Letting Go and Resting.

Dear All,

The skies outside my window are looking ominously grey... we've had several days of warm and humid weather, so a rain shower is in order. Chiara is camping out in Wimbledon's park for the day and overnight, in line for tickets to see some good tennis tomorrow. Luckily, she and Anthony have brought a tent with them and, per her last cell phone call, they have settled nicely into the spirit of the crowd who have similarly flocked to participate in British sporting tradition. These are hard core fans, who patiently wait for hours on end and enjoy the atmosphere of doing so, in order to be rewarded with tickets in hand tomorrow morning. I so wish I was healthy enough to join them, but that shall have to wait until next year. Wimbledon 2010, I will be there.

This weekend has certainly been "different" for me, in that James went down to Sevenoaks yesterday with Julian for an overnight stay. Orchestrated so as to give James time with his Murdoch grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, and to give him exclusive "Daddy" time with Julian, it had also been arranged to give me a chance to get some rest, and focus on "me". Admittedly, I have missed my boys so much! There I was, packing everything up for them, and all of a sudden having such a hard time letting James go. "It's just one night, for goodness sake!" I told myself, appalled at how completely clingy I was. I then realised that I had never been separated from James for a night except for when I was in hospital - being apart from him has always been associated with my being unwell, so it just felt so strange to imagine choosing to be apart... oh, clingy mother that I am.... it was all about me. In fact, James was a bundle of excitement that morning, aware that there was something "fun" happening, and that he was going to be part of that "fun". So, he and Daddy set off, loaded up with food, clothes, nappies and toys, on their "boys' adventure" to Kent. Julian has sweetly called me throughout, touching base to let me know that all is well. Actually, that is an understatement: all is more than well! I have heard James in the background squealing with laughter, I have heard stories of his romps in the garden as Julian shares with him the wonders of flowers and plants, I have been told of his play time with his cousins and his delight with getting to know Max the dog, I have been told that he has been introduced to even more foods that he drools over - marmite, apricots - (this child simply loves to eat!), I have learned that he slept 12 hours last night loving the fresh country air of the open bedroom window... my son has had a blast! I attach a photo of him on the swings. I can "hear" Julian's smile over the phone as he fills me in on their latest activity, and I just love the image of father and son together, en famille, enjoying their weekend away. But let's be honest, I remain clingy, and super excited to have them back this evening! I adore my boys.

So yes, I have "let go" of my munchkin for a moment, and have turned to trying to rest. I have slept in this morning, and have taken naps. I have focused on just "being". No computer until now, no calls. I have put aside the "I must do..." list and the "I should do..." list (both of which are endless), and simply tried to give myself permission to sit and do whatever the moment brings, in the knowledge that others will understand my need to do so. My feet are a lot better, but still sore and swollen, so I have not walked much, trying to have them heal as best as possible. I feel very fatigued, even after seeking "down time", so again I am reminded that I am in the thick of treatment, and that I must be gentle on myself and taper my expectations of all the "doing". It is my goal to try to build-up my strength in preparation for the next round, for I begin cycle #3 of chemo on Thursday, where I get the triple whammy of two different chemos (Oral & IV) plus the third anti-angiogenesis IV medication. Another full day in hospital, another round of battling this disease in full force. My weight is proving harder to maintain, but I keep at it as best as I can, forcing myself to eat as much as I can stomach, although zero appetite and multiple mouth ulcers don't make it easy.

And so it goes, as they say, one week at a time. I am learning to "let go" and to rest, while all the time never ceasing to appreciate all the fighting that both my body and mind are doing 24/7. Because, on the latter front, I refuse to stop, even for a second.

Hugs to all.