Opposites

What an amazing letter, Alex. Even just your capacity to see the bigger picture and frame your current experiences as being related to the major life elements is a sign of the peace, health, calm, and balance you are feeling.

I was thinking as I read the paragraph about the work wind that one way to look at it is that it is okay, nay important, nay critical, that you allow yourself to think about how to make use of the work in ways that are healing for YOU, and not get sucked into feeling an obligation to work a certain amount to meet other people's needs. I hope that is what you have begun tofind when you describe turning it into a soothing breeze instead of a stormy or overwhelming wind. It's great that it is normalizing, healing, brings you back in touch with your sense of competence, with the support of your colleagues and clients, with the honor of being trusted, and with your intellectual self (which is maybe a lovely break from your being in your body right now). And you want to work in amounts and in ways that allow you to reap all those benefits without ANY deficit. You don't have to owe anything to anyone, you don't have to push through anything for anyone else's sake. And while this may feel unfamiliar and may, at first, feel like youare not doing your job to your fullest, the exact opposite is true. By staying true to yourself, by working in only ways that are healthy to you, by knowing and respecting your own limits, you provide you very best personal and professional self to your clients. I so dearly hope you can find that soothing breeze in your work.

On a lighter note...the story about getting pushed (you are so generous to add in there that it was "accidental" -- one can only hope!!!) reminded me of the best laugh I have had in awhile. I'll try to recount the story...My dad is infamous in our family for getting very lost in his own world. In his defense, it is largely because of his hearing loss, but it is exacerbated by the joy he finds in settling into an electronic world. He can play happily on his ipod while major discussions, arguments, life moments, or even commentary about him go on right around him. My mom, as you can imagine, is perpetually trying to explain to him why this canbe frustrating for her! Well, the other day I recommended he download a game for the grandkids onto his ipod callen Balloon Animals. Here's how it works: A deflated balloon appears on the screen; you blow into the end of your ipod (literally, you blow on the damn thing), and the balloon in the picture blows up. Then you shake the ipod, and the balloon gets contorted and contorted until it turns into a balloon animal that then does funny little things when you touch it (via the ipod screen). Whacky crazy cool, right?! So my parents are out to dinner in Boston, and my dad is playing with this thing, and he is particularly enthralled with the blowing feature. While he is on one side of the table blowing in his ipod, my mom bends over to pick something up from her purse and leans back, in the process, against a bifold door that, in warm weather, is open to the deck of the restaurant. Turns out that there bifold door was not locked, and it promptly opened against my mom's weight, and she FELL OUT OF THE RESTAURANT onto the deck!! People from tables all around jumped to her rescue, pulling her back inside and getting her to her feet. NOT among the crowd of rescuers? My dad. Yup. He sat there on the other side of the table blowing on his ipod, completely unaware that anything was happening. When he finally looked up my mom was already back on her feetand inside the restaurant, and there was a small crowd gathered around the table, many of whom were, apparently, shooting him some pretty nasty looks. He ended this story bysaying, "In my defense, what is a man supposed to do to rescue a woman on the other side of the table who is already airborne?!" I laughed for a good 5 minutes just reading the story. Needless tosay, it's probably best I wasn't there in person!!

So, odd combination of heavy and light in this post...but that is the way life is sometimes, isn't it? Another formof balance. It's so nice to hear the confidence in your voice, Alex, despite the torture. It seemed inevitable that Peter's passing would bring the fears of death that get pushed down under ground to the surface. And as painful as that it is, maybe having felt those fears, having let them up to the surface, ahs also allowed them to flow away a bit...maybe this new sense of earth grounding, earth balance, and confidence was on the other side. I love you - Lindsay