Joy.

Dear All,

I was supposed to have my mid-cycle chemo yesterday, but my blood count came back very low, especially my platelets. And when I say low, I mean low. Your platelet count should normally be above 140... mine was 35. Needless to say I should stay away from sharp objects?! So, I met with Dr. Plowman, and we have a new plan. It seems that my blood count is consistently very low mid-cycle - I haven't had a mid-cycle chemo hit in months. My bone marrow is exhausted! Therefore, we are now switching to a fortnightly cycle regimen, instead of three-weekly. Meaning that I get chemo every other week. One week on, one week off. Sounds daunting, but it's doable. I will most likely require a night in hospital each time (due to getting 8 hours of chemo and fluids, followed by very close kidney monitoring as the meds are so toxic) and will feel lousy three to four days after chemo (which I dread), and then it will lift, giving me 10 days of feeling "well" during which time I will get immune boosting shots to help my bone marrow recuperate from the hit. And then we start all over again. So, my next three chemo dates are Wednesdays Nov 25th, Dec 9th and Dec 23rd...disappointing that the new regimen means that I will be in my chemo fog on Christmas Day... but on the flip side, I will be welcoming in 2010 on my "off week", feeling great. And 2010 is my year.

And here's the thing: I feel well. No, let me rephrase, I feel great. For the past few days, I have had this inner sense of well being, have felt full of energy, and have had a huge appetite. My soles and palms are healing. My hair has not fallen out. So, this morning, I went for a run with my mother. Yes, you read that correctly. I went for a RUN! I have not done any exercise for a whole year aside from walking and, at times, even that was gingerly done given my terribly sore feet and weary body. But this morning, we decided "to get some air into those lungs"....

And for 45 minutes, I did that and more. We alternated between power walking and running under the amber trees and autumn skies... I expected to feel my legs heavy, my chest tighten. I expected to feel out of breath easily or to feel the pounding in my head that has often accompanied any physical exertion. Even before getting sick, I was no great runner. But, instead, running this morning felt WONDERFUL. BLISSFUL. My legs carried me, my heart was steady, my lungs felt full and light. At one point, even my mother had a hard time keeping up! And I felt like crying with joy, as I grinned from ear to ear. My body is surprising even me!! It felt easy, it felt liberating, it felt uplifting. I wasn't having to visualise myself taking strong strides, feeling the pavement under my feet, hearing my breaths propel me forward... I was DOING it! Take that, you cancer f#$*er! 16 rounds of chemo under my belt and I am RUNNING! Lance, watch me go!

My mother and I reached my front door and just hugged and hugged and hugged. Both giddy from the happiness that comes from appreciating something so little that, for me, felt so very very big.

Hugs to all.