rewind

Hiya sweetie -
It's intense to hear you rememeber the moment of diagnosis, the moment this fight began in a way you were cognitively conscious of (of course, the battle had already begun at that point, but in a different way). I was imagining that moment just a few days ago. I had a weird and what turned out to be not a big deal medical moment -- the vision in my left eye went all bizarro on me, and I was wondering whether something major was happening to my eye, my vision, or my brain. For the most part it was all pretty mellow and I wasn't deeply concerned. But there was one intense moment that made me think of you, and you have been extra present for me ever since. It was the moment, about three seconds long, when the doctor said, "I believe this is the onset of..." The end of the sentence was not dramatic. It was called an occular migraine. A bummer if migraines progress, but not a big deal, really. But I was intensely aware of the feelings that surged through me for the few seconds while I heard the words "onset of" and for the second or two after that while I processed what he was saying and understood it to not be a big deal. Really not trying to play upmy own experience here. What I connected with, quite deeply, was the realization of what you must have gone through in that moment when you heard your own diagnosis. When that fear surges through your body, and instead of taking in calming words that help you re-regulate your body, your feelings, your thoughts, you hear words that change everything, and your body, your feelings, your thoughts have to settle into a new, long-term temporary reality. I imagine that the anniversary brings that all back to life. And that really, you have sort of been stuck in that moment, some days more than others, ever since. I wish I could wish that moment away. It's like the ultimate moment you wish to rewind. But of course, even when this battle is won, that moment will always be with you, I suppose. But won't it be great when this anniversary brings backs a distant memory, and a memory of a fight fought and won. I can't wait to toast that day with you. I love you - Lindsay