I am heart broken. Part of me wishes I could rewind the clock five hours, to before I read of Alex' death, and live for a little while longer wondering how she is doing, wondering when I would see her, wondering when I would hear her voice. I am flooded with memories of times with her, and I wish for more. In fact, I'm flooded with images of the times I want to have with her, still. My love and sorrow pour out to you, Vicki, Chiara, James, Julian, Alexis, and everyone who loved Alex so. I feel like I need a pep talk from Alex to find my way through the pain. What would she say? What did she teach me? I think I will be digesting that question for a long time, but I'll take a first crack at it right now to cope with this night. She taught me...True grace and courage means feeling this pain fully, and communicating it honestly and vulnerably, without letting it drowned out the beauty, the wonder, the humor, the hope, the vitality, the simplicity, and the love around me. She taught me about true mindful living, and I will try to live that in her death. I know how lucky I am to have had her in my life. And I know she is still present. Alex had the gift of being able to sense spiritual dimensions of existence, and she had experiences that prove to me that our spirits live on and are present for our loved ones. I hope you all can feel her. I know she is there. With love - Lindsay

Family

Dear Vicki and family of bloggers,

I was very, very sorry to learn of Alessandra's passing. The entries on the blog are a testimony to the wonderful impact she had on so many people, long before as well as during her battle with illness. It is also an affirmation of how powerful friendship is. I treasure what I have learned from all of you, from Alessandra as an adult rather than the 17 year old I taught, and from her beloved family and friends. While I may never meet many of you in person, I would like to thank you all for enriching this community with your words and thoughts. Alessandra, I know you'll watch over us, as always. Much love xxx

Thank you, Alexis

for this incredible space. You gave Alessandra such an incredible gift over the past 15 months, and in turn you gave this gift to all of us. Just the love alone on this blog has forever changed my life perspective. And Alessandra leaves a legacy to inspire us all in her writings. I was blessed to have the privelege to know her and will forever be touched at the opportunity you gave us to be with her in her last year. I will miss you all.

My Dear Sweet Friend!

I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful visit in February with Alex. The gods shined down upon us and gave us a week full of smiles, laughter, and long talks. As we celebrate the wonder of our dear sweet Alex, I wanted to share some photos of moments that I cherish and hold close to my heart during these difficult days!

a smile to remember

This photo of Danda was taken after a week in the islands. Alexis had just arrived and we were in the midst of a family reunion. Happy times .

I am so very grateful to all the bloggers and the followers who gave Alessandra such a morale boost during the difficult moments.

With love, Vicki

Horizons

Dedicated to Danda- once we were young and had not a care in the world as we stared out to the horizon and pondered our next steps. Without knowing one day we would wed and what bliss it would bring us. Danda's smile exudes this happiness on her wedding day as did mine, made only sweeter by the fact that she was there to share it with me and my family. I was blessed to have her in the islands once again and will forever have her with me as I look out to the horizon.

Alexis

Recent happy days aboard ALESSANDRA. James looks very much like a captain-in-training. Heave, ho and off we go to sail the Seven Seas!

To The Troops

Last night, at 2.30am, Danda left us.
She was so happy to have been able to go to St Thomas, and even though she spent many days in bed resting or sleeping, and sometimes in pain, she had lovely days too. She got to watch James play in the sand and sea for the time, see Alexis get married, sail on the Alessandra and sit on the beach at Magen´s Bay. By the end of the holiday though she was in a lot of discomfort and we knew the cancer had taken a renewed and aggressive hold, particularly in her liver.
She was admitted to Cromwell Hospital Sunday night, just a day after we got back, and we´ve been with her there for the last ten days. They kept her comfortable and pain-free, and she never lost her fighting spirit or humour even though we knew she was well aware things weren´t looking good. She was put on a morphine drip so had her lucid and non-lucid moments, progressively less conscious the last few days. It was very fast. On Sunday we brought James to the hospital and she was up and talking and watching him play on the hospital roof terrace. Two days later we were told she would probably not make it through the night. We were all with her. She fought so hard, she was so tired, and finally she had to let go. So many nurses came to see her, visibly upset. Some had avoided coming to see her as they said it was too hard. Her doctor, Adam, told her she'd been an inspiration to the entire staff. One of her wonderful nurses Paul gave us a hug before leaving and said it had been a privilege to care for her.
It still doesn't seem real - that I no longer have my big sister with me. But so it is, and I just wanted to thank you all for this wonderful blog. It meant so much to her and gave her such strength, an outlet for her thoughts. If there is one good thing to have come out of this is that she got to know just how much she was loved by everyone.
I never wrote on the blog - a little superstitious thing perhaps, keeping all my focus on her. But now I just want to thank you, thank you, thank you, and that I´m so sorry she's not the one posting the latest message.
x
Chiara

Hi there,

Congratulations to the newlyweds, hello to the London travelers who made it all the way across the Atlantic, and hello to everyone who opens this blog to check how Alessandra is doing. I haven't heard news in the past week, so I don't know if the trip to the Caribbeans is nearing its end. I heard that you, Panda, still had some pains despite the pain killers, but I am sure you had a great time, in wonderful weather and, what is better, wonderful company. I hope all of you are having a great trip and you will always cherish it in your memory.

Here the rain stopped, at last, after weeks of pouring, and I picked up the bike again, but without regularity. Panda, I miss your voice and your Lance Armstrong-like attitude!

Hugs!

To Alexis!!

Hi,
Sending you all my best to you and your family for a wonderful wedding!!!
I can't wait for the pictures. I'm sure you are all having a great time and Chiara and Anthony probably have James at the beach every day!!
I'm so happy Alex is able to have this time with you all, which is so deserved and needed.
I'll see her in June and can't wait to to see her wonderful tan!!!
Alexis have a wonderful day and wonderful honeymoon. We all look forward to the pictures.
All our love to you on your wedding day!!!
Eve

Great to hear the update, Alexis. Thank you. I'm so happy for both you and Alex about her plans to attend your wedding. I'd love to hear more about the clinical trial when someone has time to write about it. I know everyone is tapped right now. Like Julie, I think often about a trip to London. I would love to make it happen. For the friends who have managed visits already, I ask: does it make sense to try to coordinate with Alex and her family about timing, or is it better to make plans independently?
Lots of love - Lindsay

We're with you

Alexis, thank you for the update! I'm so thrilled that Alex is going to your wedding (which I'm sure will be beautiful!), and I'm over the moon that Alex will be in the trial!!! YAY!!!!!!! That's fabulous news!
Alex, I think of you daily and have toyed with a trip to London to see you. It's a crazy time with my 2.5 month old and going back to work soon - but, I love you and I'd love to see you in person and give you a huge hug....we'll see. At this point, I think realistically I'll have to wait a bit for my babe to age....
But, we are with you all the time, and we hope you feel our love. Big kisses from Laurel (or more like slobber that you need to pretend is a kiss) and much love,
-Julie

Best Wishes!!

Here's wishing you all a great wedding and reunion, and lots and lots of warm wishes from Philadelphia. I'll be thinking of you all and wishing I was there to join in!! Thanks so much for the update. Hugs and xxxx

can i post on Danda's behalf?

Dear troops,

In last speaking with Danda she told me that she had been feeling overwhelmed as a result of her back pain and the radiation as well as trying to meet with doctors and get into the clinical trial. Understandable to say the least. So I thought since I had spoken with her I would take the chance to play secretary for a day until she found some time to write something on the blog. I may be taking a leap of faith that she will understand my jumping in, but I have been wanting to share the good news and perhaps publishing it would mean it was real.

So not to steal her thunder, but rather share in it, she called to tell me that she and the Priorelli/Murdoch clan had booked tickets to the islands. YIPEEEEEE! She told me that no cancer, volcano or any other hurdle was going to keep her from coming. This was HER time! She had her sights set on this day and nothing was going to keep her from the vacation she so deserved. I am over the moon about the news and cannot wait to see my cousin and her entire family. This is the best wedding gift I can imagine. Having her present will be so joyous!

On top of it she got into a clinical trial, but told them she could not start until after the 14th and they obliged. More good news!

She was still experiencing back pain and was told it would not subside until early next week after the radiation had a chance to do its thing. She was give morphine pills to help with the pain so I pray that has been working, but may be leading to her taking some down time.

Well, there are the basics that I think will help everyone feel in touch. Danda, I was just bursting and wanted to share my happiness I hope it is all still true and I have not reported anything wrongly, but perhaps this posting will lessen the anxiety to fill everyone in on the latest news and provide you with a little more down time until are able get back on the blog. Today marks the five day count down until you will be on a plane to the islands and their warm waters!

Much Love,
Lex

Hi Panda,

The blog has been quiet lately... and so have I, letting work and a flu get the better of me for a few days. I've been checking the blog regularly though, and every time I saw Alexis' title to her latest post Cocoons spawn butterflies I imagined you spring up from under your blankets, with grace and a light step, no pain or trouble, a smile on your face and your arms extended towards James asking, "So, what do we do today?". Like a butterfly. (I keep up the visualization exercises).

I hope that by now pains and the need for cocooning are gone, or at least are less intense. How did the adventure of the clinical trial go in the end? I hope you made it in, but I also hope the schedule is such that you can go to S. Thomas for the wedding.

Here not much is new. Spring has finally arrived and the valley has become green and beautiful. A couple of weeks ago I saw the cherry trees in bloom, but the apple trees were only tentatively budding. By now they are probably full of leaves and flowers. As you can understand by my disinformation on the status of plants and flowers around here I've not been biking as much this season... yet. It will happen, I've just had a slow start :)

A big hug.

contact

Just sending love to you, Alex, and to all the troops. Feeling too far away...
- Lindsay

cocoons spawn butterflies!

You are a trooper! I am without words of wisdom because this is a journey that is truly your own. You are fighting this thing as best you can and it seems there are still so many unexpected hurdles. If you can stay strong and think positive thoughts you will triumph if only because you never let it get the best of you. When one is in pain it is nearly impossible to do so, but perhaps deep down you can find some strength to endure. I surely hope that by now you have managed to get your hands on some heavier pain meds. Is this a side effect of the last chemo cycle still? In the modern days of medicine there is no excuse for pain so I dearly hope you have been taken to hospital to demand something more.

As for the clinical trial I pray that you get in as it will be another piece of artillery against the cancer. Of course, you being you, are worried about missing my wedding. That shows you have not lost your inner self in all of this! You know the drill-you’ve been down that aisle before so to speak! Your wanting to be there is as good for me as you being there. But there are also the islands that you wanted to get to. They are pinned to the ocean floor so they are not going anywhere! You will come when the time is right. It takes merely a plane ticket, straw hat and bathing suit to make it happen.

YOU are all of our priorities and getting you well is of the highest! I am rooting for you in California. I think of you daily and wish I could be there to hold you and stroke your forehead. Think of all of us surrounding you and caring for you in those painful moments because perhaps that will ease the pain if just a little.

Danda, I love you and am glad to hear that your love for James and clearly is love for you make you smile. You deserve all the smiles he gives you. Hugs to you, Julian and James-I pray I see you all soon to give you a warm embrace.

I recently went to Palm Springs with some girlfriends for the weekend and what a hoot of a place. Stuck in the 50’s! Something about that warm desert air really appealed to me. Ironically I arrived back Monday and immediately caught a cold. Perhaps too much rest? Too much fresh air? Is there such a thing? The funniest part was thinking of Uncle Geoffrey (now nicknamed Rev. G. For Reverend Geoffrey! ) arriving in Palm Springs on motorcycle after his trek cross country and wondering what he must have thought about the desert and it s palms after all his years back east and in the Caribbean? We will have to ask him to tell us about it some time. Or perhaps you already know- you are the historian of the family! Just a funny thing for you to think about!

Much Love,
Alexis

Pink Warrior

My dear friend,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I heard a song the other day that I think you would like. Maybe it will empower you when you are feeling down. I was introduced to it through the website for the Susan G. Komen walk I am doing. It is called, "Pink Warrior". I particularly like the following verse.

Got an army of angels marchin around with her

She won't give in

Yeah she's gonna win

She's a pink warrior!

You my friend definately have an army of people that are with you through this fight, every step of the way and this is one army that will never retreat. You can find this song on itunes or probably youtube. It is called Pink Warrior by Candy Coburn.

So, to our very own Pink Warrior, you are stronger than you know. I love you and miss you so much. xxoo.

Mary

Waiting and Cocooning.

Dear All,

Another long silence from me... a reflection that I have had a difficult stretch where, more than ever, I seem to cocoon myself away, hoping that things will be better when I poke my head out.

Julian and I went to see the consultant, Dr. Slevin, that had been recommended to us by Dr. Plowman, on April 1st. A soft-spoken man, he briefly covered my history, reviewed the documents that Dr. Plowman had sent him, and conducted a clinical exam. He confirmed that while my breast appears to be almost clear of the tumor, the metastasis remain the areas of concern, especially my liver. As the next step forward, he advised trying to get me onto one of two clinical trials that are being run in London for women with my specific type of cancer and profile. He said that I was a very good candidate given how physically fit I was. So, we were told that we would hear back last week... but nothing.... we are hoping to be told this week. This limbo has been awful - days pass by and you feel as if your life is "on hold". Also because this dictates whether or not I will be able to be at Alexis' wedding or go to the Carribean at all. (The thought of not being there with/for her breaks my heart - I have been looking forward to this for so long and it means so much to me to be there). We all have our fingers and toes crossed that, whatever happens, it will be the best thing for me and my recovery.

So, as I wait to be told of the next turn in this marathon road, I have focused on trying to get my body strong - I have not had chemo in 5 weeks, and it has been almost 3 weeks since the scans. Unfortunately the flu really knocked me down, and I can honestly say that only know have I begun to feel "clear" of it.

The worst bit of the past two weeks, however, has been the pain. I am now on daily, heavy pain meds, and the aches and shooting cramps are enough to take my breath away. They appear at the strangest of times, in different places, and they can escalate within minutes. Two nights ago, I woke up at 5:00am and was a mess. I would have done anything for a shot of morphine the pain was so excruciating. Hot packs add little comfort in those moments, but I always try whatever may help. So, I have spent days feeling miserable and very tearful, curled up in a ball wanting to "sleep it off", only to find the pain waiting for me when I wake up. This has really been an awful period for me. Admittedly, my morale and mindset have taken a beating.

But on a happy note ( there is always one!) James has been a sweetheart - he is so aware of my emotions, and such a wonderful combination of playful enthusiasm and cuddle comfort. He has been imitating more and more words, and is incredibly vocal in his expressions. Easter morning, he was introduced to chocolate (in the form of little smarties) and he was ecstatic - "Mmmmmm, Mama, Mmmmmmmm! We had a cosy day together, and a brief walk in the park, and lots of play time at home.

I have attached a video of James at my parents' house, looking a some ladybugs on the window sill (Note: he did not injure any of them with the doorstop he was holding in his hand!). I just love his innocent excitement. I just love all of him!

Hugs to all.

Pink gloves and Easter blessings

Danda and family,
I hope you are having a gorgeous, happy day with spring flowers and a brimming basket of eggs for James and whatever else goes on for Easter Sunday in London. Rabbits are gamboling in our sunny yard but alas no children--all spending Easter elsewhere. However, we can't complain as we just spent five fun-filled days in San Diego with the two Seattle grandchildren and their parents and we will be with the three others within the next five days.
Loved the pink glove dance that Lolilla sent you! I hope everyone whom you see at the doctors' offices and in hospital when you have to go there is as spirited and full of hope as those folks! Very affirming.
I hope today your back and every other part of you is pain free. Ditto tomorrow.
Love to you and to all those who surround you and to all your troops around the globe, constantly awed at your forthrightness and grit and soul.