so, 5 minutes ago she was engaged in creative play with a friend, and now she is watching TV while I cook in the name of "family time."...hmmm...I either need to relinquish that new rule, or find some new creative ways to engage my kids in helping me make dinner. Change, reassess, change, reassess). I'm not particularly coherent -- time to sleep. But that is my update -- chaotic grammar and all!! I hope your week went fast through the crappy parts and slow through the wonderful parts. Thinking of you. Love - Lindsay

POSTIVEly STRONG!

Danda,

You are a strong woman if you can find the silver lining while being hooked up to an iv. Not an easy thing to do....to control the negative thoughts. I saw an interesting thing on the tv the other day. A woman who had been through a brutal car accident and was not in good shape was asked how she she stays so positive despite her circumstances. She said that she allows herself to cry for five minutes every day. But after that there is no more crying. I thought that wonderful, to give oneself permission to be sad or mad, but then to move on. Who knows, some days with permission granted, you may find yourself not needing to acknowledge your sadness and that day and what a wonderful day that is!

Your little James is something else. If he is not the cutest little boy on the block I don't know who is. In his blue and white stripe shirts and pajamas! I love his fashion sense- tres francais! all the way! I love my striped shirts like his, Jeff always laughs when I put them on. He says, "you, sailor, you." and giggles because he knows how much I love to wear my stripes and pretend I am in some French costal town about to walk to the corner boulangerie for my daily baguette! We can hope can't we!

I am so glad you had a wonderful day with James and that you were able to wander out to the park with him to see the world through his eyes and sighs-Cack!

I also see signs of your hair growing back. How exciting for you. Chiara said you looked like a sexy Sinead O'Conner. I take that as a compliment because I always thought she was striking and with your big brown eyes I can imagine you are looking striking yourself!

I have been watching the Tour de France. Simply amazing as always-they are about to head out of the Pyrenees. You should tune in if you get the channel. Your man Lance would make you proud! LIVE STRONG!


All my love,
Lex

"Cack!"

Dear All,

Just back from the hospital, having had my mid-cycle chemo. Bloodwork came back okay, although it is predicted that I will need six immune boosting shots next week, to keep the levels up. I sat there with my book, being hooked up to the usual IV pole, and admittedly was feeling a bit agitated, needing to work that extra bit harder to keep negative thoughts at bay. One of those mornings requiring some extra deep breaths... but then life reminded me to be thankful for all the good, as a man came into the Chemo Day Unit and sat on the bed next to mine, sharing with the nurse that he had had a shitty morning - his brain tumour was causing him to have mini siezures... and in that moment, I felt grateful for my own situation. It's all relative, isn't it?

I had a good weekend, where I immersed myself in James. We cuddled so much, we played for hours, and we marched, marched, marched! I attach photos taken of him in Kensington Gardens (where he adored the swans and ducks) and of him hanging out at home Sunday morning. He has also been babbling up a storm... his new sound is "Cack!"... we have been trying to gauge where the hell that comes from... is he trying to say "Duck"? "Quack"? Or could it be the charming beginnings of "Caca"?!!?... He says it with such intent and gusto - "Cack! Cack! Cack!" He has made me laugh out loud and smile from ear to ear.

I must go and lie down, as I let today's chemo do its thing. Hugs to all.

...and a writer

Yes, you are a fighter. And a believer. And by golly you have become a hell of a writer, too! You give new positive meaning to the words "shock and awe." You fill me with both, constantly. Yes, dance in victory, girlfriend. Keep hoping. Envision health. Dream of life. - Lindsay

SUNSHINE AND SIMPLE PLEASURES

Dear Danda - Saturday afternoon in Lincolnville Center, and it's STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL time! This, the 15th year of existence, proved to be the best yet. It is a simple celebration of bounty -strawberry shortcake, strawberry pie, strawberry preserves, strawberry this and strawberry that, plus kids blowing bubbles, face painting, hot dogs with homemade relish, crafts, white elephant sale and a concert by the mighty Lincolnville Band, some 30 strong. There is a parade with old cars, kids on their bikes all fancied up with crepe paper, the firetruck, and assorted other conveyances. People drift around, neighbor greets neighbor and people "from away" must wonder what planet they are on. When the band has blown its last tuba note, the Breezemere Bottom Boys take to the shade of a tree and sing old county tunes. The crowd hums along. Even the bumble bees on a nearby flower know the harmony. In his debut, Caleb, the cutest kid in Lincolnville, fiddled his way through some "comfort tunes". No concert was ever better. Simple pleasures. No mics. No stage. No amplification. Just a sunny summer moment at the old white clapboard church in rural Maine. Ayah, sure is right peaceful.

a fighting spirit!

Danda,

You ARE a fighter of the highest caliber. You have been your whole life. When things stood in your way you did not pity yourself, you bulldozed over adversity to show yourself you could achieve anything you put your mind to. Do you think this is perhaps what families who wait in line for an appointment with you see? I think so. They see someone who will help their children overcome their limitations because they see someone who is confident and that outs them at ease.

You do your victory dance. Even if the dance does not include jumping up and down you can close your eyes and imagine yourself dancing the Paso Dobles against cancer and beautifully defeating the horned bull who circles around you, or take yourself to Africa with the Kenyan Boys Choir (who do have a beautiful sound!) and let your body go, stomping your feet to the tribal voices that soar above strife in their homeland-there is a reason their first album was called Spirit of Africa becuase it is one's spirit that is the essence of who they are. Your spirit can carry you through.

Your spirit, Danda, will prevail. Looking in the mirror you see the battle wounds that you have endured, but that does not define you. It is that fighting spirit that continues to shine through. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are someone we are all so proud of and you will beat this thing. Allow yourself to hope. It is human to hope. It propels us forward. It helps us live for the next day when things can be better than the day before in any small way. I hope for you all the time and will not stop.

I love you so much. And send you all my hope not in a bottle, but in the air that fills your lungs and allows you to take deep breaths and put you at ease. Keep it up! You are making progress! Your body may be weak, but your SPIRIT is strong (I cannot change this line to green to match the rest of the post, I think someone is trying to tell me something-maybe they secretly want this line to stand out, so I will stop fighting it and let it be!)

Big hugs and kisses,

Alexis

Music and Dancing.

Dear All,

I have Melody Gardot (Album: "My One and Only Thrill") playing in the background... a jazz singer who I came across one morning while listening to the BBC breakfast news. I love her sound - her music is soothing to me, and although some of her tunes have a melancholy tone, I find them comforting. Hers is a story of success over adversity, and I guess it strikes a chord with me. She began composing music when in hospital for months as a result of being hit by a car while riding her bicycle. She went through gruelling physical and cognitive rehab, and found strength in music therapy. Her recovery, while still a work in progress, has been amazing, and her music a testament to determination and creating opportunity from crisis. So, she is "with me" this morning, as I sip my cup of green tea. I have also been listening to the Kenyan Boys Choir, which I also recommend. Simple and uplifting in its rhythms, powerful and touching in its tones, I again am drawn to the story behind the music and find companionship in the positivity that underlies every note.

I have been emotional the past couple of days. Tearful in releasing the combination of fear and hope that live in me. I would say that my hope grows with every day, as I see the physical signs of improvement. In the past, I used to always say, "I shouldn't get my hopes up"... but heck, I now live constantly hoping, willing that hope, envisioning hope, owning that hope as tangibly as I can. I made a pact with myself that I would stop feeling for the tumors in my breast and armpit... but I can see that they are all but disappearing. I cry as I type these words, because the hope is so overwhelming, as I tell myself that it is okay, it is more than okay, to witness the improvements and to dare to hope that this momentum will continue, and that my steps forward will become all the more permanent in the shifting sands of this journey. I want this so badly, so very badly. I did a victory dance in the bathroom after my shower as I stood in front of my mirror and bore witness to the fighter that I am - I still have dark big scars on my chest where my lung tubes were inserted, I still have the bruise on my breast (believe it or not) where they first did my biopsy in December, I have chemo burns on my face, my hands, my feet, I have my portacath bulging from below my collarbone, I have markings all over my arms and thighs from the shots and needles that I get on a regular basis, I have fuzz on my head and the beginnings of eyebrows and eyelashes again, I am skinny... but I shouted to that tired and wounded fighter, "You are doing this! You are in recovery!"... and the fighter smiled back at me, through the tears ... and danced the victory dance.

All your posts, your love, your support, your messages, are the music that plays as I do that dance. Words cannot express how grateful I am for that, and how much each and every note that you all play carries me forward. I not only have amazing troops... my troops are a wonderful choir.

we moved!

Hello! I've been absent while in the midst of a move -- and we are finally in the new house, reasonably settled, and even connected to the Internet. It feels GREAT to re-open the blog, read back through all the old posts I have missed, watch all the fun video clips (congratulations to our fearless leader on her engagement! Lucky man), and mostly, Alex, to hear your voice and your updates and feel close to you, again. Man, I miss you. I wish you could come see my new house. I can just hear you telling me how wonderful it is, even the crappy parts. :-) There have been a few funny transition moments. Like...the former owners left behind the water test kit for the wee little hot tub on the back deck (this is the world's most basic hot tub; Chris calls it "The very first hot tub ever made"). The test kit kept telling us that the chlorine level was super duper low, so we kept adding more and more. Until one day we realized Liza's hair is GREEN. Seriously. Not just tinted a little bit green if you see it in certain lights kind of green -- actually GREEN. With a touch of turquoise to the shade. Luckily she likes the color. So, because of our very powerful deductive reasoning skills, we thought that perhaps our test kit was lying. We got a new one, and indeed, the chlorine levels were off the charts high. Ooops. Then there's the first time we used the fire pit. We sat around, happy family moment, and made smores over the fire. Did I say fire? That is a little bit of a misnomer. Ya see, we used these little handy dry chunks of wood that the former owners left behind. Turns out they were smoke producing, not fire producing...intended to be used in smoke cookers. Mmmmmm, hickory smoked smores! And then there is my foot wear. The two rooms I haven't managed to unpack are the office and the mudroom. Can't say I miss the, office, really, but I do rather miss my shoes. All of my work appropriate shoes are hiding somewhere in a box I can't seem to locate, yet. Well, ALMOST all my work shoes. Luckily one pair got packed in a suitcase and was readily accessible. Of course they are black velvet pumps and it's the middle of July, but I suppose they are better than my Chacos! I kid you not, I went to work all week in my black velvet pumps. Today I wore my summery, flowy khaki pants, a white tank top, silver jewelry, and my black velvet pumps. I'm pretty sure Prada wants me to come be their next runway model based solely on my magnificent display of fashion sense and flair, or is it flare? Ahhh yes, NYC, here I come!!! But luckily, that is the level of glitch into which we have run. All things we have enjoyed with laughter. And there are so many wonderful things...eating meals in the sunroom where it feels like we are on vacation; watching Liza ride her two wheeler up and down the dirt road with her buddies from next door; watching the sunset over our little tiny peek of a view of a ridge line; sitting in the wee little hot tub; settling into bed in a bedroom that is small but clean, simple, and refuge like (as opposed to my old autrocity of a bedroom with a turquoise rug, no closet doors, and a falling apart ceiling that always reminded me of my To Do list). Ahhhh. One of these days I'll manage to take some photos of the girls at play in our new favorite places, and I'll remember how to post photos. For now -- bed time. The push of the move, along with a busy work week and a couple of poor sleep nights thanks to the rash Tessa got from the chlorine (that was the less funny part of THAT story!!) have made me sssslllleeeepppppyyyyy.

But before I sign off...Alex, you amaze me. Your posts have such wisdom, such grace, such honesty, such power, such strength, such love, such intelligence, such tenderness, such intensity. You are astonishing. Those are all characteristics that I already knew you had, of course. But to see them shining through even in these hardest of times is still astonishing. Cancer sucks. You rock. I'm sending love and fight vibes that are going to climb into your bloodstream and join the fight with your immune system and the chemo and the radiation. I'm sending them so hard it is making me ache. I love you - Lindsay

Hooray for Love!

Dear All,

Hooray for love!!!! I am sitting here grinning at the thought of your engagement Alexis - such wonderfully happy news, and the little video Lisa posted just exudes joy. I am so thrilled for you. So, so, so thrilled. And I can't wait to meet Jeff!! I wish I was there to give you the biggest of hugs. Hooray for love!

I got through a full day at the hospital getting my triple chemos yesterday, and have to say that, physically, I am feeling okay today. Tired, a little queasy, but otherwise fine. It will be a few days before I can guage whether the sore feet/hand and ulcers are going to emerge again, and I am hoping that this time around, the whole ordeal will be tapered. Emotionally, I have been tearful - one of those days where I feel the weight of it all and have had a little pity party, and then realise that I am the only one in attendance and so snap out of it Danda. So I think of friends and family, and all the love in my life... now that's a party worth going to. And my spirits lift, I refocus, I take those deep breaths, I keep aiming for the goal, and I tell myself that I can do it as I am not in this alone... Hooray for love!

In just a matter of days, James has become the Energiser bunny with an extra battery attached to his butt... Sitting down is no longer entertaining, when you have learned to propel yourself forward at increasing speed and momentum. He gets such a kick out of being mobile, and insists on marching on and on and on, in endless laps of our apartment and the nearby park! He never fails to make my day, to make me laugh, to make me feel good about so much, and to make me appreciate how wonderful it is to be a mother. Hooray for love!

Hugs to all.

love

Danda,

Yes it's true...little Lexie is all grown up. Well kind of...since she still asks the jeweler who made the ring if it is a good idea to garden and cut down trees in my ring? Basically questioning how strong the ring is. Guess that was not the right question to ask the woman who laboriously crafted this sentiment of love! Oh well!

But yes, it was an amazing weekend and I could not have been happier to have mom and dad there as witness. It was a crystal clear day that came out of nowhere, not a cloud in the sky, a stiff warm breeze blew sailboats around the harbor in front of us and the ultimate in serendipitous luck there was a wedding unfolding on the other side of the beach.

I am thrilled that Jeff and I are bound for a life together and can't wait to for all my other friends and family to meet him. I hope the thought brings a warm smile to your face-you will love him! I am wishing you well you undergo treatment tomorrow. Think of the future and renewing your own vows someday soon!

Love,
Lex

4th of July - Nantucket Style

Dearest Danda - This one's for you... a happy, happy moment that will lift even the most flagging spirit! It was a red, white and blue weekend! The video is self-explanatory and no roman candle could have generated more delight in everyone's eye The sparklers stayed in their boxes. Who needed sparklers? They were highly visible on the ring finger of Lexie's left hand. So here they are - the soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Madison of Sausalito, CA! When the final step in the saga takes place is up to them. A Caribbean wedding? Nantucket? Napa/Sonoma? What date? As Uncle Geoffrey says, most sagely, "It will all become clear". Meanwhile, the mother and father of the bride are saving coupons and eating leftovers in anticipation of the upcoming festivities.

RAIN

Hi Panda,

Just a quick message to say hello, while out of the window the most amazing summer thunderstorm whips the windows, the roofs, and everything I can see with heavy, noisy rain. It's night, we turned off the lights, and now only the lightnings (and the computer screen) throw some light in the room. It's getting stronger by the minute. It's beautiful. Tomorrow morning there will be a few leaves and sticks on the roads, but no other sign of the storm and the sun will shine as if nothing had happened. (Nonetheless I wouldn't want to be on the mountain now, where all the lightnings seem to come from).

Today I thought of you, starting your Chapter 2, Round 3. Hang on in there--I send good vibes your way continuously.

A rainy hug.

Be Aware of Wonder!

Alex,

Your recent posts have definately made me smile. Your decision to make your day great by finding pleasure in the simple moments of the day and your post about creating your own fireworks reminded me of a quote that I love, "Be Aware of Wonder". This actually comes from the book, "Everything I Really Needed to Know I Learned In Kindergarten". The author talks about the beauty in our lives everyday that children see with wonder and amazement and as adults we start looking at the 'explanations' behind all that is beautiful and wonderous in life. This quote reminds me to look at the moments, just like James does with the toilet paper, and find the wonder in that seemingly small experience.

I too have been doing this during this wonderful long weekend. I spent some time at a pool with a friend of mine - reading a good book, feeling the sunshine, and swimming in the water were all wonderful. I also went to a free July 4'th concert yesterday and was taken back in time as I listened to performances by Richard Marx and Pat Benetar. Gosh, that was so much fun. My friend Walter and I through caution to the wind and danced in the middle of the crowd, enjoying the music and beautiful weather.

So, my friend, I wish you many more days like your recent ones and know that I am going to continue to do the same. Oh, and by the way, I love that you are reading Eat, Pray, Love. It is on the top of my favorite books I have read over the past year. It is fun and thought provocing all at the same time.

Love and Hugs to All on This Blog and Happy 4'th.

Mary

Lance

Dear Danda!

In addition to being the Fourth of July today, you probably know that it is also the start of the Tour de France, featuring Lance's big comeback. Here in Austin, TX--which is where Lance lives and where he has a huge fan base--this is yet another reason to celebrate with fireworks. The heart of the matter being not so much whether he wins as much as proving that he's still well and kicking and another year cancer-free (as he says, anyway). I thought of you the other day when I saw this new ad of his for Nike, and I'm posting a link here for a mood boost:

http://www.nike.com/nikeos/p/nike/en_US/

Inspired by your fight and journey so far, a few weeks ago Lucas and I also ventured out to two of Austin's key locations with the purpose of soaking up some good vibes and sending them your way: Whole Foods, which is headquartered here (founder John Mackay is a regular shopper; I saw him buying strawberries the other day), and Mellow Johnny's, which is Lance Armstrong's relatively new bike shop. We wandered around, thought of you at each place, and took some photos in your honor to inspire you to keep kicking that f--cker.

Now, the name Mellow Johnny's, you should know, is a play on "maillot jaune." Clever, right? Well, next to it is a coffee shop, also owned by Lance, and it is named Juan Pelota. . . .Get it?! I scratched my head for a whole two hours before I realized the meaning and bust out laughing. So! Here's celebrating the man who just conceived a fourth baby with all of one ball, and here's celebrating you, a fighter with more balls than any of us can dream of.

xxx Katie

Creating Your Own Fireworks.

Dear All,

Just a quick note to all of those stateside to say Happy 4th of July. While we did not have fireworks here on this side of the pond, James taught me today that you can create your own fireworks in finding fun in so many different and simple forms.... if he could talk, he would most certainly want to ask you, "Have you ever tussled with a toilet paper roll? Raced in a supermarket trolley? Played bare foot in the sand? And isn't walking absolutely WONDERFUL?" Snapshots of our day. :-)

Hugs to all.

Inner Peace

Note: I published this post on June 30th right after yours but, as I used an old draft I had started on 6 June and never published, it only appeared in the old part of the blog. So here I am reposting it!...sorry for the technology glitch! :)


Hi Danda,

it feels like ages since I last wrote in the blog but I have felt uplifted reading your entries, witnessing your fighting spirit and your growing wisdom (and of course, all the wonderful and inspiring entries of your friends and family)! You are always in my prayers, and before falling asleep I quietly send you a heartfelt whisp of positive and peaceful energy. There´s nothing more beautiful in life, I feel, than to have inner peace. It´s something rare and hard to achieve but it is the basis of fully appreciating all the other beautiful presents this life gives us, as well as a source of strength in the face of life´s challenges.

I recently opened my "Sailing to Barcelona" diary and read the following entry, which I thought I´d share with you...(not the best writing but I guess you´ll get the gist:) )

"Be flexible. Work on the frame, on the essentials. Then let things flow. Trust. Believe. Be positive. Take initiative. Be ready to shift tactics with the changing winds. Pronti per virare! (a sailing term I learned at the Sardegna sailing camp) Keep the objectives clear...punto di riferimento a terra! (another sailing term) Adapt to, and make the best of, the changing winds. Trust yourself, believe in your own capacities. You are your own pillar. Know when and where to lean, how to lean on other pillars. Fight your battles constructively, gracefully. Be wise in knowing when to tighten the sail and when to loosen it. Never force. Fight but never force or the sail may break under the wind´s strength. Flexibility will get you far, to your objective. Clarity at all times. Turn a threat into an opportunity. A sudden change in wind can either stop the boat or give you a refreshing boost."

Bueno, querida, thinking of you and your family so much and wishing you love and healing (both of which you have!). I leave you with a few quotes that I hope will bring you more courage, faith and positivity (if that´s possible as you are quite a Superwoman!):

"The first steps are worthless if the path is not followed to its end." -- Parminder Singh

"You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true." -- Richard Bach

"Your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing." -- Abraham Lincoln

"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time." -- Leo Tolstoy

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." -- Albert Einstein

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe

sing on, sing on!

Danda,

I smiled as I read your post. I only caught on to the reputations of great half way through because I kept envisioning each great moment and thinking to myself how great each little story in your day was. Then I realized you were calling out how important each moment is in one's day. No matter how small we should look inward and find the "great" in each thing we do because as you alluded to life is precious and we can make our days what we want even if we feel we don't have total control. I think it is something to strive for in life, to ensure that no matter the 10 hours we spend at work a day that there is something in it for us each day...something great!

I kept waiting for your "but". For your "then, things weren't so great". But it never came. You managed happiness despite the disease, its side effects and doubt in your mind. Those are not "buts" those are acknowledgements of your current health and that is what makes you special and a fighter that we can all get behind. Danda, your strides in self-awareness are huge, your voice is that of woman three times your age. Sage and patient. You are my role model of how to live life full and well. I look up to you to see how I can live better, thank you. You are making a difference in all of our lives. I know you will beat this thing with your attitude, your body just needs to play catch up...you are way ahead of it!

This morning I woke at 6am to get an early start on the day. Jeff and I leave for Nantucket tonight for the weekend and I wanted to make sure I had enough time to get myself together so I could leave home feeling everything had been put to bed and I was not forgetting anything.

I showered and then promptly went to the garden we planted this weekend with new blooms to give them their morning shower knowing they would go without for a few days. Jeff, miraculously also woke early probably to take advantage of the extra time to get himself ready to leave as well. The time we spent together this morning was great. It was not us sitting side by side, but it was taking the time in the morning to co-exist before going our separate ways. We made breakfast independently by exchanged words as he went in one room and I in the next as we buzzed around. He walked down to the store to get milk for coffee and I moved the hose from plant to plant. My time with the plants was great. My time with Jeff was great. I left the house calmly with a smile on my face which was great. I appreciated my day and what it offered me so I can completely hear where you are coming from. Fireworks do not make for happiness; sparklers held tight in one's hand are much more satisfying! Happy 4th of July!

By the way I am beginning to believe that shake of carrot, apple, mint and lime fresh juice does sound great! I will have to try one. My next post I will ellaborate on all that I have heard recently about you are what you eat. Danda, keep eating well, it has a profound effect on your health! Great work Chiara and Anthony! Keep the organics coming!

All my love and support,

Alexis

Making it great enough to sing about.

Dear All,

I was supposed to spend the entire day in hospital, needled and hooked up to IV's and drugs... but I got a call yesterday, and was told that my immune system was far too low to proceed with chemo (white cell count was 0.82, and it needs to at least be above 3 in order to avoid complications from chemo,... FYI, "healthy" people typically have a score above 6 or 7...). So, my chemo has had to be postponed until Monday, and in the interim I have to once again get daily bone marrow boosting shots, with the goal of helping my immune system recuperate. While the words "delay" and "postpone" made me instinctively nervous, I have come to accept that this journey has to take its own course, and that unpredictability and a change in course are not necessarily a bad thing.

So, with the knowledge that I would not be spending the day in hospital after all, I woke up this morning determined to turn what was originally scheduled to be an awful day into a "GREAT day"....

I got out of bed to the sound of clapping and babbling coming from James' room, and I was greeted with the biggest of smiles and sloppy kisses as I picked him up and held him. And that made me feel great. He gobbled his breakfast and then proceeded to want to share in my cinnamon toast, while simultaneously giggling as he sat on my lap and we played. And that made me feel great. Julian got up a little later and was greeted with squeals from his son and tight cuddles, which was so tender to see. And that made me feel great. We then said goodbye to my parents who headed back to Madrid this morning and, holding James in my arms, I focussed on the fact of how lucky I am to have their close support and that they would be back soon. And that made me feel great. With Julian off to work, I spent the morning accomplishing a lot of little things that had been "hanging" and that needed to be done, while still stealing moments with James as rewards for my diligence. I tied up a lot of loose ends, and that made me feel great. I then headed to the park with James and Kelly, and spent time with them in the sand pit and on the swings, loving the wonder and curiosity with which James takes the world in, and feeling proud that he offered to share his rake and spade with a little girl (even if only for 30 seconds, after which he promptly - and firmly - reached for it back!). And that made me feel great. I left Kelly and James to take a walk on my own, where I found a quiet spot in a little field of the park, laid down my blanket and, with eyes closed and wig off, I lay listening to a guided meditation piece by John Kabat-Zinn for an hour. I am terrible at meditating, but I am trying hard and know it is a quest of patience, so I gave it my best... I fell asleep (ehm!), and woke up as the piece ended, feeling rested and relaxed (although maybe not as "aware" as I should have been!). And that made me feel great. I stayed there, under the shade of an oak tree, and ate my lunch quietly while reading a book ("Eat, Love, Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert - a fun and thought provoking read which I recommend), wig still off, bare feet on the grass, sun on my face. And that made me feel great. I strolled home, picking up a little pot of yellow orchids to give to my nanny to put in the bedroom of her new flat, as she prepares for the arrival of her baby in a month - I bought it "just because" I felt like it, and that made me feel great. I got home and made myself a carrot, apple, mint and lime fresh juice, and sipped it slowly, loving the fact that it was healthy and delicious. And that made me feel great. James got back from the park a little after me, and he was rosy cheeked and sandy and sleepy, and we snuggled as I settled him down for an afternoon nap. And that made me feel great. Chiara called me, on her way out of the office, and we met in the park, for a sisterly chat and to enjoy the sights that are inherent to a peaceful, sunny afternoon. And that made me feel great. Homebound to spend time with James and Julian, yet another fresh vegetable juice made, James tucked in bed sleeping peacefully, healthy dinner cooked, news that my parents have arrived safely in Madrid, and soon time for bed. And that has made me feel great.

While I know that days like these are not necessarily a reality of normal life (few have the "luxury" of living the day "indulging" on what one needs rather than what one should/has to do), the essence of the day can become my reality. The change in plans offered me the opportunity to seek the positive and make the day great. To appreciate the great that is in my life (love, family, being able to get out of bed in the morning....), the good that comes from valuing health first and what it means to truly want to be healthy, and the peace inherent to making time for "me". It can be tangible, for anyone. Even if to a lesser or greater degree, it is possible. It becomes a choice, where excuses pale.

But let's interject some darker pieces to all this, so that it doesn't sound too unreasonably pink and fluffy... my feet are better, but still a bit sore, so while others walked around in cool flip flops on this hot day, I waddled in sneakers with big cushioned soles... my tongue has a huge, awful ulcer from treatment which is simply not healing due to my low immune system, no matter what remedy I seem to apply, so eating is absolute torture... I am still fatigued by doing so little and my chest was sore today... I am struggling with yet another chemo side effect of a constantly runny nose which has me using Kleenex like it's going out of fashion... I had many thoughts today about negative "what if's", which I systematically, in my daily effort, pushed aside... I wished a hundred times that I did not have cancer in my life, and each time I wished to live....

But it still has been a great day, because it could have been a whole lot worse. I attach a couple of recent photos of James. As you can see in one of the pics, I call him my choir boy as he loves to sing (opera, I might add)... and today has been worth singing about.

Hugs to all.

So Much Wisdom

Hello Alex,

Thank you so much for the updates and the photos of James. He is growing so fast and has such a fantastic smile!

It is late here in California and as always I am ending my night checking for the latest words of wisdom (there is so much on this blog) - it is nice to feel connected to so many people who will be with you through this battle and who will be there throughout your life to celebrate. I am inspired to change my ways - of course it is a daily struggle, but I agree that being stressed and pressured is not a virtue. I think of you everyday and it changes how I live my life. Thank you for that.

You can do this! ! I love you
Lisa

DON'T LET THE TURKEYS GET YOU DOWN

Good morning from a VERY soggy, foggy From Away Farm. The mist is very irish, when it is misting and very Maine when it is pouring as it has done for the last 2 weeks. I look out the window and down to the pond almost hidden in the gray dampness. And speaking of windows and looking - LOOK! Here is my Thanksgiving feast marching across the garden on their was to the woods at the end of the road. I presume you will be able to see this as it is my first time for uploading a video from my tiny camera. (don't laugh, I learn these things slowly! I am always afraid some troll will come out of the computer and hit me with a bat, rather like the clowns do in the circus Anyway, the turkeys are, it would seem, a splinter group from last year's army of 22. I guess the neighbors ate the others. I know Thursday looks like lead on the horizon, but just march on like these turkeys. After all, they made it!!!!!!

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone.
You'll NEVER walk alone. - Oscar Hammerstein

Letting Go and Resting.

Dear All,

The skies outside my window are looking ominously grey... we've had several days of warm and humid weather, so a rain shower is in order. Chiara is camping out in Wimbledon's park for the day and overnight, in line for tickets to see some good tennis tomorrow. Luckily, she and Anthony have brought a tent with them and, per her last cell phone call, they have settled nicely into the spirit of the crowd who have similarly flocked to participate in British sporting tradition. These are hard core fans, who patiently wait for hours on end and enjoy the atmosphere of doing so, in order to be rewarded with tickets in hand tomorrow morning. I so wish I was healthy enough to join them, but that shall have to wait until next year. Wimbledon 2010, I will be there.

This weekend has certainly been "different" for me, in that James went down to Sevenoaks yesterday with Julian for an overnight stay. Orchestrated so as to give James time with his Murdoch grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, and to give him exclusive "Daddy" time with Julian, it had also been arranged to give me a chance to get some rest, and focus on "me". Admittedly, I have missed my boys so much! There I was, packing everything up for them, and all of a sudden having such a hard time letting James go. "It's just one night, for goodness sake!" I told myself, appalled at how completely clingy I was. I then realised that I had never been separated from James for a night except for when I was in hospital - being apart from him has always been associated with my being unwell, so it just felt so strange to imagine choosing to be apart... oh, clingy mother that I am.... it was all about me. In fact, James was a bundle of excitement that morning, aware that there was something "fun" happening, and that he was going to be part of that "fun". So, he and Daddy set off, loaded up with food, clothes, nappies and toys, on their "boys' adventure" to Kent. Julian has sweetly called me throughout, touching base to let me know that all is well. Actually, that is an understatement: all is more than well! I have heard James in the background squealing with laughter, I have heard stories of his romps in the garden as Julian shares with him the wonders of flowers and plants, I have been told of his play time with his cousins and his delight with getting to know Max the dog, I have been told that he has been introduced to even more foods that he drools over - marmite, apricots - (this child simply loves to eat!), I have learned that he slept 12 hours last night loving the fresh country air of the open bedroom window... my son has had a blast! I attach a photo of him on the swings. I can "hear" Julian's smile over the phone as he fills me in on their latest activity, and I just love the image of father and son together, en famille, enjoying their weekend away. But let's be honest, I remain clingy, and super excited to have them back this evening! I adore my boys.

So yes, I have "let go" of my munchkin for a moment, and have turned to trying to rest. I have slept in this morning, and have taken naps. I have focused on just "being". No computer until now, no calls. I have put aside the "I must do..." list and the "I should do..." list (both of which are endless), and simply tried to give myself permission to sit and do whatever the moment brings, in the knowledge that others will understand my need to do so. My feet are a lot better, but still sore and swollen, so I have not walked much, trying to have them heal as best as possible. I feel very fatigued, even after seeking "down time", so again I am reminded that I am in the thick of treatment, and that I must be gentle on myself and taper my expectations of all the "doing". It is my goal to try to build-up my strength in preparation for the next round, for I begin cycle #3 of chemo on Thursday, where I get the triple whammy of two different chemos (Oral & IV) plus the third anti-angiogenesis IV medication. Another full day in hospital, another round of battling this disease in full force. My weight is proving harder to maintain, but I keep at it as best as I can, forcing myself to eat as much as I can stomach, although zero appetite and multiple mouth ulcers don't make it easy.

And so it goes, as they say, one week at a time. I am learning to "let go" and to rest, while all the time never ceasing to appreciate all the fighting that both my body and mind are doing 24/7. Because, on the latter front, I refuse to stop, even for a second.

Hugs to all.

The magic of fireworks

Hi Panda,

Yesterday was the last day of the Feste Vigiliane, a week of festivities that takes place every year here, in honor of the saint patron of the city. It includes a raft race in the river, a 1 km swim in the river from one bridge to another, a reconstruction of a fully operational medieval town in the main square and streets of the city center... lots of interesting crazy things, most of which, I admit, I missed. But I didn't miss the fireworks that last night concluded the festivities. If I had, I would have missed a unique experience.

First of all, I love fireworks. In my parents' house I would often run upstairs and look from the balcony whenever I heard the shots in the evening. From the position of their house you catch the fireworks in Rome and those of a big portion of the suburbs and countryside in the area. There are fireworks often. They are usually far away, small, although colorful. In the US I was a great fan of the 4th of July celebrations mostly because of the fireworks. But even there I must have been unlucky, because they would last only a few minutes, would be far away and not very colorful, even those in Chicago from the Navy Pier! I liked all of them, but I always thought that if something had been different (more colors, more variety, longer or closer) I would have enjoyed them much more.

Anyway, continuing my quest for the perfect fireworks, yesterday Uri and I walked out of the house a few minutes before the scheduled time. There were rivers of people walking steadily in one direction... so we followed them. They were headed towards the river, where supposedly they could get the best view. Now, this town is in a narrow valley. Wherever you look, between two buildings, you see a mountain in the background. At night, you only see a very dark sky up to a certain height, and if you look more closely, you notice that there are occasional lights from what look like buildings suspended in the middle of a pitch dark sky. That is the mountain. Now imagine placing the fireworks cannons on top of this mountain, so that, wherever you are in the city, you get a perfect view of whatever they shoot in the sky.

That is exactly what I saw last night. The fireworks started when we hadn't reached the river yet--like many other people still in the street with us. We looked up, and we could see each and every shot from its departure point (we couldn't see the actual cannons in the dark) to the full bloom in the sky. It was the most beautiful firework show I have seen in my life. For 25 minutes straight, there were flowers, stars, fountains, circles, twirls of all colors and kinds. Everything was so well choreographed, wonderfully arranged in the sky, with a perfect balance between repetition of the same and introduction of the new, and a specific tempo that escalated and then slowed down, for two entire cycles, until the final escalation for the grand finale. I had never seen fireworks that felt so alive, so masterfully orchestrated like a visual symphony. It was really magic.

But the real magic came right at the end, when I looked down again at the street. For an instant, nobody moved, the eyes still fixated on the mountain, everyone keeping their breath. The most impressive thing was seeing everyone's lips open in a big bright smile: Everyone was completely happy! Imagine, an entire city with their nose up in the air, a smile on their face, their hearts full of joy.

By far the best fireworks of my life.

Balance and Fight

Alex -
There are pieces of your latest post that are music to my ears. I don't really believe fully in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I guess I do believe in some sort of universal, natural energy that brings us the experiences we need to create balance (earth energies are all about balance, after all...), even when we don't know we need them. Or at the very least, that we learn what we need to learn from all of life's experiences, good and bad. For example, I have come to learn that my back goes out every year or so, and it isn't random. It happens when I am pushing too hard, giving too much without replenishing myself, valuing everything and everyone on my list above myself. So the universe wipes me out and says: "You will lie on the floor now and be totally dependent on others to help you, and that is what has to happen to create a balance of the energy you are putting out. There must be balance. You have created one side of the scale...guess what?! This is what the other side looks like." Finally I have thought, "Oooohhhh...perhaps there is a less painful, less irritating, and less volatile form of balance to be struck here with the universe..." You wrote: "I have to say, that my perspective on life and what is important to worry about or not, continues to shape itself into an increasingly simple stance. It centers more and more on the importance of health and love and family and friends, on actively prioritising what really matters, on allowing oneself to put "me" first and feel okay about it, on appreciating that most things have a solution, and on recognising that living life feeling that one is battling stress and pressure is not a virtue but a fault. " I read that and felt like I was going to burst into happy tears. If there is a reason why the universe gave you this challenge, it is so you could feel this. And even though there may not really be a reason for this suffering (a la shit happens), this is certainly the very best lesson and gift you could take away from this experience. I read your words and the unsolicited thought that sprang to mind was, "Yay! Now this cancer can go away...mission accomplished! She's done what she needed to do!" You rock.

All that said...nobody, especially you, deserves the heartache of not being able to romp with your babe, glory in the arms of your lover, or indulge laughter and beauty. So we balance all that calm balance with the fight. Keep fighting the fucker. I love you - Lindsay