Dear All, Finally at my computer, having decided to simply make the time to write despite the nagging of the many other things on my "To Do" list. I always feel that I am lagging behind, that I never seem to catch up... and then I realise that it is up to me to choose what matters that day... and I have learned that I need to allow myself more periods of doing what I want to do, rather than what I should do. So, I choose the blog!
James' birthday was a very happy occasion. My parents, Chiara and Anthony, and Julian's brother Charles and Charles' girlfriend Maria Rosaria joined Julian and I and James for tea and birthday cake out on our little patio. James was spoiled with toys and clothes and attention, and loved every minute of it. Wasn't sure on the texture of sponge cake, but enjoyed the decorative raspberries hand picked by his Daddy from the Sevenoaks garden. I still find it so hard to believe that he is a year old!
Having crossed that "one year" mark, it seems like everything has taken off at full speed. James seems to grow in height by the minute. He crawls all over the place, and practically sprints if you give him a hand to hold! Everything is motion - touching, walking, stacking, pressing, clapping, tapping, reaching, standing.... Playing hide and seek is his new highlight! Bedtime has taken on a new flavour as he now pulls himself right up when you try to lie him down for the night, and proceeds to bounce up and down with the cheeriest of grins as he peeks over the top of his cot with the unspoken invite of, "Sleep? Are you kidding? When you can dance instead?! Come on - join me!!" We hear squeals from his bedroom as he battles sleepiness, until finally succumbing to droopy eyelids, and to laying his head down on his treasured tag blanket that my friend Mary lovingly made for him when he was born. That and his trusted sheep cuddly toy, and he is finally out for the night.
For the two days preceeding James' birthday, James, Julian and I spent two lovely days in Sevenoaks with Julian's family. It was nice to see them all and to get out to the countryside, and we were out in the garden for a lot of the time and went to the nearby park. James, like his father, is definitely in his element when he is outdoors. Flowers, trees, bugs, birds... my diddums talked up a storm in his excitement of the sights and smells and sounds. Max the dog was the usual hit and, without fail, brought curiosity and excitement to James' face. One of the highlights of my two days there? Snuggling one morning. Having had a bad night's sleep, I decided to join James for his morning nap. Instead of putting him in his travel cot, we lay together on my bed. We listened to "Twilight" by Ed Van Fleet (a lovely compostion combining piano music and sounds of nature - very peaceful), and James snuggled - stroking my face gently, holding my hand, giving soft little sighs, and cuddling into me. We both fell soundly asleep. I woke up two hours later to the sound of James stirring next to me and to his touch - his sleepy big blue eyes were looking at me, he was smiling, and again, gently stroking my face. While I often wake up with a sense of sadness as the reality of my illness sinks into my consciousness, this time all I felt was overwhelming happiness. And love, love, love.
Julian and I spent three wonderful days in West Sussex, by the town of Chichester. We drove down last Wednesday, through the beautiful countryside of rolling green hills, fields of harvested wheat and bales of hay, sheep and cattle grazing, cottages and barns. I often turned to Julian saying that it reminded me of Maine in its forests and quaintness. That afternoon, we took a walk along West Wittering beach, a wide expanse of sand and sea. The tide was out and children were playing in pools of water that formed in between the sand banks the scattered across the shore. James would have loved it, and we vowed to bring him there someday soon. I took deep breaths of the ocean air and let the sun kiss my face, and invited nature to fill me with health. The dunes and grass and blue sky and cool breeze made me think of the Cape, and brought back so many lovely memories spent with dear friends. Late afternoon, Julian and I checked into our bed and breakfast inn - Landseer House, on Cow Lane (don't you love it?), which was beautiful and cosy and welcoming. Our views of the garden and the fields (see photos) was calming on the soul. Dinner at the Crab & Lobster, where we sat outside on a patio decorated with olive trees, with views of more pastures and wetlands. Thursday was spent looking at old Roman mosaics at a local archaeological dig in the morning, having lunch at a lovely quay, and stealing an afternoon nap. We then explored the town of Chichester - there we saw the Cathedral and stumbled across a game of cricket in a local park, which was fun to watch as Julian explained the ins and out of the game. We visited the marina for an early evening walk and drink, and then had dinner at the Walnut Tree, a countryside pub full of character. Friday morning we set off slowly back to London, passing through the market town of Petworth (full of antique shops and cobbled streets) and the Goodwood estate where I picked up a bag full of local organic delicacies. The drive through the countryside was again beautiful. I am definitely not a city girl. It was wonderful to "be" in the heart of nature, and I know that I need more of it.
We arrived back in London mid afternoon, Julian and I itching to see James. We were greeted with his big smiles, sloppy kisses and squeals. He held my face in his hands, and I was "home". You know, while Julian and I were glad to have gone away and needed the trip in more ways than one, we realised how hard it was to be away from James. We spoke about him continuously, wondered about him all the time, and planned the many things we would want to show him and do with him. We missed him terribly. Parenthood connects you in such wonderfully powerful ways, that life just doesn't feel "complete" without your child there. I adore that bond.
I have to admit that while the trip was wonderful, I found it hard to control the "thinking" as I had "down time" on my hands. In my routine at home, I seem to have more distraction as I feel that I am constantly busy, so there is less time to dwell on "what is" and "what ifs". Also, at home, the fact that my life is not "normal" is a given for the time being - it's accepted, it is what it is. Being away, I struggled with doing the "normal things" of being on holiday, while feeling that I was being reminded how I was still far from back to normal. Eating out was challenging because of my dietary restrictions, and I remained tied to chemo pill taking schedules. And my low energy level and stamina confined how much I could do. A pain, a twinge, would interrupt a moment and return me to my body, instead of leaving me in peace to enjoy the scene at hand. I share this only because I am often asked "how I am really doing", and so I am honest in my descriptions of my experience. But don't get me wrong, between those moments where sadness would creep in and then take flight again, were hundreds of great moments, and I would do the trip again in a heartbeat. Actually, there was a lot of humour too, and a lot of laughs. And in that vein, I have included a photo below of a sign I loved, by the organic farm I visited. I also loved a sign I saw posted on the door of a garage at the side of a country road, warning people not to park in front and block the door. It simply said, "THINK".
Lastly, my health. My mid-cycle IV chemo was skipped on Monday due to my immune system being low again. So, I stick with the oral chemo pills, and will see next week how many immune boosting shots I will need, before Cycle #6 on September 7th. I am feeling well, despite the low counts. My weight is steady, my hair keeps growing, and I continue to feel strong. I have started to take my morning walks with James again, as my foot, while still bandaged, is finally healing. I now have come to tolerate the burnt hands and feet better, now more of a nuisance than a hindrance in my life. I am still fighting 100%, and my eye is never off the mark of beating this f%*?ker hands down. I can do this, I will do this. I am "being". Watch this space.
Hugs to all.
For the two days preceeding James' birthday, James, Julian and I spent two lovely days in Sevenoaks with Julian's family. It was nice to see them all and to get out to the countryside, and we were out in the garden for a lot of the time and went to the nearby park. James, like his father, is definitely in his element when he is outdoors. Flowers, trees, bugs, birds... my diddums talked up a storm in his excitement of the sights and smells and sounds. Max the dog was the usual hit and, without fail, brought curiosity and excitement to James' face. One of the highlights of my two days there? Snuggling one morning. Having had a bad night's sleep, I decided to join James for his morning nap. Instead of putting him in his travel cot, we lay together on my bed. We listened to "Twilight" by Ed Van Fleet (a lovely compostion combining piano music and sounds of nature - very peaceful), and James snuggled - stroking my face gently, holding my hand, giving soft little sighs, and cuddling into me. We both fell soundly asleep. I woke up two hours later to the sound of James stirring next to me and to his touch - his sleepy big blue eyes were looking at me, he was smiling, and again, gently stroking my face. While I often wake up with a sense of sadness as the reality of my illness sinks into my consciousness, this time all I felt was overwhelming happiness. And love, love, love.
Julian and I spent three wonderful days in West Sussex, by the town of Chichester. We drove down last Wednesday, through the beautiful countryside of rolling green hills, fields of harvested wheat and bales of hay, sheep and cattle grazing, cottages and barns. I often turned to Julian saying that it reminded me of Maine in its forests and quaintness. That afternoon, we took a walk along West Wittering beach, a wide expanse of sand and sea. The tide was out and children were playing in pools of water that formed in between the sand banks the scattered across the shore. James would have loved it, and we vowed to bring him there someday soon. I took deep breaths of the ocean air and let the sun kiss my face, and invited nature to fill me with health. The dunes and grass and blue sky and cool breeze made me think of the Cape, and brought back so many lovely memories spent with dear friends. Late afternoon, Julian and I checked into our bed and breakfast inn - Landseer House, on Cow Lane (don't you love it?), which was beautiful and cosy and welcoming. Our views of the garden and the fields (see photos) was calming on the soul. Dinner at the Crab & Lobster, where we sat outside on a patio decorated with olive trees, with views of more pastures and wetlands. Thursday was spent looking at old Roman mosaics at a local archaeological dig in the morning, having lunch at a lovely quay, and stealing an afternoon nap. We then explored the town of Chichester - there we saw the Cathedral and stumbled across a game of cricket in a local park, which was fun to watch as Julian explained the ins and out of the game. We visited the marina for an early evening walk and drink, and then had dinner at the Walnut Tree, a countryside pub full of character. Friday morning we set off slowly back to London, passing through the market town of Petworth (full of antique shops and cobbled streets) and the Goodwood estate where I picked up a bag full of local organic delicacies. The drive through the countryside was again beautiful. I am definitely not a city girl. It was wonderful to "be" in the heart of nature, and I know that I need more of it.
We arrived back in London mid afternoon, Julian and I itching to see James. We were greeted with his big smiles, sloppy kisses and squeals. He held my face in his hands, and I was "home". You know, while Julian and I were glad to have gone away and needed the trip in more ways than one, we realised how hard it was to be away from James. We spoke about him continuously, wondered about him all the time, and planned the many things we would want to show him and do with him. We missed him terribly. Parenthood connects you in such wonderfully powerful ways, that life just doesn't feel "complete" without your child there. I adore that bond.
I have to admit that while the trip was wonderful, I found it hard to control the "thinking" as I had "down time" on my hands. In my routine at home, I seem to have more distraction as I feel that I am constantly busy, so there is less time to dwell on "what is" and "what ifs". Also, at home, the fact that my life is not "normal" is a given for the time being - it's accepted, it is what it is. Being away, I struggled with doing the "normal things" of being on holiday, while feeling that I was being reminded how I was still far from back to normal. Eating out was challenging because of my dietary restrictions, and I remained tied to chemo pill taking schedules. And my low energy level and stamina confined how much I could do. A pain, a twinge, would interrupt a moment and return me to my body, instead of leaving me in peace to enjoy the scene at hand. I share this only because I am often asked "how I am really doing", and so I am honest in my descriptions of my experience. But don't get me wrong, between those moments where sadness would creep in and then take flight again, were hundreds of great moments, and I would do the trip again in a heartbeat. Actually, there was a lot of humour too, and a lot of laughs. And in that vein, I have included a photo below of a sign I loved, by the organic farm I visited. I also loved a sign I saw posted on the door of a garage at the side of a country road, warning people not to park in front and block the door. It simply said, "THINK".
Lastly, my health. My mid-cycle IV chemo was skipped on Monday due to my immune system being low again. So, I stick with the oral chemo pills, and will see next week how many immune boosting shots I will need, before Cycle #6 on September 7th. I am feeling well, despite the low counts. My weight is steady, my hair keeps growing, and I continue to feel strong. I have started to take my morning walks with James again, as my foot, while still bandaged, is finally healing. I now have come to tolerate the burnt hands and feet better, now more of a nuisance than a hindrance in my life. I am still fighting 100%, and my eye is never off the mark of beating this f%*?ker hands down. I can do this, I will do this. I am "being". Watch this space.Hugs to all.
Hi! Nice to see you had a good time! The photos are wonderful (your boy is so handsome!), thanks for posting them. For James's birthday you had a lovely party! I loved seeing all of you in the photos. That's your backyard, right? Looks a cozy and very relaxing corner. Glad to hear that your trip was relaxing as well. The Chichester garden wonderful! I love that photo with the pond and the green grass with the yellow flowers! A big hug.
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