Beneath the Battle are Blessings.

Dear All,

I have just come back from having day surgery on my foot. Had a mole removed that has been looking increasingly ominous, and five stitches later, I am here hobbling around. The doctor warned me that the local anaesthetic would be painful on that area, but I joked back that I has been prodded and poked so many times over the past 7 months, that needles and I were now joined at the hip, so go right ahead.... but my God, it was horrendous!! He apologised, saying "I warned you!", as I tried to catch my breath and not to let out a string of expletives... Honestly, as I lay there on the table, hearing him say, "Scalpel please", I asked myself what the hell had happened to me this year - how had my body taken this dramatic turn from healthy to poorly? Does one ever get to the point when one becomes numb to all the procedures, doctors, needles, medications? I think not. I think you just become more "aware" - about life, about health, about being grateful for the simplest of things. A sensitivity that can easily bring you to tears when it all feels like "too much", and that can also bring you such happiness as you appreciate living at a whole different level. Health will be mine again, I tell myself, just be patient and believe. And the words "medical" and "clinical" will one day soon become shadows behind other more prominent words in my life: ""beautiful", "thankful", "plentiful", "peaceful", "joyful"....

This week has been good overall. The relief of the scan results has been so tangible, and as the news sunk in, we have all been able to breathe deeper breaths. When I feel any pain, I am better able to attach to that a positive interpretation ("The cancer is dying") than a negative response ("Is that the cancer growing?"). That being said, I now push even harder for maintaining that momentum, and have been focusing all the more in continuing to beat the f#*ker through diet and visualisations and seeking that inner calm. The chemo side effects have been heavier this cycle, possibly the cumulative effects beginning to be more present. But I still managed to meet with parents and children this week at the office, to write reports, to go out for dinner (the first time since February!), and to spend time with James whenever I could.

Speaking of whom, how is it possible that he will be turning one in a couple of weeks?! My baby is no longer a baby - he's a strong, tall, talkative, active, eight-toothed bundle of energy and joy. He amazes me. Lately, he and I have gone out for early morning walks in Holland Park while the world is still asleep - lovely quiet and fresh starts to our day, where all seems possible. My mother has joined us, combining strolling with her commendable runs. James squeals at her in awe, while waving with glee at the dogs that pass us, and looking up at me with rosy cheeks and the biggest of grins. I treasure these moments, images stored in my mind of how blessed I am.

And in mentioning blessings... I wanted to thank you all for all your posts and emails and messages this past week, as you shared in my good news and cheered me on to keep on going. I couldn't do this without your support, and feel so incredibly lucky to have so much love and friendship in my life. The biggest of hugs to all.