Dreams...

Hi Danda,

I´ve finally got Internet connection (terribly slow though...nerve-rackingly slow! Aren´t we spoiled nowadays? je je! :) ) here at my grandmother´s house "nella campagna italiana".  I´ve been trying to upload the photos that go with this entry (the sea, the sailing boat...) but after some hours have realized it´s not working!  So here is what I wanted to share since I wrote it on August 15th. The photos will come later...mostly so your Mum can get reeeeally jealous! :) 

DREAMS DO COME TRUE! Often differently to how we envisioned them, at a different time than what we dreamed of…but they come along!  So there I was, two years after I had embarked on the Sailing to Barcelona voyage…and I was onboard the magical Largyalo, one of the highlight Sailing to Barcelona boats, an ecological catamaran 19 meters long and 10 m wide built piece by piece by its passionate owner, Bertie, and filled with the caring and knowing hand of his wonderful wife, Petra.  One of its kind with its yellow and red-striped keels, its spacious cabins, its imposing bright red main sail, its solar panels and electrical engine powered the batteries which store the sun´s energy.   

There I was living a dream, waking up in isolated coves along Mallorca´s coast, saluting the world first thing in the morning with a dive in crystal-clear waters, hiking up a cliff to marvel at the spectacular views of a horizon where the sea meets the sky undisturbed, breathing in that cleansing and revitalizing air soaked with iodine and all the generous gifts of nature, screaming with joy at the sight of dolphins gleefully playing with our boat, drinking every drop of Petra and Bertie´s company and the rest of the crew´s simplicity, indulging in unforgettable moments with my beautiful David who was discovering a world unknown to him and did so with a permanent smile born from his clear blue eyes.  

“Victory to the Gods” says Largyalo´s name in Tibetan.  And I say…Victory to Life for all the immense , breathtaking beauty it can give us when we return to nature, to simplicity, to ourselves stripped bare…!

I´m so glad you were also able to be with nature, to soak in all its bounty, and let its healing energy wash through you.  You may have had moments where your pains and fears returned, but I´m sure nature melted them away with her gentle power and infinite generosity.

So much love to you, querida, and wishing you so many more joyous smiles from that beautiful son that blesses your days!

Bacione, Sally

Wild flowers from the mountains, for you Panda!

...and then they grow...

And they grow so fast!!

Juicing

This is what Danda drinks and what she throws away. Better than wine?... Maybe not! But oh those colours. An idea for your wedding bouquet, Alexis?

Footloose and Fancy Free

What is it about babies' feet that is so beguiling? These belong to James who was napping under a spreading oak tree in Kensington Gardens this Sunday. Soft and pudgy. I wonder where they will take him in the years ahead.

Birthdays, Bed & Breakfasts, and "Being".

Dear All,

Finally at my computer, having decided to simply make the time to write despite the nagging of the many other things on my "To Do" list. I always feel that I am lagging behind, that I never seem to catch up... and then I realise that it is up to me to choose what matters that day... and I have learned that I need to allow myself more periods of doing what I want to do, rather than what I should do. So, I choose the blog!

James' birthday was a very happy occasion. My parents, Chiara and Anthony, and Julian's brother Charles and Charles' girlfriend Maria Rosaria joined Julian and I and James for tea and birthday cake out on our little patio. James was spoiled with toys and clothes and attention, and loved every minute of it. Wasn't sure on the texture of sponge cake, but enjoyed the decorative raspberries hand picked by his Daddy from the Sevenoaks garden. I still find it so hard to believe that he is a year old!

Having crossed that "one year" mark, it seems like everything has taken off at full speed. James seems to grow in height by the minute. He crawls all over the place, and practically sprints if you give him a hand to hold! Everything is motion - touching, walking, stacking, pressing, clapping, tapping, reaching, standing.... Playing hide and seek is his new highlight! Bedtime has taken on a new flavour as he now pulls himself right up when you try to lie him down for the night, and proceeds to bounce up and down with the cheeriest of grins as he peeks over the top of his cot with the unspoken invite of, "Sleep? Are you kidding? When you can dance instead?! Come on - join me!!" We hear squeals from his bedroom as he battles sleepiness, until finally succumbing to droopy eyelids, and to laying his head down on his treasured tag blanket that my friend Mary lovingly made for him when he was born. That and his trusted sheep cuddly toy, and he is finally out for the night.

For the two days preceeding James' birthday, James, Julian and I spent two lovely days in Sevenoaks with Julian's family. It was nice to see them all and to get out to the countryside, and we were out in the garden for a lot of the time and went to the nearby park. James, like his father, is definitely in his element when he is outdoors. Flowers, trees, bugs, birds... my diddums talked up a storm in his excitement of the sights and smells and sounds. Max the dog was the usual hit and, without fail, brought curiosity and excitement to James' face. One of the highlights of my two days there? Snuggling one morning. Having had a bad night's sleep, I decided to join James for his morning nap. Instead of putting him in his travel cot, we lay together on my bed. We listened to "Twilight" by Ed Van Fleet (a lovely compostion combining piano music and sounds of nature - very peaceful), and James snuggled - stroking my face gently, holding my hand, giving soft little sighs, and cuddling into me. We both fell soundly asleep. I woke up two hours later to the sound of James stirring next to me and to his touch - his sleepy big blue eyes were looking at me, he was smiling, and again, gently stroking my face. While I often wake up with a sense of sadness as the reality of my illness sinks into my consciousness, this time all I felt was overwhelming happiness. And love, love, love.

Julian and I spent three wonderful days in West Sussex, by the town of Chichester. We drove down last Wednesday, through the beautiful countryside of rolling green hills, fields of harvested wheat and bales of hay, sheep and cattle grazing, cottages and barns. I often turned to Julian saying that it reminded me of Maine in its forests and quaintness. That afternoon, we took a walk along West Wittering beach, a wide expanse of sand and sea. The tide was out and children were playing in pools of water that formed in between the sand banks the scattered across the shore. James would have loved it, and we vowed to bring him there someday soon. I took deep breaths of the ocean air and let the sun kiss my face, and invited nature to fill me with health. The dunes and grass and blue sky and cool breeze made me think of the Cape, and brought back so many lovely memories spent with dear friends. Late afternoon, Julian and I checked into our bed and breakfast inn - Landseer House, on Cow Lane (don't you love it?), which was beautiful and cosy and welcoming. Our views of the garden and the fields (see photos) was calming on the soul. Dinner at the Crab & Lobster, where we sat outside on a patio decorated with olive trees, with views of more pastures and wetlands. Thursday was spent looking at old Roman mosaics at a local archaeological dig in the morning, having lunch at a lovely quay, and stealing an afternoon nap. We then explored the town of Chichester - there we saw the Cathedral and stumbled across a game of cricket in a local park, which was fun to watch as Julian explained the ins and out of the game. We visited the marina for an early evening walk and drink, and then had dinner at the Walnut Tree, a countryside pub full of character. Friday morning we set off slowly back to London, passing through the market town of Petworth (full of antique shops and cobbled streets) and the Goodwood estate where I picked up a bag full of local organic delicacies. The drive through the countryside was again beautiful. I am definitely not a city girl. It was wonderful to "be" in the heart of nature, and I know that I need more of it.


















We arrived back in London mid afternoon, Julian and I itching to see James. We were greeted with his big smiles, sloppy kisses and squeals. He held my face in his hands, and I was "home". You know, while Julian and I were glad to have gone away and needed the trip in more ways than one, we realised how hard it was to be away from James. We spoke about him continuously, wondered about him all the time, and planned the many things we would want to show him and do with him. We missed him terribly. Parenthood connects you in such wonderfully powerful ways, that life just doesn't feel "complete" without your child there. I adore that bond.

I have to admit that while the trip was wonderful, I found it hard to control the "thinking" as I had "down time" on my hands. In my routine at home, I seem to have more distraction as I feel that I am constantly busy, so there is less time to dwell on "what is" and "what ifs". Also, at home, the fact that my life is not "normal" is a given for the time being - it's accepted, it is what it is. Being away, I struggled with doing the "normal things" of being on holiday, while feeling that I was being reminded how I was still far from back to normal. Eating out was challenging because of my dietary restrictions, and I remained tied to chemo pill taking schedules. And my low energy level and stamina confined how much I could do. A pain, a twinge, would interrupt a moment and return me to my body, instead of leaving me in peace to enjoy the scene at hand. I share this only because I am often asked "how I am really doing", and so I am honest in my descriptions of my experience. But don't get me wrong, between those moments where sadness would creep in and then take flight again, were hundreds of great moments, and I would do the trip again in a heartbeat. Actually, there was a lot of humour too, and a lot of laughs. And in that vein, I have included a photo below of a sign I loved, by the organic farm I visited. I also loved a sign I saw posted on the door of a garage at the side of a country road, warning people not to park in front and block the door. It simply said, "THINK".

Lastly, my health. My mid-cycle IV chemo was skipped on Monday due to my immune system being low again. So, I stick with the oral chemo pills, and will see next week how many immune boosting shots I will need, before Cycle #6 on September 7th. I am feeling well, despite the low counts. My weight is steady, my hair keeps growing, and I continue to feel strong. I have started to take my morning walks with James again, as my foot, while still bandaged, is finally healing. I now have come to tolerate the burnt hands and feet better, now more of a nuisance than a hindrance in my life. I am still fighting 100%, and my eye is never off the mark of beating this f%*?ker hands down. I can do this, I will do this. I am "being". Watch this space.

Hugs to all.

keep your sunny side up!

Dearest cuz!

I am writing from bed-decided to turn in a bit early tonight so I am taking the downtime to write you a note. I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot lately. With wedding planning on the brain I feel I kept all caught up in the chaos of it all, but think to you to ground me again and remind me of what is really important! The fact that on one day in my life I get to have all my best friends and family together celebrating a union. I know how important both have been to you lately so I focus on that as my prize.

I have finally set a date May 14th, 2010 at Caneel Bay, St. John. I have ordered the save the date cards so there is no turning back now! I am excited to bring everyone "home" for my day in the sun!

In other news, Jeff and I had a bit of a scare Saturday morning. We awoke at our usual time and with gray skies outside decided to plunk down on the couches in the living room. We had been sitting no more than 30 seconds when Jeff told me to look outside at our outdoor umbrella that seemed to be levitating out of the hole in the table. We had left it up over night which we never do and this time it was a big mistake. After three levitations it looked like it was going to take flight and it did. Within seconds it had done an about face and came careening through our sliding glass door. It happened so quickly I did not have time to cover my face or look I away, i just stared in wonderment as the glass exploded all over the room and into my lap. I looked back at Jeff and the first thing he asked was if I was alright. I new he was a good egg!

Well, we spent the entire day after that cleaning up the glass. We had to rent an industrial vacuum to get the job done and even then we continue to find glass in shoes, in my ear if you can believe it!, and all over the drive way is the pieces slip through the wood decking. It was quite a sight, but a good learning experience for Jeff and I to tackle together! A new door will be coming tomorrow so we can see our view again!

As for you, I hope you are well and that the beach gave you a break from routine. Whether it made you miss routine or not is another question, but in any case it was a break. Sea air can be a good thing for cleansing the mind and body. I picked up a self-healing book the other day while I was in the bookstore waiting for the ferry. The chapter I read an excerpt on was about using one's mind to cure one's body. It remarked that one should never doubt the strength of one's mind to cure. It went on and on with examples and I thought to myself that is was a a sign that I read that little excerpt because that is exactly what you are doing. You are curing your self with you mind AS WELL AS your body which is exactly why you are going to get healthy again my dear. Go ahead get well it is within your reach! I love you very much. Big Hug!

Lex

Climb every mountain

Danda, just back from the West and catching up on your news. First of all, belated happy birthday to one-year-old James!!! Isn't it wonderful that you could all celebrate the milestone together and then you and Julian could have some special time to yourselves. I wish the pain and anxiety of the mole hadn't been there and hope that is now history. There should be a minimum of hurdles for you to have to handle other than allowing the healing to continue as you nourish your body and mind. Speaking of which, I fould a quote from John Muir that seems restorative. It certainly was a subliminal theme for our three days in the Grand Tetons after spending a week in Seattle helping Sam and his family move to a new house. After seven days of packing and unpacking and yard work and cleaning, it was heavenly to drive across Washington, the top of Idaho and Montana, and arrive at Jackson, Wyoming via Yellowstone. Muir wrote:

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.

Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.

The winds will blow their own freshness into you

While cares will drop off like autumn leaves.

We had delicious viewing from the top of the ski mountain where hang gliders and paragliders were launching to sail on the thermals; hiked around one of the prettier lakes under the Teton range, singing to keep the bears at bay; rafted down the Snake River with a raftsman and five others through some exciting white water; cringed at the riders being bucked off of bulls and broncos (those guys are truly crazy!) at the local rodeo; and reveled in the sightings of geysers, bison, elk, moose, and pronghorn deer. Something about the way wind affects the leaves of the aspens can be magical, especially if there are mighty mountains still sporting some ice way up in the hollows overhead. I trust that one day you and Julian and James can visit this area and be recipients of those good tidings too.

So as August dwindles away, we are back to CT realities but mindful of how Nature-in whatever part of the globe-can replenish us in so many unspoken ways. I hope you are feeling replenished today and am sending you a care package of all the good vibes I've stored up while being away. Hugs.

Hi!

Hi Panda,

How are things going? How was your small vacation in the countryside? I hope you and Julian had a good time and got the chance to fully relax. Here not much is new. The heat continues, but we get some cooler days once in a while. After a long hiatus, I could take advantage of one of the cooler days and started biking again. I tackled my first serious climb and it felt great.

Many many hugs!

Girlfriends

Well, now I'm mostly just playing with the wonder that is modern technology. After uploading the family photo in the post below, I decided to upload another one, partly for my own fun, and partly, Alex, b/c I thought it might be fun for you to get to eyeball my current girlfriends (for those choosing to read this who don't know me, I'm in the middle bending down a bit, in the black parka). A wonderful group of women, and not a single replacement for you amongst them, Alex. These are all local ladies, and there are some funny coincidences...like the woman I have my arm around went to Colby with me, three years ahead of me. Her very serious boyfriend at the time propositioned me while we were all still in school. She does NOT know that, and remembers him very lovingly. The woman behind me in purple went to school with my husband from 7th grade through high school, and he had a huge crush on her (incidentally, this photo was taken outside a restaurant where we were celebrating her 40th b-day). And the woman on the far right in the blue parka is married to this man named Mike who I have wicked crush on. Who needs People Magazine when you have ME?!?! And less gossipy but a nice detail -- the woman on the far left in the longer parka is the director of my daughter's pre-school. Nice to have a friend play such an important role in my kids' lives. One of the beauties of small town livin'. So, hope you enjoy the distraction and diversion. On a more serious note...I love these women, and they are my local lifeline; you clearly have a strong lifeline of women behind and beside you, too, and I hope you feel their love and power everyday. But for all of their wonderfulness, these women also make me miss you. For better or worse, soul mate friends like you are very hard to come by.
- Lindsay

summer gang

Hi there. Just thought I'd share this photo of the gang who was gathered at the lake this summer. You can imagine the shock of coming home to our own little house and little family of 4 after two weeks with this crew!! For those who don't know me, that's me in the middle in short black sleeves. My daughter Tessa is in stripes next to me, and my other daughter Liza is the blondie in turquoise in the front. The rest are sibs, cousins, aunts and uncles, parents, nieces, nephews, and first cousins once removed. Oh! And that is my dog Hudson in the back, with his face peeking over my husband's right shoulder. Hudson and I don't get along all that well, but he sure is photogenic! At least I'm saying that about my dog and not my husband, right?!? Alex, the guy in green next to me is my sister's new fiance, Adam, and that is Courtney next to him in her sleepk new adult haircut. Well, it's not that new anymore, actually. But it is sleek and adult none the less. We're still trying to complete the post-vacation re-entry phase, and we're already bunping up again the new school year re-entry phase!!! Lots o' transitions, including both girls starting at new schools. And of course, there is still plenty to do to get settled into the new house. Oy!! Ommmm....ommmmmmm....ommmmmmmm....a little mindfulness is surely good for all of us. Hope you had a great weekend away. ?? Lots of love - Lindsay

Let's go Surfring Now!

This will be James in another a year! Devon at two and he's now on his way to surfing. This time next year he'll be hanging ten!! I can't wait for him to teach James. First he'll learn how to dig steamers, boogie board and then Hang Ten dude!!

Miss you guys!

Eve

Happy Belated Birthday to James!!!!

Hi,
I just love the photo of James!! He is the Gerber baby! And he loves the spinach! Julian well done on the veggies. We need you here! Mark and I have basil and rosemary.
So glad to hear you and Julian are getting away for a bit. Well deserved and desperately needed!It's wonderful to hear you are working a bit as well.
Things here are the same. We went to Niagara Falls with the kids which was pretty neat, (I'll send pictures later) We had a fantastic view from from our room, so we could sit back watch the falls and have a beer. Passed by Cooperstown on the way home and thought of you spending your summer's there. We also stopped in Clinton for the night with Stephen's Dad.
For the week-end we spent time in Wellfleet with my family, Flip and gang and my sister and her kids. The ocean was amazing! Great day!!!, spent a lot of time in the water with Devon boogie boarding. He can now get up on his knees, if I steady the board, get him to stand, then guide him in the wave he was standing up for a few seconds. Flip was video tapping, turned away just as he made it up and stayed on. We had a great dinner as always at Mac's and then Sunday was spent in Yarmouth with Stephen's sister and brother in law Jake (who's birthday was Sunday as well as little Stevie and James of course) I wanted to stay in Wellfleet as you can imagine, Flip was taking everyone to Billingsgate. I couldn't go with out you guys.
Now it's back to reality, kids are back from camp and I start full time Monday. I have a listing in Wellesley and three clients looking for houses, cross your fingers they all buy and the house gets sold. (Mellon's house in Wellesley)So my dear I hope you enjoyed your time away and come back refreshed and ready to take this year on with a vengeance. I'm proud of you, miss you, worry about you, love you!!!
Your person,
Eve

Anniversary Memory

Hi there -
I know you are off enjoying a few days with your sweetie. I'm having lots of sweetie related memories today because today is my 8th wedding anniversary. Chris is in VT, but I'm still in Maine, where we all were for the big day. I love the memory of you being here for that day...getting hair and make up done in my mom's bathroom, you and my sister-in-law scheming to make sure I went through with wearing make-up, your beautiful pale yellow multi-tiered dress, the limo ride. And memories of that day of course remind me of our shopping days -- shopping for each of our wedding dresses. Ahhh, fun. At this moment, I can actually picture you more clearly on my wedding day than I can picture Chris. Hmmmm... :-)
Hope you and your sweetie are enjoying each other and surviving the separation from James.
Lots of love - Lindsay

Love.

Dear All,

I have much to share about the past few days, and want to do so when I am not rushed. I have focused on making the most of my periods of feeling "well" and maximising the days when my blood count is high enough to give me the freedom to go beyond the bounds of home and hospital. And so, tomorrow Julian and I are heading to a lovely bed & breakfast inn in the countryside for a couple of nights, returning on Friday. It is a celebration of having survived quite a year since James was born, and of having found, amidst the crises of infant reflux and breast cancer, a thousand things to be thankful for.

And at the top of the list is love. Love of family and of friends, and the love of James. He truly is a bundle of love. My baby is now a one year old boy - the sweetest, gentlest, and happiest of beings. He fills me with such tremendous pride and such indescribable joy. I am so blessed to be his mother! How did I get so lucky? I share with you a photo taken this weekend of my Diddums (as I affectionately call him), age one, and the love of my life.

I promise to write at length later in the week, with stories and birthday photos and updates. In the meantime, much love to you all and, as always, the biggest of hugs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to James!

Happy Birthday to James! One year old. One day late. Was camping this weekend so just came back to reality today. Seems like he has been with us for so much longer. Wish I was there to see him eat a spinach cake? You must be so proud to see him growing up before your very eyes! That joy can carry you a long way if you let it! Much love to you.

Lex

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORMS

Here is ALESSANDRA under sail with her tender, the low black boat, in tow. Your namesake is currently on a mooring in Hurricane Hole, St. John, a series of watery fingers that run into the mangrove swamps. It is pretty much the best of the hurricane holes in the USVI and BVI. All this angst and energy has been caused by a series of storms that have formed in the Atlantic basin and who march, like penguins, across the southern sea. First Ana, who is now a tropical depression, bringing much needed rain to the panhandle of Florida. Next comes Bill. I don't trust Bill. Neither does Hillary! Bill is ripping along and is due to pass about 300 miles north of St. Thomas. He was due to graze us. With winds predicted to be at 120mph sustained, I am glad he has decided to stray. Bermuda may be in line for a thrashing. It is mid August and the season lasts until November. I am sure there will be a few more blows that will have us on pins and needles. But for now we are riding the lucky curve.

nothin'

Hiya -
Chris and I call each other a lot during the day (when we are at work...not when we are on vacation which we still are...). Sometimes it's because there is something to say -- a story, a logistical decision or tidbit, a question, etc. And then a lot of times it is for no reason at all. Those conversations we start like this: "Hello?" "Hi." "Hey." "Nothin'." "Ahhh, nothin'." So, today, I just felt like writing to say "Nothin'." Wish I could call you and just shoot the shit. Exchange the days frustrations and mini heartaches, the funny moments and the little triumphs. Just missing you and wishing to be there with you. So..."nothin'." Lots of love - Lindsay

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMES!

Hi Panda,

It's evening, already too late to give James another happy birthday hug today. Can you do it tomorrow for me? I'm sure the celebrations for the conclusion of this first year of his life will not end today :)

A special hug to you too for your round 5 coming up.

Sunday check in

Dear Alex,

I wanted to write before my life becomes even crazier and I stop checking email and blogs entirely....Vic and I are getting married in less than two weeks, and I've been busy planning time off for our honeymoon and coordinating our wedding...no small job. This unpaid position of mine seems to require daily emails, phone calls, scrupulous notes, weighty financial issues, and pressure to work out (which I do not have any time for..). So, sorry Alexis - I'm sure you'll have more fun with your unpaid job :)...but, I'm really wishing I just flew somewhere special and did the deed!!

Anyway, I will send you some pics. when it is all over with. Again, I really wish you could be there. After the wedding, we're heading to the Galopogas Islands (with no cell phone :), and enjoying some time on the water. I don't think we're doing any water activities that will scare the heck out of me this time :). Nah, in truth, we're fine and very excited.

I was sorry to read about your immobility...you are such an active person that it must have been driving you nuts. I hope that you will heal quickly and be on your feet again soon. James is a darling and it must be hard not to be able to run around with him...but, all in good time. You will be out there chasing him as he chases the girls yet. We'll, you'll be out there chasing him long before that , especially if he maintains his disinterest...:)

Vic and I went to Whole Foods last night and I'm inspired to create your yummy dish...Anyway, keep up with the great work to be healthy, you are getting there and you will prevail. In the meantime, we are with you even if we're busy coordinating a wedding. Much love to you,

-Julie