After a Shitty Day, All You Need is a Nuzzle.

Dear All,

It is wet, and grey, and cold and miserable outside. No surprise for early February, but I could sure use some sun and hints of spring. As my dear friend Jess said in a recent email, winter will soon shed its skin, and I will feel the warmth on mine.

Yesterday was one of those days which I can only describe as shitty. I woke up after a terrible night's sleep, and got ready for my day at the office feeling pretty awful. The physical fatigue of this new chemo regimen is the worst of the side effects... it's not sleepiness, it's a state of "drained energy", which makes you feel "old" and makes everything seem like a big effort. Plus, I have been fighting a bad cold and the achiness and headaches that comes with that. A winter cold and chemo residues - not a combo that puts you in the best of moods. Plus, by the time I left the house, I had dropped things, spilled things, tripped over things. You guessed it - one of those days..

Anyway, I managed to get to work, and as I got ready for my first appointment, realised that the top that I was wearing was covered in awful yellow stains... some remnants of one of James' dinners as he chose to "play" with his food. Anything but professional. So, I had to make a rushed call home to my mother, asking her to please bring me a different sweater as there was no way that I could meet families looking like this.

I then proceeded to use the bathroom, which is just outside my office door on our floor, admiring the remodelling work that had been done over the weekend... Strange though, that they had managed to change the sink around from one side of the cubicle to the other... and I thought that the toilet had been on the opposite wall... hadn't it just been a weekend job?.... I then realised, as I exited, that yes, I was in the men's bathroom. No wonder it looked so different! And I have been in the building for three years.... I tried to ignore the puzzled looks of a couple of men on my floor who had been patiently waiting to enter...

I did a three-hour testing session, by the end of which I had excruciating lower back pain. Bad posture? Tension? Whatever it was, aspirin did nothing, and by the time I had my lunch I was wondering if I would make it through all of my appointments. My headache was pounding, my nose was bleeding everytime I blew it (low platelets), and I simply felt miserable.

But I managed to get through the parent feedback, and we finished late, after an intense meeting. I had to show the client out of the side entrance, as the building's front doors in reception had already been locked for the evening. As I tried to get the client re-oriented out of this different exit, I heard the door click shut behind me. "No worries," I thought to myself, "I have the code". Which I proceeded to confidently punch in, having said goodbye to the client. The door buzzed but did not open. Hmmm, that's a bit odd. I tried again, same result. And only then did it dawn on me that the locks had been changed a month ago, and now you always required your key to open the door when you enter the code. So there I was, out in the rain and cold, feeling lousy, no coat, no keys, no cell phone... locked out of the building. Crap. This was not a good scenario... after unsuccesfully trying the intercoms by the front door of several businesses that also have offices in the building, I see a woman come out the side door. "WAIT!!" I shout, "PLEASE WAIT!" ... and after a stuttering explanation that yes, I did belong in the building and no, I was not crazy, she let me enter. Thank goodness.

Packed up my things, and made my way home, feeling tired, unwell, worried (you become a total hypochondriac when you have cancer), and basically in a low mood.

But then I opened my front door and stepped into my home....

And I was greeted by the biggest of smiles from James who squealed as he saw me and proudly showed me his latest Lego construction. He handed me crayons to draw, and pointed to some of his toys, as if to say, "Mama, the possibilities for entertainment are ENDLESS!". So we played, and we cuddled as he drank his milk before bed. And then, nappy changed and in his sleepsuit, I lay him down in his cot. We have a ritual as he settles to sleep where I kneel by his cot and stroke his head and rub his back and give him soft kisses as I tell him how proud I am of him, how many things we are going to do together, how much I love him, and that I will always, always be there for him. James smiled and cupped my face in his hand. And then, as if he sensed that I had had a shitty day, he suddenly stood up, and out of the blue wrapped his arms around my neck... and gave me a nuzzle. There is nothing better than a nuzzle: we're nose to nose and then cheek to cheek, and we stay there for a while in the closest of hugs. And then he cosies his head on my shoulder, and nestles his face against my neck. James held me there for several minutes, his arms wrapped tightly around me, as if to say, "I am not going to let you go until you feel better". In those moments, nothing else matters. Nothing feels more wonderful. And then, with a quiet sigh and a smile, James let go, lay down again with tag blanket in one hand and his treasured fluffy sheep in the other, and drifted soundly to sleep.

In a matter of minutes, I did the same, comforted, soothed and protected by the love of a nuzzle.

Hugs to all.