Love and health.

Dear All,

I have spent the past week doing cases at work. It continues to be good for the mind, although I am glad that next week will be my last set of appointments until the end of the summer, as my body has been tired. There is such adrenaline in doing parent feedbacks (especially the challenging ones I have had of late) and I play the mind game of wondering whether that is good for me or not. I trust that a "jolt" of adrenaline is a good boost to my lethargic system, but I also realise (and look forward to) focusing more on having my body experience peace and calm in the summer weeks ahead. While work is an attempt at "normalcy", it does not feel "normal" to become so easily fatigued by so little, so it can both lift my spirits and sadden me to be back in the office in this capacity. It's an ongoing adjustment, an ongoing learning lesson, an ongoing reflection on life style choices and changes.

I have to say, that my perspective on life and what is important to worry about or not, continues to shape itself into an increasingly simple stance. It centers more and more on the importance of health and love and family and friends, on actively prioritising what really matters, on allowing oneself to put "me" first and feel okay about it, on appreciating that most things have a solution, and on recognising that living life feeling that one is battling stress and pressure is not a virtue but a fault. There are things that I cannot control and which give me an angst that I must seek to manage, but there are many things that are in my control. I don't get worked up about the little things any more - it's just not worth it. One day, when (not if) I am blessed with the peace of mind of being healthy again, I know that this marathon of mine will have shaped my life to be all that more full, colourful and appreciative. I would not wish this journey on anyone, but I hope that everyone takes from my experience a pause to really think about what matters and to treasure "peace of mind". Because, when it all boils down, much of what we typically complain and stress about is really so misplaced and unimportant in the big picture of things.

My health continues to hold up well. I now force myself to no longer obsessively check the size of the tumours that can be felt... but when I do, I smile, as things keep getting smaller. I deeply dread the scans that I will have in a month, while another part of me welcomes the opportunity to tangibly confirm, "See, I am beating this f*?ker!" I start cycle three of this chemo regimen on July 2nd, and I continue to fight this fight and run this marathon with all my being, one step at a time.

The downer of the past few days is that I have developed one of the known possible side effects of my oral chemo, called "hand & foot syndrome". The soles of my feet are red and extremely sensitive to the touch, and it is very painful to walk, as it feels like my soles are one large blister. So when I stand and put my body weight on them, much less push on them to move forward, it kills. I walk like I am an old lady - tentative, tiny steps. As for my hands, my finger tips are red and swollen, as if I had burned them on the stove. I have creams and pills to try to manage these symptoms, but we may have to revisit the chemo dose I am on if they continue to be this bad. I would take pain over nausea any day, so I can handle this. And if this is what it takes to make me better, well then bring it on, I can do it.

My appetite continues to be poor, but I force myself to eat and try to get as many nutrients as possible through fluids. For all you juicers, my latest favourite combo is: broccoli florets, cauliflower florets, couple of carrots, one apple, 1/4 lime, half a red pepper, and a large slice of ginger. Sounds disgusting, but it is actually great. Also, I braved wheatgrass yesterday (it tastes and smells so strong, NOT my favourite!), and made a great juice combining pineapple, fresh mint, wheatgrass, 1/4 lime, and ginger. I truly believe that you are what you put in your body, and I have witnessed first hand how good nutrition really determines what toxins you walk around with. Maybe too personal a disclosure, but what the hell, I find it to be a perfect example: I have always been a big believer in deodorant - there should be no excuse for body odour! Well, once diagnosed, my sister immediately dictated that I should stop using ANYTHING that had chemicals in it - shampoo, toothpaste, creams etc. - all had to be organic. And deodorant was a no-no, especially given my lymph node tumors under my arm pit. The latter horrified me: I was sick and I would now stink too?! The first week was rough, but by week two, and ever since, I have not had any B.O. whatseover. Absolutely nada. My body was no longer releasing toxins, as what I was putting in it and on it was natural, and 100% healthy. It is quite extraordinary to me to think that my radical change in pursuing a very healthy diet could manifest itself so unequivocally clearly in helping me stay and be "clean" and "well".

On a different note, the meditation workshop that was supposed to be hosted this weekend has been cancelled, which is disappointing, but I am searching for other venues where I can pursue guided "quiet time". I still practice my visualisations and seek "stillness" when and where I can. One of the things that I battle with is the balance between being a good mother by looking after James as much as possible, and being a good mother by looking after myself as much as possible. I often feel guilty that I am not doing enough for him, that I don't have the energy that I should to care for him more, that I don't have the freedom to take him to play dates and activities because of my immune system restrictions. I know it is silly, as James has so much attention, love and stimulation in his day from all of the wonderful people that surround me and help me care for him. And the last thing he needs is to be smothered by me! But deep down, I still wish that I could do more and be more. I watch mothers and their children in the park, or down the street, and I long for the day when I will have the vitality that I see them have, when the "me" will be whole again. So, I seek quiet and stillness when I can, while hoping that James knows, at some unconscious level, that I am taking that time out from being with him so as to make his mama strong and well.

On that note, I attach a couple of pictures of my little munchkin. These were taken on Sunday morning, while he played on my bed with me and my sister Chiara. She nicknamed him as an infant to be "Rocket Man", as when you lift him up in the air, he sticks his legs straight out, and looks like a rocket. He loves the game, and I love the expression on his face as he "flies".

Love and health. That's what life is about. That's what this marathon of mine is all about.