It is what it is.

Dear All,

Thank you for all your messages and virtual hugs. And yes, Alexis, your post made me smile. :-)

I continue, however, to be in a bit of a mood rut. Very tearful, and feeling that the sadness is just below the surface, threatening to overflow in the most unexpected of moments. I give myself pep talks, and am reaching the point where I just need to give myself a kick in the ass and get that bounce back in my step. Feeling sorry for myself will get me nowhere. Damn December! I need to get into the Christmas mode, to be a participant in the "cheer" , not just be an observer. It's not about pretending that "all is well" when it isn't, I tell myself. It's about focusing on what is good, what is happy, what is well. Don't let the cancer narrow your perspective, don't let it define the lens through which you view your life, I tell myself. Easier said then done, but still doable. So, I allow myself a period every day when I can vent, bitch, sob, and let the "taps flow"... and then I pick myself up and regroup. This too shall pass. Or as my Uncle Geoffrey would say, it is what it is. One day at a time.

What has made things harder is that I developed a terrible pain in my sternum over the weekend, and it threw me into a panic. The pain was awful - just resting a finger on the area made me wince. The thought of the bone mets returning, spreading, was overwhleming, and for a couple of days, I struggled to push that thought away. The pain has subsided, and I will see what Dr. Plowman thinks. It could be a flare up of the cancer site, it could be something less ominous. It is the unknown and the possibility of another hill to climb which makes it difficult to not worry. But if it is a cancer flare up, then heck, I'm just going to have to fight harder.

I will not be getting chemo tomorrow as my platelet counts came back today too low. Not surprising as my nose continues to bleed. So I am scheduled for Friday, with the typical overnight stay.

Wanting to end on a humorous note.... I was at work today, where I met with a 10 year old little girl who has cerebral palsy and epilepsy. She has significant developmental delays, amongst which her speech is near unintelligible, which makes it so challenging to understand her. I was trying to gauge both her receptive and expressive language skills for the purpose of the assessment, and it was proving to be quite an ordeal, requiring creativity and perseverance. However, in the middle of a task, I see her eyes grow wide and out of her mouth come out the crystal clear words, "Blood out of your nose!!!!!" Poor child, true enough, my nose was bleeding and I had not even been aware of it! I grabbed a Kleenex, wiped my nose, and asked, "Does that look better?", to which she again, articulated clearly, "Noooooo! There's more!!!" Suffice to say that we eventually got through the session with my being able to record a string of very clear language samples.... and hopefully with my having managed not to traumatise her too much! Oh dear!

Hugs to all.