Joy is James, James is Joy

Dear All,

So lovely to be welcomed by blog entries this morning. It has been one of the quietest stretches on the blog for a while, my silence stemming from a tough week emotionally. Yet I smiled in the hope that your silence was because you were probably all out and about, away from desks and computers, enjoying what the summer has to offer. As it should be! :-)

The last week had the makings of a pretty "blah" week for me - one of those where you feel low, but can't put your finger on why exactly you feel more down than usual. Chemo? Low immune system? Frustration? Fear? Sore body? Upcoming scans? All or none of the above? I have struggled with the ongoing issue of having to redefine "normal life", for I resist the new normalcy as it feels burdened and heavy, and I long for the lightness associated with summer and not having to think about my health. Admittedly, it has been a week of my bigger meltdowns - the need to just sit and cry it out, in frustration, in sadness, in tiredness, in longing. Sometimes, you just need to vent and have a good weep. I was asked what my plans were for the weekend, and the thought that first came to mind was, "I plan to fight, like I do everyday. I find it hard to plan beyond that..." In fact, the thought of orchestrating an excursion can make me incredibly anxious - I don't know why. I should want to "escape", to "get away", to seek "distraction"... but I find that the idea of being too far from home makes me agitated. It's as if I need the comfort of my routine, my things, my proximity to the hospital to feel "okay" at the moment. I guess that I also worry that I won't have the energy to carry the day out in the way that I envision. And yet I so badly wish I could take a vacation, that I could enjoy a "break" from all of this. I am a walking bundle of contradictions! But, as has been the case before in this journey of mine, the mood eventually lifted, dissipated, and enabled me to say, "Enough, Danda", and believe it. And so, I thought of plans - to take trips to see friends and family, to visit my 101 year old grandmother, to ride under the sails of the Alessandra, to see my dear cousin get married.... to heal, to recover, and to celebrate life. I plan for the future. And I learn to accept the present, and to live the day.

So, having survived a 5 day pity-party of my making (where the menu was tears, tears, and more tears and I was the only one in attendance), I spent the weekend refocussing on all of the joy in my life. And center stage, was James. I have attached recent photos of my munchkin - some taken in the park, where we played and had a lovely time, others taken on Sunday morning, when I was feeling particularly poorly physically, and James joined me for cuddles in bed. And the brief video is a snapshot of what never fails to make me smile - James' giggles. The new firetruck that Julian gave him is the source of endless fun, as you can see. Oh, by the way, James' first word is officially "duck", which I grin at given that it was my first word as a baby... he may look like Julian, but he's my boy! :-) I just adore him.

So, these are the images that are giving me strength as I prepare for my scans this Thursday, and my meeting with Dr. Plowman on Friday. I know that the news will have good parts, as I have seen and felt first hand the improvements. I am just hoping that there will be many good parts - that my liver has followed suit, and will similarly reflect the cancer once again in retreat. I want another "That's amazing!" from Dr. Plowman - why not aim high, I ask myself? My body continues to feel strong, aside from my feet and fingers that have once again become very sore and bright red and tender, freckled by my chemo burns. But heck, 95% of your body is healthy, I tell myself, don't ever forget that Danda.

It is time for a juice, as the fight goes on for yet another week. Brace yourself, Dr. Plowman, here I come. Hugs to all.