Cuddles.

Dear All,

One of those days when I have needed cuddles. My feet and hands are on fire, absolute fire. I don't know why I have had such a strong reaction to chemo this cycle, for the symptoms have not been this bad since the first cycle of this new regime. My skin is so inflamed and sensitive and peeling, and I am reduced to hobbling around and to trying not to close my fists too tightly. Every crease is cracked, and it looks like my soles and palms are made out of a strange leather. I am told that the IV chemo I am on does a number on your nerve endings... my nerves are certainly alive! The soreness woke me up in the middle of the night, and I struggled to fall back to sleep. You think you'd get used to a certain type of pain, but then wham! it creeps up on you, and there is little you can do. You simply have to wait it out. This too shall pass, I tell myself, but I still needed Julian and James' cuddles all the more, as my morale took a bruising.

I met with Plowman yesterday, and my scans are scheduled for the 23rd (good karma, I hope, as it is my dearest friend Eve's and cousin Giovanna's birthdays), and I will meet to discuss the results the afternoon of the 25th. As I heard the nurses call down to Radiology and Nuclear Medicine to book my CT and Bone scans, I got emotional. Just the thought of those tests filled me with such mixed feelings. Hope, because deep down I believe that I will hear more good news. Fear, because I am still fighting and this battle is still not won. Anger, because I want the cancer to get the hell out of my life. Anxiety, because the unknown is so hard to prepare for. Sadness, because this marathon can be so physically and emotionally draining... My mother was with me at the hospital while I was having chemo and the scans were being planned, and her presence and hand holding was the kind of cuddle that only a mother can give.

James took his first steps today! He now takes four steps on his own and then promptly shuts his eyes, bracing himself for a fall. So cute! It is a matter of days before I will see my son sprinting down the street! But in the meantime, I catch his fall, and hold him close, and keep him safe. And cuddle.

Hugs to all.