Again I realise that too much time goes by in between my posts... and that when that happens, it is usually when I am going through a "bad patch". The past few days have not been all bad - far from it, but definitely "patchy", and yes, I have struggled.
Let's get the "bad patch" out the way first... this has been the hardest cycle I have had in the past 6 months. I have had terrible muscle pain/spasms and bone aches the nature of which have become an almost daily challenge. Trips to the hospital to try to figure out what is going on and, so far, they can only chalk it up to treatment side-effects. It has been depressing, given how much it has limited my ability to go out and exercise, and my sense of feeling "normal". I have needed heavy pain killers in order to get comfortable enough to sleep at night at times, and have had mornings when I have woken up in tears because I feel awful. I can't sit for too long. no position is comfortable. Chiara stayed over the other night while Julian went to Sevenoaks to see his family, and she ended up having to play nurse at 2:00am as I woke up in awful pain, needing medication and sobbing away. Lots of tears, not of fear, but of frustration and feeling very "low". In those moments, all I can do is push through the pain and tell myself through gritted teeth, "You can do it, Danda. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You can do it". So, I have been feeling quite miserable, have cried a lot, and have missed having a "well week" in the midst of my cycle. Nausea, great fatigue. It really beats you down and it takes every ounce of willpower to say, "I'm still getting up, I'm still going to fight 150%, I am still strong and I can push through this". This feels endless. And here I sit, as I type this, in the Chemo Day Unit, having round #22 of chemo. Never a breather. I want a breather so badly. But then, I guess that you don't see marathon runners sit on the side walk and take a nap mid race? So, I have been given more pain medication and the message is "You just have to brave it, if you can". Bone and CT scans are scheduled for March 19th, and I meet with Dr. Plowman for the results on the 22nd. If all is progressing well, cycle #23 will go ahead March 25th.
On a lighter and much happier note, I have been lucky to have had visitors fly across the pond to come and see me, and that has been great for the morale and to help distract me from the pain. Many highlights of chats, of laughs, of shared tears, of hugs, of "I get it... and it sucks". I have loved the "hello's" and loathed the "goodbyes". I managed to go out a little, determined to not let the pain confine me. While I am not religious, I am very spiritual, and visits to Westminster Abbey and St. Paul's Cathedral reduced me to tears - I breathed in hope and faith and possibility, and lit candles in private prayer. In an act of defiance in the face of the cancer f*$ker, Mary and I climbed up the almost 400 steps to the near top of St. Paul's dome, and at the top, we high fived with "Take that - cancer my ass!" (not appropriate for the venue, I recognise, but so appropriate for the accomplishment!). Jess and Ian cooked me "Beautiful Soup" (literally, that is its name) and healthy salmon the other day, and she sat on my bed last night and chatted "just like old times"as I let the meds take effect and release me from the spasms and pain. One can bear a lot of pain and misery when you are blessed with such great support. And not a day goes by, in this rougher patch, that I don't appreciate every gesture, email, thought, message, call, and good wish from my troops. Can you imagine running a marathon without anyone cheering you on? Impossible.
I saw a nutritionist earlier this week, and will be followed very closely by him. Julian, Chiara and Anthony attended the consultation, and it felt like a good "fine tuning" and "revamping" of what I am currently doing diet and supplement wise. It was also very confirmatory of all the good that I had been giving my body and further proof that Julian's hours of research and attention to this, and Chiara and Anthony's dedication to everything had and would continue to pay off. More dietary lifestyle changes will be introduced which will not be easy (e.g., one supplement alone involved taking 68 capsules a day!....), but again, I am willing to do whatever it takes. I go for another, different, consultation (Reiki) on Monday, and continue, bit by bit, to find new ways to give body and mind strength.
James continues to produce pages of artwork, dance at the drop of a hat, and clearly express his yes's and no's and more's... he is a sponge of information, soaking it all up, yet keeping it most to himself... I am waiting for the morning when he will wake up, and simply blurt out a full sentence of "Good morning, Mummy! How do you feel about a change of nappy, some milk, and then some play?" He is doing 
well. More than well. These are some recent pictures taken when we went to Holland Park, by our home.Spring still does not seem to have found its way here yet. Some glimpses of sun, but otherwise grey skies and cold cold winds. I saw crocuses in the park, but the daffodils are staying cosily underground, hoping for a warmer welcoming soon. I dream of Alexis' wedding in May. Just a couple of months away.
The chemo is starting to take effect, as I am feeling the "coat" coming on. Time to log off. Hugs to you all!
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