taking it in

Danda,

If you can believe I can relate! I let the tears fall for different reasons. I want life to be back as it was. I want to go back to the hospital and give it another go with Dad, to do more, tell him more and look into his eyes and hear his voice one more time. I let these emotions take hold when I look back and not forward.

Now I know these two things are not nearly the same, but bear with me and I will try my darnedest to draw a correlation. I cry, I weep, and then I heavily sob. All very cathartic if you do them in small doses and tell yourself while in the middle of a tear, "Ok you've had your cry. Are you going to keep going on like this? For how long? Are you feeling better crying or are you just continuing because if you are crying you might as well keep going until your eye ducts dry up?" By the time I have gone through all these questions in my head I stop crying because I realize the release I needed was over and I am losing energy continuing on. And then I stop. Oh, and now I have digressed. But trust me the crying is good and gets it all out so your head and heart can relieve some of their burden.

Now on to the part about looking back instead of looking forward. The part that leads me to tears is the looking back part. The part where I want to go back to the hospital and I picture how things could have gone. This is the part that is most frustrating because I cannot change it. It is there for me to dwell on and think about. Now, when I think of Dad before that I am fine; I am happy. I think of all our time together, the good times, the happy times and the times where life was full and untainted for the most part. When I think about Dad in the future, he is not there, but his spirit is so I think of all that lays ahead of me. All that he wanted to for me...all the living he knew I still had to do. This again makes me happy knowing that there are better days ahead.

How does this all tie back to you? Well, I am never quite certain if what I have written makes any sense or the parallels only exist in my mind, but here is what I think. If you think back to last year in December and try to make sense of all you have accomplished and all that has happened it is overwhelming. It was a long and trying year. You experienced more emotions than many people experience in decades. Trying looking back to a time before that. The time when you graduated from your PhD program. The time you and Julian lived together in Boston. The day you got married to your life long love. The day James was born. Those are days that make you smile.

Now look ahead. Not the what if ahead. The ahead that you have turned into a year of living. Think of the years ahead with Julian, with James, with your family and friends and with all the possibilities ahead. Your business you have created and the families you help. The run in the park that you will take again with your mum. The picnics in the park that you will have in the Spring. The trip to St. Thomas that you will make where you will board the incredible yacht that bears your name.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that the immediate past, the emotional and tumultuous past is too hard to grasp and make sense of, but the past before the roller coaster and the future when the roller coaster slows down is the time that you can look at and smile because those are the times that are easier to take hold of.

Well, cousin, I am never quite sure if these entries are more for you or me, but there you have it from a girl with no masters of PhD in psychology!

Now to get completely off the subject as my mind just took some complete left turn, Jeff, my fiance, and I will be honeymooning in France-tickets have not been bought so if anyone has a better idea let me know! But does anyone have any suggestions for must see towns or cities. I really want to go to cooking school, but it seems Italy has a far greater bounty of choices than France. We are planning to fly to Paris, spend some time, and then head south to the South of France for a couple of days to stay at a B&B we found about an hour north of Avignon. Any and all recommendations are welcome! We thought Lake Como for a moment, but is May really a good time to visit or will it still be chilly? Sally, Giovanna, Vicki, Chiara--I enlist your sense of adventure on this one!

Love to all,
Alexis