Fire, Water, Wind, ... and Earth.

Dear All,

One would hope that my silence from the blog would be due to things being calm and status quo, but alas, not in my neck of the woods! Let's chalk it up to fire, water, and wind....

FIRE: My hands and feet have been at their most painful in months. My skin feels like it has been scorched and then dragged over a carpet of stinging nettles. I can hardly bend my thumb on my right hand, due to the cracked and raw sores, and my skin on either hand feels pulled so taut that it feels very uncomfortable to try to stretch my fingers out flat. I have lost a lot of the sensation on my fingertips. My feet are different shades of pink, except for the brown line that travels along their contour, marking a definitive burnt track. My soles are covered in creases, each of which feels like a sharp pin when I put any pressure on it. Walking barefoot can be excruciating, making the simple trip from bedroom to bathroom in the middle of the night feel like an endless nocturnal trek. Creams and pills seek to soothe, but admittedly do little. Many have asked me what this all looks like, and given that my troops and I now share an intimacy in this marathon of mine, I have attached some photos, when things still weren't that bad. I'd hardly rank high on the sexy rating, eh?! But, I revert to alternatives: stroking James' soft cheeks with the back of my hand, embracing the padded practicality of sneakers versus trendy heels, and focusing on what I can do instead of what I cannot. Push through the pain, and you realise that your limits are far beyond what you might have expected at first. Burn, baby, burn - but I am still holding on tight and still walking towards that finish line, one step at a time.

WATER: Well, you'd think that I didn't need any more drama in my life, but why put a cap on it? For reasons that I have still to fathom, the Gods decided that Saturday would be a perfect day to give me a little more "upheaval". There I was, in the Kensington Park with James, crouching near the edge of the pond as he squealed in delight, pointing out the ducks and geese and swans. Next thing I know, I feel a shove, and I am pushed forward... I put my foot out to brace myself and whoosh....I slip on swan shit and before you can say "You've got to be kidding me!" I am in the pond. Yes, you read correctly. I am sitting, up to my waist, in the Kensington Park Pond. James was up to his thighs in the pond too, and so was the buggy, floating off and tilting dangerously as my handbag was hanging on the handle, quickly filling with water, with my wallet, cell phone, house keys.... You know when you have those moments where you ask yourself, "Are you serious?!?" Luckily, motherly instincts kicked in big time. I didn't care about the buggy or bag - it was all about James, who at this stage was dripping wet in freezing water and wailing at the top of his lungs, clearly wanting to communicate, "Mama, you call this a fun day out?! What the hell just happened?! I love the ducks, but I don't want to be a duck...." I held him tight and focused on keeping him warm. While the culprit who accidentally shoved us was never identified, bystanders jumped in to help me, dragging me out, and rescuing buggy and handbag. I ask you to then imagine my sprinting across the park (screw the painful feet....), leaving a trail of water behind me, as families and couples stared at me with a look of confusion, curiosity and disbelief. I managed to flag down a lovely London cab driver who agreed to give us a ride home, despite the fact that I flooded his cab and soaked the fabric on his seats. James at this stage was singing and giggling, while I veered dangerously back and forth between wanting to laugh and to burst into tears. Got home, promptly put James in a hot bath and to bed, washed swan shit and pond water off my possessions, and did a huge load of laundry.... what a morning. I am still recuperating.... Oh the joys of the Kensington Park Pond - I will forever look at the water from a new perspective!

WIND: Work has felt like a tornado of chaotic wind. I have received endless referrals, and am trying to figure out how to manage all of this. It is wonderful to be wanted in this way, and to see that my practice has not suffered at all professionally following my complete absence on the scene for so long. But I am wary of falling into old ways, and am listening to my body to guide me in what I can do and what I should do and what simply isn't wise nor possible. The inability to predict my treatment course beyond a few weeks, makes booking appointments incredibly tricky. Balance. It all comes down to balance, time and time again. I have to say that it has felt increasingly good to be back in the saddle, and I have experienced less of the melancholy that has plagued me in the past as I adapt to my body's new rhythm. I continue to be struck by the warmth and encouragement of colleagues, by the understanding and appreciation of parents, and by the trust that children and teenagers give to me. I love my work. But I love my life even better, and so I am learning how to taper the wind and turn it into more of a comforting breeze.

I guess that this trilogy of fire, water and wind is lacking its fourth companion of EARTH. Well, I feel more grounded than I have in a while. Calmer. More at ease. Maybe it is because, despite the awful physical pain of hands and feet, I feel well. Maybe it is because the lymph node seems to have turned another corner and shrunk some more. Maybe it is because when I look in the mirror, I see a familiar face with some hair on her head and rosier cheeks. Maybe it is because James continues to light up my life with his joy and his playfulness, with his cuddles and nuzzles, with his gentleness and tenderness. Maybe it is because I feel everyone's love and friendship and support so strongly, and am lost for words in seeing that it has not wavered in the least over these 10 long months. Maybe it is because the tiredness that I feel does not scare me as much; it is normal to feel tired when you are running a marathon. Maybe it is because I am proud that I am still fighting 100% and that I believe that I am winning. And the fear that was so visceral a week or so ago, has ebbed and allowed me to breathe a little easier.

Hugs to all.