Another long silence from me... a reflection that I have had a difficult stretch where, more than ever, I seem to cocoon myself away, hoping that things will be better when I poke my head out.
Julian and I went to see the consultant, Dr. Slevin, that had been recommended to us by Dr. Plowman, on April 1st. A soft-spoken man, he briefly covered my history, reviewed the documents that Dr. Plowman had sent him, and conducted a clinical exam. He confirmed that while my breast appears to be almost clear of the tumor, the metastasis remain the areas of concern, especially my liver. As the next step forward, he advised trying to get me onto one of two clinical trials that are being run in London for women with my specific type of cancer and profile. He said that I was a very good candidate given how physically fit I was. So, we were told that we would hear back last week... but nothing.... we are hoping to be told this week. This limbo has been awful - days pass by and you feel as if your life is "on hold". Also because this dictates whether or not I will be able to be at Alexis' wedding or go to the Carribean at all. (The thought of not being there with/for her breaks my heart - I have been looking forward to this for so long and it means so much to me to be there). We all have our fingers and toes crossed that, whatever happens, it will be the best thing for me and my recovery.
So, as I wait to be told of the next turn in this marathon road, I have focused on trying to get my body strong - I have not had chemo in 5 weeks, and it has been almost 3 weeks since the scans. Unfortunately the flu really knocked me down, and I can honestly say that only know have I begun to feel "clear" of it.
The worst bit of the past two weeks, however, has been the pain. I am now on daily, heavy pain meds, and the aches and shooting cramps are enough to take my breath away. They appear at the strangest of times, in different places, and they can escalate within minutes. Two nights ago, I woke up at 5:00am and was a mess. I would have done anything for a shot of morphine the pain was so excruciating. Hot packs add little comfort in those moments, but I always try whatever may help. So, I have spent days feeling miserable and very tearful, curled up in a ball wanting to "sleep it off", only to find the pain waiting for me when I wake up. This has really been an awful period for me. Admittedly, my morale and mindset have taken a beating.
But on a happy note ( there is always one!) James has been a sweetheart - he is so aware of my emotions, and such a wonderful combination of playful enthusiasm and cuddle comfort. He has been imitating more and more words, and is incredibly vocal in his expressions. Easter morning, he was introduced to chocolate (in the form of little smarties) and he was ecstatic - "Mmmmmm, Mama, Mmmmmmmm! We had a cosy day together, and a brief walk in the park, and lots of play time at home.
I have attached a video of James at my parents' house, looking a some ladybugs on the window sill (Note: he did not injure any of them with the doorstop he was holding in his hand!). I just love his innocent excitement. I just love all of him!
Hugs to all.
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