Tiredness and Triumphs.

Dear All,

With two feet firmly in 2010, I have felt the momentum of the New Year. December was a rough month for me, physically and emotionally. I had too many moments of questioning, "Can I do this?", too many instances of feeling depletion at all levels. And with that came tremendous sadness, a lot of self-pity, and a feeling of "losing hold" on resolve... I find it hard to describe the "tiredness" I feel from all of this, and as I shut the door on 2009, I felt deeply, deeply tired.

But as with all marathons, you take things one step at a time, you let yourself be carried by the cheers of the crowd when your own voice weakens, you keep your eye on the finish line and trust that your legs will hold you up... and you pat yourself on the back for still being in the race in the first place. For hanging on in there. For working through the "tiredness". For not giving up.

And so I started 2010 acknowledging the "tiredness", but then stepping things up a notch. I have increased my supplements, been even more diligent about my diet, taken even greater care of my body. I have recreated my visualisations, dedicated more time to listening to my body, made more mental notes of what is important to me. I have allowed myself to plan. I have re-owned belief. I have let myself cry knowing that it's okay to do so today, tomorrow, the next day... because that is how I feel in the moment, and then it too shall pass. And I have told myself, a hundred times a day, "You ARE going to do this".

And as always, I have immersed myself in James. My family and I have spent some lovely, happy days with him. Long walks in the park, cosy afternoons at home. Time together. He changes every day and lately he has been going through a growth spurt - ravenous appetite, wonderful playfulness, great curiosity... he is a boy with a mission, seeking novelty and adventure and interaction in all that surrounds him. He pushes all boundaries and still manages to get a grin out of you as you struggle to keep a straight face. He has a girlfriend! (see photos). He is my dancer, my playmate, my mechanical engineer (see photos), my joy. He is a million and one reasons why 2010 has started off on a wonderful note.

And, to end this entry on a great note, I am booked on a flight to Rome this Friday, to see my grandmother and some of my Italian relatives. A short, three-night trip sandwiched in between my treatments, but precious nonetheless. About to turn 102 years of age, my grandmother is a remarkable woman with the biggest of hearts, and I have missed seeing her so badly since I was diagnosed. I have missed sharing James with her. She still has never been told that I am sick (and never will be), and while I have longed to hear her wisdom and have her comfort guide me through this marathon, I am glad that she has been protected from worry. So while we will not talk of my situation, I will instead soak up the energy and warmth of her presence. For, in her eyes, I am healthy and whole. And maybe, just maybe, that vision of hers will become my own again soon. And tiredness will make way for triumph.

Hugs to all.