Dear All, I am sitting here with my cup of green tea - if only I were able to read tea leaves, I wonder what mine would read? I envision that "fight the f*#ker" and "hang on in there" would be in there somewhere... The past week has been its usual collection of highs and lows.
Emotionally, I continue to struggle, fear being what challenges me in frequent, scattered moments of my day. Chiara sent me a quote by Mark Twain this morning, that reads, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." I am working hard on the resistance and mastery, but it is yet a work in progress. A thought, a statement, an image... so many things can bring on a wave of anxiety that I cannot describe in words. At times I fight the wave, at others I accept it and wait for it to pass. I tell myself that while my fear is real, what I fear need not be my reality. Easier said than done, but then, as I said, it is a work in progress. I have tried mild anti-anxiety meds but the drowsiness and heaviness they make me feel is worse than the stress - I associate the feeling "depleted" with being "sick", and so the meds don't help my psyche. I will revisit this with Dr. Plowman in a couple of weeks.
Most therapeutic have been Chiara's daily pep talks - she has changed her work schedule to leave the office at 4pm every day, so she can come by and see me and "do whatever we need to do" (how wonderful is that?)... talk, go for a walk, visualise, do an activity... so far, the poor girl has had to cope with me in tears most times, but she is so good at listening and reframing and refocusing me. Talk about who should have been the one with a PhD in Psychology... she deserves an honorary degree. In my quest to be active in helping my mindset, Chiara, my mother and I are signed up for a day of meditation, Qi Gong, and healing this coming Sunday, and next Friday we are going to a workshop at the Haven on visualisation, both days led by reknown professionals. I affirm "I am in recovery" a hundred times a day, and Joe's mantra (together with several others) are constant scripts in my head. I dream of future scenarios (thank you Lindsay!). I have joined Lance Armstrong's Foundation ("Livestrong") and plan to get involved in some way. Nurturing my mind as much as my body has become paramount for me.
Most therapeutic have been Chiara's daily pep talks - she has changed her work schedule to leave the office at 4pm every day, so she can come by and see me and "do whatever we need to do" (how wonderful is that?)... talk, go for a walk, visualise, do an activity... so far, the poor girl has had to cope with me in tears most times, but she is so good at listening and reframing and refocusing me. Talk about who should have been the one with a PhD in Psychology... she deserves an honorary degree. In my quest to be active in helping my mindset, Chiara, my mother and I are signed up for a day of meditation, Qi Gong, and healing this coming Sunday, and next Friday we are going to a workshop at the Haven on visualisation, both days led by reknown professionals. I affirm "I am in recovery" a hundred times a day, and Joe's mantra (together with several others) are constant scripts in my head. I dream of future scenarios (thank you Lindsay!). I have joined Lance Armstrong's Foundation ("Livestrong") and plan to get involved in some way. Nurturing my mind as much as my body has become paramount for me.
Physically, I am doing okay. The chemo tablets make me feel very tired and kill my appetite, but I have not had any of the nausea that my other treatment burdened me with. I have a hard time walking at a decent pace sometimes - I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I get a strong headache, so I walk at a snail's pace and have to stop for breath, making me feel "old". I have lost weight (due in part to stress I am sure), so I am trying to bulk myself up again. Keeping my immune system as supported as possible is key for me. The good news is that my lymph node has shrunk considerably, and this is after only having had one new chemo cycle without even the mid-cycle second dose of IV chemo... I try not to obsess, but it is such a huge deal for me as it suggests that things are shifting. Every positive change is such a huge deal. My breast tumors continue to soften. My body is fighting this cancer, and it is fighting it hard. It can do this. It is doing this!
And in combining my focus on the emotional and the physical, I took the decision to take on some cases this month. Families have been amazing in their conversations with me, in their expressing a wish for us to work together, in their waiting to see me no matter how long the wait, in their understanding and flexibility for my situation. I did an intake yesterday, just an intake, and it was good for me, a taste of normality. Admittedly, it was hard to experience feeling "worn out" by the two-hour exchange, when I was used to a 10 hour day of clinical work. And there were moments when I became distracted by a pain in my chest or one of my many fleeting "cancer" thoughts. But overall, the return to a little bit of clinical work felt like yet another testament that the cancer can't stop me - while the rider in the saddle was more tired, weaker, and more weathered, damn it I was back in the saddle and still able to ride pretty well.
So, I am still striving to balance the emotional and the physical, to learn what "feels good" to me and for me, to accept a new normality and to fight for a reality of my choosing. However, my James reminds me every day that sometimes you just have to try to chill out (see photo), when it all feels like too much. And then you keep going.
Heartfelt hugs to all you blog writers and readers (my treasured troops!), and a particular thank you to Lisa Vasallo, Lisa Hilley, Jessica, Karen, Katherine, Eve, Mary, Rachel, Jane and Neva for your many wonderful emails and voicemails over the past few days.
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