Chalking it up to a very bad day.

Dear All,

Well, yesterday was one of those days where the hill turned into a mountain, and where the marathon seemed to extend itself beyond the 26.2 miles originally charted...

My sternum pain shifted from being excruciatingly painful in the central area to becoming only a dull pain when touched. Great. But as the day progressed, the lower part of my sternum, where it connects to my bottom ribs, grew more and more painful, and by lunch time, I could barely move without feeling shooting pain in my lower chest. Just sitting still and breathing was painful, as my rib cage expanded in and out. Crazy as it sounds, the beating of my heart hurt that area - I found myself asking, could it not beat less strongly, please? So, I called the hospital, and was asked to come in... next thing I know, I am having a chest x-ray (all clear, no visible infection), and then I found myself in Dr. Plowman's office, as he carefully examined me...

Verdict: I may possibly have a tiny fracture in my sternum, which occurred through motion (i.e., picking up James?) or a strain on bone that is weak or still battling cancer traces. More likely, I have had a "flare up" of cancer on my sternum... So, I was told that we needed to target that area right away, and next thing I know I am lying on the examination table, with my top off, and Dr. Plowman and a radiologist measuring and marking me up for radiotherapy. I will have a week's worth of radiation sessions, starting today, and we'll re-assess to see if to continue with more or not at this point. Chemo proceeds as normal, 8 hours' worth scheduled for tomorrow, in addition to the radiotherapy treatment first thing in the morning. Overnight hospital stay as orginally planned. I asked Dr. Plowman, "If this is in fact some new cancer, is it not likely that my liver may also not be responding well to this new chemo regimen?" To which he responded, "No, Alessandra, you must not jump to those conclusions at all. It doesn't work that way".

I just don't understand how it works. There is no pattern, there is no predictability, there is no reason... I find it so frustrating, so scary, so overwhelming. Needless to say, I was a tearful mess yesterday afternoon. Angry, fearful, disappointed, upset. And deeply saddened by the news. When is all this going to end? Have I not paid my dues?

All I can do is chalk it up to it being a very bad day. All I can do is look at that mountain, and equip myself with my mental climbing gear. All I can do is tell myself that as I fighter I simply have one more big dent in my armour, but the fight is still mine for the winning. All I can do is re-focus and never, not for a second, take my eye off that finish line.

And remind myself that I have my troops, that I am not alone in this, and that I can do this. 2010 is my year. I need you all more than ever.

Hugs to all.