My highlight of the past few days is that my dearest friend Joanne is here in London, and she came to see me today. James fell in love with her from the moment she walked into the room (as I knew he would) - he showered her in smiles, responded joyfully to her playfulness, and showed genuine interest in the photo of her beautiful 4 year old daughter Annika...I think there's potential there for some future match making! It was so wonderful to see Joanne, and to be in her company. I miss my friends so very very much. I miss you all! As I sat with her and chatted over a cup of tea, I thought of my blog writing and how I typically type with a cup of green tea next to me... This blog has become my "cup of tea with friends", and I realise more and more, how much this connection means to me. And how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends, such a supportive family, such fabulous troops.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
More Lessons Learned.
My highlight of the past few days is that my dearest friend Joanne is here in London, and she came to see me today. James fell in love with her from the moment she walked into the room (as I knew he would) - he showered her in smiles, responded joyfully to her playfulness, and showed genuine interest in the photo of her beautiful 4 year old daughter Annika...I think there's potential there for some future match making! It was so wonderful to see Joanne, and to be in her company. I miss my friends so very very much. I miss you all! As I sat with her and chatted over a cup of tea, I thought of my blog writing and how I typically type with a cup of green tea next to me... This blog has become my "cup of tea with friends", and I realise more and more, how much this connection means to me. And how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends, such a supportive family, such fabulous troops.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JULIAN!!!!
What a story about the pond. Who was that crazy person!!
Today is about Julian. I hope he has a great day and a very Happy Birthday.
I love hearing about his farming, I have the best visual of him coming home from Seven Oaks on the train to his family with the goods. Just like little house on the prairie. (only the opposite coming from the counrty to the city) He is the best provider ever.
I love you Julian and miss your stories and smile.
Have a Great Birthday!!
Eve and Steve
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
We Move Forward.
A quick note, as I am about to head into a meeting. But I wanted to comment on a few things and provide an update.
I had chemo on Monday, and true to form, my hands and feet reacted with intensity to yet another round of medication. I have now learned that there are truly many shades of pink in this skin palette of mine, and that "pain" is a concept whose hues and subtleties abound. It really has become as much of a mental battle as a physical one, in trying to direct my focus away from what hurts and towards what feels "well". Thankfully, I felt much better this morning, and I had no need for pain killers. While I still tread lightly and touch gently, the intensity of the pain has subsided somewhat, and I can sense wonderful things (e.g., the cool floor, James' soft hair) beyond fire.
Dr. Plowman has scheduled a new set of scans to be taken two weeks from today. I shall have a CT scan on Wednesday November 4th, and meet with him Friday November 6th. We aim to see if more has shifted, and to obtain a new "baseline" as I end this particular treatment chapter and begin a new one. Basically, I will continue on three-week treatment cycles, taking the oral chemo and having the IV anti-angiogenic drug, but will be given a break from the IV chemo, so that my bone marrow can have a breather and regain its strength from the battering it has received to date. I shall be scanned regularly to see how I do with one out of three meds removed... The plan is to do this new regimen for the next three months at least, with the possibility of re-introducing a third drug contingent on my progress. On the one hand I am very nervous at "losing" the one medication, while on the other hand I see this as giving my body an even better chance to do some of its own fighting, with an immune system that is allowed to have more of a starring role. I believe that it is in my control to end this marathon victorious. One foot in front of the other. Believe, believe. And breathe.
I also wanted to take a moment to thank you for the continuous contributions to my Whole Foods account. I don't know who you all are, and I wish I did, so that I could thank you more personally. I am so overwhelmed by how generous you have been, and by the conviction that you share with me that my diet is such a key player in all of this. I never expected such ongoing support, and am at a loss for words to convey the gratitude I feel for the huge gestures that have been made in this regard. Julian and I often talk about wanting to do the same for others in my predicament when I complete this marathon of mine. Somehow, we will find a way to give back and provide people with the opportunity to nurture their bodies with goodness. I know that it has made an indescribable difference for me. It is one of my many plans of involvement as I think of the future and of how I can pass on some of the many amazing blessings that have been given to me.
I also want to apologise to many of you who have left me countless messages over the past couple of weeks and are waiting to hear back. Mary, Jane, Eve, Lisa Hilley, Lisa Vasallo, Jessica, Lindsay, Kamila, Karen ... the list is wonderfully long and I love you all tons. I only received some of your messages last night, as my cell phone has finally responded to some desperate tech CPR and is semi functional again following its submersion in pond water.... I will reconnect, I promise!
And talking about pond water, voila a photo of where I submerged last weekend. You see the crowd of people by the swans...? Well, just imagine the exact same scene, with James and I as part of the group of happy weekend strollers... oh, those flashbacks are quite priceless! I am pleased to report that James and I have sinced remained dry, and have developed a particular interest in dogs and squirrels, who prefer terra firma...!
Much love to everyone, and hugs to all, as always.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
For the storm won't last too long, Walk on, Walk Strong. When everything seems wrong, Hold on,Walk On.
Thru the fear and thru the fire You'll find the way out, Thru the pain and misconceptions, Thru the sorrow and the doubt.
When you look beyond your troubles,
Then you'll figure it out
You will find...
That the storm won't last too long, Walk on, Walk strong. When everything seems wrong, Hold on,Walk On...
She's crying in the corner, The work's never done, I'm tryin to explain to her that the victory has been won
Don't Be Afraid
There's Peace Beyond the rain
I know...it'll be okay...
The pain never lasts.
It's now in the past.
Hold on. Walk on.
Reflections of Gratitude on a Sunday Morning.
"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." ~G.K. Chesterton
My hair blew in the wind yesterday. I felt it, and almost burst into tears. Hard to describe how sweet it felt to experience something so simple that I had lost for some time now. It made me feel all that more alive. My hair blew in the wind!
My little one is sleeping soundly in his room, snuggled under his blanket, his arm around his toy sheep which, without a shadow of a doubt, is one of his most treasured possessions. He played tag with me this morning, he built me castles of blocks, he gave me hugs and eskimo nose kisses, and showered me in smiles. We shared cinnamon toast, and danced to "Big Barn Farm".
My sister is coming to visit me today. I have not seen her in a month, given her trip to Australia and then her bout of flu. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around her, and have her with me again. Her energy is infectious, her positivity is contagious. Her presence is simply wonderful.
Julian is out in the garden in Sevenoaks - digging up carrots and squash and onions that he planted for me months ago, and picking apples off the many trees in his orchard. He will lug bagfuls home later this evening, via train and bus, to pour onto our kitchen table and feed us with organic goodness.
My body has fought off a cold (pond-induced, I am sure!) in a mere 48 hours. What came on fully as a bad sore throat and very stuffy, runny nose, has now receded to almost nothing. No need for aspirin, Sudafed, antibiotics... my counts are low, and yet my body kicked this autumnal chill out of the ballpark without a problem. "I am strong", my body reminds me, "I am strong!". I am ready for round #15 of chemo tomorrow.
Hugs to All.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
To Laughter...
What a day! What I love is that you are living your life and while learning about balance also experiencing wonderful days of motherhood, like being pushed in the pond and washing goose poop off of your belongings. Okay so that is not a typical day, but a very memorable one. I know how lucky you feel to have James in your life, but he is such a lucky little guy to have you as a mother!
I hope these next weeks ahead are filled with dry days, less swelling, and lots of balance. I love you.
Hugs,
Lisa
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wow!
I can't believe someone shoved you in the pond! I have to admit that the way you told the story made me laugh out loud, but you must have had a pretty tough hour there. Whenever I try and imagine how your day is going I have never, ever imagined you splashing in the Kensington Park pond! And this is so funny that I can so easily picture you in there... this is dangerous, I should use my imagination to put you in better situations ;)
Your burns are also very... colorful (to say a neutral word...). It's unbelievable how burns can come from inside the body, as if you had a fire sitting under your feet and hands all the time, but from the other side of the skin! That must be really difficult. Luckily you're going to have "only" three more weeks of this. Three weeks are still a lot, but the change in schedule after the last round will hopefully get rid of this problem. I really hope so!
A big hug, superwoman!
A little inspiration!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Opposites
I was thinking as I read the paragraph about the work wind that one way to look at it is that it is okay, nay important, nay critical, that you allow yourself to think about how to make use of the work in ways that are healing for YOU, and not get sucked into feeling an obligation to work a certain amount to meet other people's needs. I hope that is what you have begun tofind when you describe turning it into a soothing breeze instead of a stormy or overwhelming wind. It's great that it is normalizing, healing, brings you back in touch with your sense of competence, with the support of your colleagues and clients, with the honor of being trusted, and with your intellectual self (which is maybe a lovely break from your being in your body right now). And you want to work in amounts and in ways that allow you to reap all those benefits without ANY deficit. You don't have to owe anything to anyone, you don't have to push through anything for anyone else's sake. And while this may feel unfamiliar and may, at first, feel like youare not doing your job to your fullest, the exact opposite is true. By staying true to yourself, by working in only ways that are healthy to you, by knowing and respecting your own limits, you provide you very best personal and professional self to your clients. I so dearly hope you can find that soothing breeze in your work.
On a lighter note...the story about getting pushed (you are so generous to add in there that it was "accidental" -- one can only hope!!!) reminded me of the best laugh I have had in awhile. I'll try to recount the story...My dad is infamous in our family for getting very lost in his own world. In his defense, it is largely because of his hearing loss, but it is exacerbated by the joy he finds in settling into an electronic world. He can play happily on his ipod while major discussions, arguments, life moments, or even commentary about him go on right around him. My mom, as you can imagine, is perpetually trying to explain to him why this canbe frustrating for her! Well, the other day I recommended he download a game for the grandkids onto his ipod callen Balloon Animals. Here's how it works: A deflated balloon appears on the screen; you blow into the end of your ipod (literally, you blow on the damn thing), and the balloon in the picture blows up. Then you shake the ipod, and the balloon gets contorted and contorted until it turns into a balloon animal that then does funny little things when you touch it (via the ipod screen). Whacky crazy cool, right?! So my parents are out to dinner in Boston, and my dad is playing with this thing, and he is particularly enthralled with the blowing feature. While he is on one side of the table blowing in his ipod, my mom bends over to pick something up from her purse and leans back, in the process, against a bifold door that, in warm weather, is open to the deck of the restaurant. Turns out that there bifold door was not locked, and it promptly opened against my mom's weight, and she FELL OUT OF THE RESTAURANT onto the deck!! People from tables all around jumped to her rescue, pulling her back inside and getting her to her feet. NOT among the crowd of rescuers? My dad. Yup. He sat there on the other side of the table blowing on his ipod, completely unaware that anything was happening. When he finally looked up my mom was already back on her feetand inside the restaurant, and there was a small crowd gathered around the table, many of whom were, apparently, shooting him some pretty nasty looks. He ended this story bysaying, "In my defense, what is a man supposed to do to rescue a woman on the other side of the table who is already airborne?!" I laughed for a good 5 minutes just reading the story. Needless tosay, it's probably best I wasn't there in person!!
So, odd combination of heavy and light in this post...but that is the way life is sometimes, isn't it? Another formof balance. It's so nice to hear the confidence in your voice, Alex, despite the torture. It seemed inevitable that Peter's passing would bring the fears of death that get pushed down under ground to the surface. And as painful as that it is, maybe having felt those fears, having let them up to the surface, ahs also allowed them to flow away a bit...maybe this new sense of earth grounding, earth balance, and confidence was on the other side. I love you - Lindsay
Fire, Water, Wind, ... and Earth.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Miniature kiwi
Hi Panda,
How is this Saturday afternoon going? I can see you playing with James, talking with Julian, writing some report, resting with a good cup of tea. I'm sure you also spent some time today looking at the many photos Chiara must have brought from Australia.
I went to the organic Saturday market in the morning. I discovered something that I had no idea existed: miniature kiwis. They have a technical name that I now forget, but I saw on the internet that they are also called hardy kiwis. They are as big as a grape, green, with a smooth peel. You eat all of them, including the peel, which is soft and tasty. They do really taste wonderful, like kiwis, but more tasty, a bit sweeter and with a soft pulp that melts in your mouth. I don't know if kiwis are good in your diet, but I thought that these mini-kiwis would make for a very interesting addition to your juices. They are like wonderful berries, so if you've never tried them, throw a few in the juicer!
A hug.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Fight the **c!er!!
This is a quick post that I've been meaning to write to add to Karen's note about our walk. (Big thanks to Karen for organizing us troops!!)
Last night I came home to my crazy husband wearing his "Team Alessandra" shirt. I made him an honorary shirt last week despite the fact that he didn't walk with us because he was attending a friend's bachelor party in NY. But, sweet and loving guy that he is, he apparently put on the shirt last night as he busied himself around the house awaiting my return.
Some of the shirts, Victor's included, had "fight the **C!er" on the back in honor of your fighting spirit against cancer. I went a little tamer on others, and wrote softer sentiments, like "Believe", and "Good News"....because we were walking with Rachel's and Karen's moms, and little three year old Annika....
However, I did end up writing "fight the **C!er" on Annika's because Joanne insisted that Annika likes to state things the way that they are. Very cute kid :)
Anyway, just trying to broaden your smile. Your troops had a nice time walking for you, and we love you dearly. We hope that next year you can wear your Survivor sash and walk with us. Until then, I wish we could collectively take away your pain. Many virtual hugs,
-Julie
Bigger post
Hi Panda,
[I wrote what follows a few days ago while I was still under the weather and didn't get the chance to post it. I'm going to edit it a little, but otherwise I'm going to leave it as it is].
Here is the beginning of the fall. Not as beautiful and colorful as autumn in New England, but it definitely has its charm. I have no photo that shows how autumn looks like here, so I'll post something entirely different: Jerusalem in September.
I was in Jerusalem for a couple of weeks, visiting Oori's family. The photo above is taken from a cafe in the old city and shows Temple Mount. The dome of the right (not perfectly visible) is the Al Aqsa mosque, and the dome on the left is the Dome of the Rock, the shrine where the Foundation Stone lays. According to the Muslim tradition, from this stone the prophet Mohammad rose to heaven, and according to the Jewish tradition, the Arc of the Covenant used to sit on this rock in the Jewish temple. In addition, from this rock the world was created--I am therefore posting here a photo of the center of the world! The Wailing Wall, in case you're interested, is between the two domes, you can't see it in the photo because it sits too low.
I sat in this cafe, in front of this view, for a long time sipping tea on the day after my food poisoning. As soon as I felt better, I so wanted to go out of the house and walk around the city. I was so happy to be able to be out and about that anything I saw seemed magic and beautiful, and since I still had not recovered all of my energy, I just wanted to sit everywhere and look around. Of course, on that day, I thought of you a lot. I thought how you too--and for such a long time now!--on the days you feel more energetic must look at the world as a magic place to explore. I'm not trying to say that I know what you feel or I have a good idea of what you're going through, I just think that for a few moments I was able to put myself if not in your shoes, in shoes "close to yours" (at least, I tried). I sent you all of my best vibes, thinking of your scans coming up and the many steps of your trying way to recovery.
Good vibes resonated everywhere in Jerusalem. I know this is not the idea one gets from reading the news from the Middle East, but the feeling I got was very different. It was the end of the Ramadan and the beginning of the Jewish New Year. Even if you are not among those who fast during the Ramadan month, knowing that so many people around you are, and that they are in general exercising moderation (and through this are aiming at spiritual purification) gives you a lot of food for thought on patience, modesty, and spirituality. In addition, seeing people getting ready for the New Year was much more heart-warming than it ever is for our New Year. It's not a commercial event; again, it's spiritual. The New Year is a moment of renovation in a deep sense, just consider that it is the first of eight days in which people amend their behavior toward other people and toward God and ask for forgiveness both to other people and to God, until the last day, the Day of Atonement, when they also fast. People were happy in the days before the New Year. The evening before you could see the people in the streets and buses going home calmly and with a smile. I don't think I ever experienced this for our Christmas or New Year.
So, I tried to absorb all that while thinking of you and tried to funnel it in your direction. I believe that if you didn't feel the warm wave of good energy flowing your way then, you are going to feel it soon.
A hug.
Smaller post
Hi Panda,
I am so sorry to read about your intruding thoughts and the psychological torture you are subjected to, in addition to the physical torture, by this disease. I usually prefer to focus on the positive aspects of your posts, but these days in which mourning a beloved uncle adds so much pain to your already difficult situation, I just want to send you the biggest of hugs.
Having said that, I'm done with the negative. I'll revert to my strategy of sharing with you some of the positive small things that make me happy throughout my day, hoping that some of that happiness reaches you somehow and contributes to your strength for the fight ahead. OK?
On Saturday, Oori and I went on a long bike ride ("Of course! What else can she be taking about!" ;) ). We visited a castle on the side of the mountain that I see each time we take the freeway in the valley. The photo above shows the view from the castle. I took that photo with the specific purpose of showing it to you--so, you see, you're in my thoughts pretty often.
On the way back, along the bike path, I saw lots of yellow flowers and very small--but so many!--purple flowers in the shade of big trees, that I couldn't believe this is the beginning of October (sorry I didn't have the chance to take a photo of this). They were not there in the summer. These are wild flowers that bloom in October, period. Note that no grapes are left in the vineyards, only few apples are still on the trees in the orchards and the mountains have begun to brown. So, although fall is coming, along the bike path it felt like a second spring has come! A clear sign that renovation and new life can spring in any season.
A big hug.
Monday, October 5, 2009
One Last Thought of the Day.
Goodnight to all.
The Chorus is Loud Through Tough Times
My body has had its own particular battle this past week. My hands and feet have been particularly painful, a cumulative combination of the “burning” skin and the inflamed nerve endings. It became unbearable after my chemo Monday, so much so that I had to take heavy pain killers for a couple of nights to try to fall asleep. Even with the meds, the the pain awoke me in the middle of the night, but all I could do at that point was ride it out. Again, visualising proved to be my tool. I visualised the tumours being torched, burned, set on fire, and “watched” them wither and shrivel and be reduced to ashes that, in my characteristically anally retentive way, I proceeded to vacuum up, leaving everything looking “clean”. After a couple of hours, I would manage to drift off to sleep. The night sweats have been bad too (I had four last night, each requiring a change of clothes), but again, I imagined the heat burning the tumours to absolute smithereens…
Having survived the week, I spent the weekend simply immersing myself in James. He is my biggest comfort, my greatest booster, my largest source of pure joy. We played for hours, and I marvelled at how much he takes in, how well he copies so much of what I do, how curious he is about the world around him. We played a lot of music, and he danced and danced and danced… he just loved it… The kid’s got rhythm! [“Strictly Come Dancing” – known as “Dancing with the Stars” in the U.S. - was on television Saturday evening, and he was mesmerised, shaking his little bottom from side to side… I could see Julian frantically making a mental note to expose this poor child to something a little more intellectual… David Attenborough’s Planet Earth series, perhaps..?!]. James’ pretend play is also lovely to watch – his latest source of enjoyment is holding a small, plastic truck in his hand and driving it all over the furniture… “Brmmm! Brmmm!” he goes, off on his imaginative adventure. Bath time was one big splash after another, rubber ducks and foam shapes galore, quickly transforming our tiled bathroom floor into an indoor pond. James filled our home with hysterical giggles and squeals all weekend, none more so than when interacting with my mother who seems to share many a private joke with my little one. We spent a lovely time in the park, marvelling at the autumn leaves and enjoying the crispness in the air. At one point, James crawled right up to me, squeezed me in a tight hug, and then ruffled up my hair with his hands, as if to say, “Everything’s great, Mama”. He’s just the happiest of little boys, and that happiness is infectious.
So, despite having just spent the better part of the day in hospital (my blood work came back its usual low, so the mid-cycle chemo was skipped yet again, requiring the now traditional discussion about when to start the next series of immune boosting injections), I am starting this week with my fighting spirit strong. I have Uncle Peter looking out for me, my burns are scorching the hell out of my cancer, and James is grinning from ear to ear. And those are just a few of the many, many weapons in my armour. And did I mention that Chiara got back from Australia this morning? Hooray!
Hugs to all.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Team Alessandra....Making Strides 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
sad news
Lots of love - Lindsay
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My deepest love and thoughts to you all!!
I'm so sorry to hear about Peter's passing. I know how special he was to all of you!
My thoughts are with you all and especially Lisa and her children. Alexis I hope you find comfort in knowing your father was able to see you get engaged and know your husband to be. My father died before I was married and didn't really get to know my husband, but I knew he approved and was happy to see me engaged before he passed away. From what I've heard about Peter through the years it sounds like he had a wonderful full life.
Again my love to you all!! I know he will be missed!!!!
Love,
Eve
My dearest Uncle Peter.
My dearest Uncle Peter passed away peacefully last night. He was surrounded by his children and my Aunt Lisa - love, love, love all around him. Words cannot do justice in describing what a wonderful man he was, and what a special person in my life.
Uncle Peter celebrated my move to Boston over a decade ago, and cheered me through my endless studies. "We've got another doctor in the house! Doctor Danda!" he'd exclaim. I have lost count of how many times he welcomed me with open arms and the tighest of hugs to his From Away Farm house in Maine - it became my other home, in grounding, in comfort, in spirit. For years I would drive up in my trusted 1990 Honda ("Jack"), and he would make sure that I kept it looking cared for - washed, polished, oil changed... for one should have pride in one's possessions, and there was no excuse for neglect, he would tell me. He would watch me typing away at my laptop, writing yet another report, and would combine praise for my efforts with gentle reminders to take breaks from all the work. He would make me giggle as he'd tell me a phrase in his Sicilian dialect and I would tease him as to whether he was speaking Italian at all. In my days as a student, he would often slip me a $50 bill as we'd say good bye, with a wink and a "Look after yourself, treat yourself, you deserve it" - that was his way: generous, kind and supportive. Despite his hearing aid, this was a man who was a good listener and who would share his own accounts of his experiences in his "hey day" with humour and a twinkle in his eye, that would have us all smiling. Uncle Peter embraced Julian as if he were his own son; he spent hours with him in the garden and shared many an evening chatting on the deck as they sipped their aperitifs. Julian often described feeling the closest of bonds to him, and their companionship was lovely to watch. Uncle Peter gave me wonderful memories in St. Thomas; again, so many happy trips and happy times with family and friends, under both sunny skies and tropical rain fall. "Life is good," he would say, "Life is good."
My parents, Julian, James and I saw Uncle Peter on webcam last week. He looked great and made us laugh, and it was wonderful to hear his voice. I may not have an internet connection to heaven, but I know that he will continue to read this blog, cheer me on, and feel all the love that so many have for him. I miss him so.