Dear All, Yesterday marked one month since my diagnosis.... it feels like I have had an enternity of a journey so far ,not just four weeks... I guess the saying "Time flies when you're having fun" bears true.... As you all know, I left the intensive care unit a week ago, finally free of my drains and related garden hoses. I still have a torso riddled in stitches... war wounds that may one day become the trendy alternative to a contemporary tatoo? It will feel "freeing" to have those removed later this week. Admittedly, the second round of chemo was a bit=2 0brutal - just 24 hours out of the ICU, I was given the chemo, and my body literally said, "Now what the hell do you think you're doing?!?" Given the heavy pain killers I had been on in the ICU, I was not given much anti-emetic meds, and so I suffered the side effects of vomiting and nausea that I would not wish on anyone. And the aching bones - hard to describe what it is like to not be able to move your body into a position that feels minimally "comfortable". I was miserable for three days, to be honest, but through the dry heaves, and pain, and gritted teeth I still managed to shout "Fight this, you Fucker!". And more foul language followed...... not surprisingly, the nurses did not protest my request to keep my room door closed. Another "event", was the head shaving. Yes, one evening, I had had enough of tufts of hair everywhere to look like an animal with mange, and Julian arrived with a shaver, a razor blade, and a can of Gillette foam.... (also a couple of beers, of which I did not partake, but the poor man was being asked to perform a task that was emotionally hard for us both). If only we had had some G.I. Jane music.... Seriously, I cried a lot - release, sorrow, acceptance, a good bye of tears to the vision of the "old me". Hard for my own sense of health when I look in the mirror, and for James' portrait of "mummy" as he looks at me. But I did it, and voila' - I attach a photo of the "healing me": still as determi ned as ever, and one step closer every day to beating this illness, if I have my say. I walk around wearing a beanie because, as all of you know, if I was one to suffer the cold before, having a head with no hair is FREEZING. Have not bought a wig.... will probably venture down that road at a later date. I'm just adjusting to and accepting the cue ball. Just came back from the hospital and yet again, I am neutropenic - white cell count is below 1%.... but thankfully, they have agreed not to keep me in isolation at the hospital, but have given me more shots (and more to follow tomorrow), and have sent me back to the bubble of my home. I am not to venture anywhere else for a few days. So that is the scoop. I have been more emotional this second chemo round... I guess that the inital "shock" of it all has begun to wear off, I feel I have been through the trenches (The ICU stint did a bit of a number on me) and I have had many moments of anger, frustration, fear and simply sadness. I am 35 and my body does not feel it. So, I have cried, and "let it out", which has been good and necessary. My sister, Julian and my mother provide me with wonderful pep talks in those down times that make me feel blessed for such support in my life. So, the morale, in general, is high. But I am human. I am having trouble sleeping at night, but hopefully that too, shall pass, with time. What else.... I have my sister, her boyfriend, m y husband and mother to thank for a 360 turn around in diet. I am sugar-free, dairy-free, salt-free, red meat-free... they have researched the link between cancer and diet to no end, and it has been an education. My body has been "detoxed" to the full, and I nourish it with goodness after goodness. While treatment has made me drop 10 pounds, I owe every healthy ounce on my body to the organic food, lovingly prepared meals, vitamins, and strict regimen (my sister in particular is not to be messed with!) that I am following. I believe there is much that can be accomplished through taking care of oneself through more than just medicine. And I am fighting this from all angles. One last thing, before I forget. My cousin sweetly has set up a blog for me.... I am embarrassed to say that I have never blogged, nor do I know how it works exactly but I shall learn. I understand that it is about connection, and I am all for that. Here is the link. : http://www.doctordanda.blogspot.com/ I have to go, but I send you all my love, and so much constant gratitude for the support that I feel on a daily basis from you all. It means the world. I attach a couple of more recent pictures of James, because he is my biggest booster of them all and continues to cheer me on all the way. Alessandra
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