I guess the death word has to be faced and looked at sooner or later. It reminds me of when I lived in the States and several times I would see that famous bumper sticker: "Look Fear In The Eyes". Sometimes fears are actually ghosts we create and nourish with our own minds, ghosts we do everything to avoid...until we´re forced (or maybe a wiser person choses) to face them. Since my father died almost a year now, I cannot claim to have understood death or really faced it. But maybe I have looked at it a bit closer, and gone beyond the ghosts I had constructed through my own fear. Death has a strange way of reminding you that there is something beyond, something mysterious, something incomprehensible but beautiful, powerful, infinitely peaceful. And, in my own ignorant, naive, inexperienced way that is how I have felt, and now live, my father´s death. Life, ironically, becomes all the more present, all the more meaningful, all the more worthwhile in its cosmic insignificance. My father breathes through me and his earthly absence has brought a new depth to my life. It´s as if he had opened a door to a new dimension I hardly ever was aware of (maybe only in those moments of pure joy, those similar to a child´s, when you´re so fully immersed in the present and so far-removed from the chains of your mind that you grasp the true wonder of Life).
So what is Life, what is Death? A while back I heard a saying that struck me, and that I only came to understand in the context of the "loss" I had just experienced: "The opposite of Life is not Death. The opposite of Death is Birth. Life is eternal." So the Life force is that to which we must be faithful, in whatever shape or form. You, Danda, are faithful to a Life force that is choosing to stay on this earth, an earth we will all leave sooner or later. Fears as terrible and (almost) paralyzing as those you´ve experienced seem inevitable when your´re going through what you´re living. But they may also represent your ultimate and true victory. The painful burns, the weakness, the nauseas, the endless other physical challenges you´ve faced may pale in comparison with the dispair brought on by fears. That is where the biggest battle lies. In essence, it´s where all of our human battles lie. Whether they be a small struggle or a huge war, we face fears every day in some shape or form, consciously or unconsciously. As so many friends, family, colleagues repeatedly tell you, you have been of unimaginable bravery in withstanding nothing less than 14 crazy, wild, roller-coaster, marathon, chemos!!! But maybe the battles behind-the-scenes, those in the deepest darkness and most isolated of places, those fighting the demons of Fear, are those that have brought out the bravest of bravest Alessandras, Dandas, Pandas, you name it! I am sure that every single battle you have won against your fears is taking you towards your objective. The realization of your objective is actually that faint, distant light that in the darkest of moments you have chosen to drag yourself towards, then walk towards seeing it strengthen slowly but surely as you approach it. That light is always there, Danda. The light of what you dream, what you desire, what you believe in, what you battle towards. At times, you may be walking upstraight towards it, at others almost crawling. But never forget it is the march of the winner´s battle.
Before your new battle tomorrow, may the soft voice of this beautiful girl, Tae, bring you comfort and fill you with strength, peace and faith. She wrote this song after being diagnosed with cancer in both lungs and the liver, and recorded it in February 2008, the month of her 15th birthday. She is the daughter of a very dear colleague of mine...I know both are more than happy to share this with you, and anyone else who needs it.
WALK ON, WALK STRONG
For the storm won't last too long, Walk on, Walk Strong. When everything seems wrong, Hold on,Walk On.
Thru the fear and thru the fire You'll find the way out, Thru the pain and misconceptions, Thru the sorrow and the doubt.
When you look beyond your troubles,
Then you'll figure it out
You will find...
That the storm won't last too long, Walk on, Walk strong. When everything seems wrong, Hold on,Walk On...
She's crying in the corner, The work's never done, I'm tryin to explain to her that the victory has been won
Don't Be Afraid
There's Peace Beyond the rain
I know...it'll be okay...
The pain never lasts.
It's now in the past.
Hold on. Walk on.
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