Peace in the Storm.

Dear All,

The winds are howling away outside, with buckets of rain pouring sheets of water down our window panes. A truly blustery day that has dictated a cosy afternoon indoors. A truly blustery day that stands in contrast to how I feel inside...

The side effects from this latest round of chemo were less brutal than I had imagined. After 8 hours of treatment, combining three IV meds and bags of fluids, I spent the night in hospital, with my kidney function being monitored closely. I was discharged the next day, and then laid low at home. Awful nausea and periods of the dreaded "chemo coat", but not intense and no vomiting. The need to curl up into a ball on the sofa, but not to hibernate for days. Some crying, but no sobbing. And slowly, that deep rooted malaise began to shift, and my body began to bounce back on its feet, bruised from the "hit", but far from battered. My palms and soles are better, now that I no longer am on the oral regimen, and it has done wonders to my sense of mobility. My skin remains a mess, sore and peeling, but I see the initial signs of healing. I will receive another chemo hit on Wednesday, the "mid-cycle" dose, which will entail another overnight hospital stay, and more monitoring for this cumulative toxicity which courses through me. And so goes the new "routine" of mine. Two weeks on, one week off, and then we start the next cycle. And all the while, I live my life, as normally as I can.

I want to share that I had a moment of "peace" yesterday. I know it sounds odd, and I do not mean to sound dramatic either, but literally, in the middle of my day, I had a few minutes when I felt a true inner calm. A shift of sorts, however momentary. A feeling that I will be okay. There was none of the underlying worry that, subtle as it might be on "good days", is always with me. There was no fear, in that instance. There was a sweet feeling of relief. Even though short-lived in its "purity", it was a wonderful moment in my day. And for that, I was grateful. I cannot begin to put into words how distant it feels to be in that place where your wish to live does not pervade your thoughts... I will get there, one day. But in the meantime, yesterday, I was given the unexpected "gift" of a moment of true peace amidst this storm of mine. And I treasured it.

James gives me "nose kisses", and giggles while he holds my face in his hands. There is such joy in our bond. It quietens the storm around me. And I am cosy. And safe.

Hugs to all.