Dear All,I was supposed to spend the entire day in hospital, needled and hooked up to IV's and drugs... but I got a call yesterday, and was told that my immune system was far too low to proceed with chemo (white cell count was 0.82, and it needs to at least be above 3 in order to avoid complications from chemo,... FYI, "healthy" people typically have a score above 6 or 7...). So, my chemo has had to be postponed until Monday, and in the interim I have to once again get daily bone marrow boosting shots, with the goal of helping my immune system recuperate. While the words "delay" and "postpone" made me instinctively nervous, I have come to accept that this journey has to take its own course, and that unpredictability and a change in course are not necessarily a bad thing.
So, with the knowledge that I would not be spending the day in hospital after all, I woke up this morning determined to turn what was originally scheduled to be an awful day into a "GREAT day"....I got out of bed to the sound of clapping and babbling coming from James' room, and I was greeted with the biggest of smiles and sloppy kisses as I picked him up and held him. And that made me feel great. He gobbled his breakfast and then proceeded to want to share in my cinnamon toast, while simultaneously giggling as he sat on my lap and we played. And that made me feel great. Julian got up a little later and was greeted with squeals from his son and tight cuddles, which was so tender to see. And that made me feel great. We then said goodbye to my parents who headed back to Madrid this morning and, holding James in my arms, I focussed on the fact of how lucky I am to have their close support and that they would be back soon. And that made me feel great. With Julian off to work, I spent the morning accomplishing a lot of little things that had been "hanging" and that needed to be done, while still stealing moments with James as rewards for my diligence. I tied up a lot of loose ends, and that made me feel great. I then headed to the park with James and Kelly, and spent time with them in the sand pit and on the swings, loving the wonder and curiosity with which James takes the world in, and feeling proud that he offered to share his rake and spade with a little girl (even if only for 30 seconds, after which he promptly - and firmly - reached for it back!). And that made me feel great. I left Kelly and James to take a walk on my own, where I found a quiet spot in a little field of the park, laid down my blanket and, with eyes closed and wig off, I lay listening to a guided meditation piece by John Kabat-Zinn for an hour. I am terrible at meditating, but I am trying hard and know it is a quest of patience, so I gave it my best... I fell asleep (ehm!), and woke up as the piece ended, feeling rested and relaxed (although maybe not as "aware" as I should have been!). And that made me feel great. I stayed there, under the shade of an oak tree, and ate my lunch quietly while reading a book ("Eat, Love, Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert - a fun and thought provoking read which I recommend), wig still off, bare feet on the grass, sun on my face. And that made me feel great. I strolled home, picking up a little pot of yellow orchids to give to my nanny to put in the bedroom of her new flat, as she prepares for the arrival of her baby in a month - I bought it "just because" I felt like it, and that made me feel great. I got home and made myself a carrot, apple, mint and lime fresh juice, and sipped it slowly, loving the fact that it was healthy and delicious. And that made me feel great. James got back from the park a little after me, and he was rosy cheeked and sandy and sleepy, and we snuggled as I settled him down for an afternoon nap. And that made me feel great. Chiara called me, on her way out of the office, and we met in the park, for a sisterly chat and to enjoy the sights that are inherent to a peaceful, sunny afternoon. And that made me feel great. Homebound to spend time with James and Julian, yet another fresh vegetable juice made, James tucked in bed sleeping peacefully, healthy dinner cooked, news that my parents have arrived safely in Madrid, and soon time for bed. And that has made me feel great.
While I know that days like these are not necessarily a reality of normal life (few have the "luxury" of living the day "indulging" on what one needs rather than what one should/has to do), the essence of the day can become my reality. The change in plans offered me the opportunity to seek the positive and make the day great. To appreciate the great that is in my life (love, family, being able to get out of bed in the morning....), the good that comes from valuing health first and what it means to truly want to be healthy, and the peace inherent to making time for "me". It can be tangible, for anyone. Even if to a lesser or greater degree, it is possible. It becomes a choice, where excuses pale.
But let's interject some darker pieces to all this, so that it doesn't sound too unreasonably pink and fluffy... my feet are better, but still a bit sore, so while others walked around in cool flip flops on this hot day, I waddled in sneakers with big cushioned soles... my tongue has a huge, awful ulcer from treatment which is simply not healing due to my low immune system, no matter what remedy I seem to apply, so eating is absolute torture... I am still fatigued by doing so little and my chest was sore today... I am struggling with yet another chemo side effect of a constantly runny nose which has me using Kleenex like it's going out of fashion... I had many thoughts today about negative "what if's", which I systematically, in my daily effort, pushed aside... I wished a hundred times that I did not have cancer in my life, and each time I wished to live....
But it still has been a great day, because it could have been a whole lot worse. I attach a couple of recent photos of James. As you can see in one of the pics, I call him my choir boy as he loves to sing (opera, I might add)... and today has been worth singing about.
Hugs to all.
No comments:
Post a Comment