GOOD NEWS

Dear All,

I can't tell you how many times I have visualised walking into Dr. Plowman's office, and having him say, "I have good news...." I wished it with all my being, I hoped it with all my heart, I imagined it with all my strength. And yet there was such fear... And this afternoon, holding onto Julian's hand so tightly, I walked into Dr. Plowman's office and heard the words, "Well, I am happy to say I have good news...."

All of my tumours have shrunk (surreal, as always, to refer to them as a "collective"). My liver has shown particularly significiant progress, which is what Dr. Plowman said is the most important factor and indicator of my healing. My breast has also gone down significantly. My lymph nodes have shown comparatively less of a great change, but still continue to shrink nonetheless. Originally reported "suspicious spots" on my lungs are now gone. My bones were not scanned per se, as I was told that "healing spots" on bones show up the same as malignancies this early on - and if all the rest of me is responding well to chemotherapy, then those small spots are expected to have done the same. All, in all, I am healing, I am healing, I AM HEALING!!!

So where do we go from here? The road is long, and looks like at least from the chemo front, will be even longer. I am supposed to keep on track with two more rounds of this intensive chemo (March 18th and April 8th), with the possibility of a seventh round. Then, I am now scheduled to continue with a second "chapter" of chemo: instead of getting an intensive chemo treatment one day with a 21 day break (given to me intravenously, and it is a wham to my body), the new chemo would be given to me everyday for 14 days with a seven day break. This would be given in tablet form (with extra chemo given in injections on days #1 and #8). It is presumably less of a hit to my immune system, as the chemo is given over 14 days instead of just one blast on a single day. The downside is that I have less of a "break". Dr. Plowman said that, given how well I have responded to chemo, we have to keep going, and the goal is that I have to get my liver clear. So, I will be having chemo into the summer.... deep breath... And then, all will be reassessed, to see if or when, surgery and/or radiotherapy would be the next plan.

So, it is a long road, such a long road. Overwhelming. But I know that I have it in me to fight this, and I am crossing that finish line, however long this journey is going to take me. The chemo, the diet, the vitamin supplements, the visualisations, the faith, the love, the messages and emails and calls, my "troops"... this positive energy is working, and that's what important.

And speaking of positive energy, the photo above is of James on my lap, as we sing and play. I love his glee, his joy, and I share in it extra specially today. Thank you all for your thoughts, encouragement, and prayers. They continue to mean the world to me.

PHILOSOPHY IN THE TRENCHES

OK, Danda, put on your American sweatshirt this AM, and while I know you are a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan, you have love Yogi Berra of the New York Yankees. Mind you, he was not of your generation and barely of mine, but Nanny heard the games on the radio(!) and revelled in them. Yogi was an all around nice guy with a ready smile and big heart. He was a publicist's dream as he always had something to say, but he somehow got is a bit garbled, and in doing so has left the world a little better off . Yogi always left you smiling. Alexis speaks, in her last post, of the "fork in the road". Yogi, too, had an image of this transition when he uttered his most endearing and enduring comment on life - "When you come to a fork in the road, take it", I'll be holding your hand tomorrow. LSC

Las Hoces del Duraton

Dearest Alessandra, this blast from your past is also the first blog of my life! I finally had to admit there are still things worth learning, unlike most of my students. This blogging stuff was just silliness until I read these posts, full of everyday news, feelings, and reaching out to connect so many people that know and love you. So of course, I couldn't NOT join this collection of dots, as one way to link arms, and walk along with you for as long as you want. The last time we walked together, I was not much older than you are now - a stunning thought!

Now, I'm a little bit like this owl, ruffled, still full of questions, and at times seeing life from a different perspective. Remember, no matter how upside down the view may seem, your feet are on solid ground, and your spirit is strong. May the sun warm your heart, and be sure that I am holding you in the light every minute of every day. All my love to you.

fairies watching over you!

Danda, I found yet another pixie fairy to watch over you, these days I think you will take all the fairies you can get! If this doesn't make you laugh out loud then I am not sure what will! Here is Avery, my old roommate and best friend, Vicky's little girl. She was one hell of a determined angel for Halloween this year....and she is ready for battle as you can very well tell! Hugs and a laugh! -Lex

puddles and pixies

Danda~

I can only say that puddle of tears had to flow at some point. You are at a fork in the road; it is part of the journey you are on. Up until now your road has been a mix of difficult up hill pushes (the sisters' Dead Fred adventure has nothing on this climb!) mixed with some flat roads allowing you to regain strength; but now the fork has arrived and destinies are different depending on the road taken. I wish you could just pick your road and get on with it. But as we all know life is not easy nor fair (you and I are the cousins that have always struggled with this one it seems)! This fork forces one to pause for thought. I think the Haven is just that- a haven where you can work through and acknowledge this fork in the road. You have been so strong because it is what you had to be for yourself and your family--it was what was going to get you to this point. The anxiety that you have held deep within you is palpable. It is real and it is human. I am so glad you obviously have someone to lean on to help guide you through your emotions-maybe you can see Gosia as the troop member who is your gatekeeper to these emotions. I went to her website, she is not only beautiful with a pixie like charm from her photo, but clearly looks like someone who I would want by my side. Like Lisa H said the right people often come into our lives at the right time!

I am right beside you and will be sending every ray of light, every drop of hope and every bit of comfort your way as you count down to Wednesday afternoon. I am glad the sun is shining on you today; I hope you soaked it in. You love the sun as much as I do and I do believe its warmth can help heal! It is one of God's many gifts to us after all. I love you immensely!

Lex

"Be Aware of Wonder"

"Be Aware of Wonder" is my favorite quote. I am always reminded of this quote when I see the rays of sunshine - how beautiful and simple, yet amazing. They are one of the "wonders" that makes our world beautiful every day. The quote to me is a reminder that "wonder" exists in our lives every day, we just need to open our eyes and see it.

As I read this blog every day, I am also reminded of this quote. What an amazing group of people supporting our dear Alessandra. Next, the group at The Haven. How "wonder"ful they sound. I see them like yet another ray of sunshine that has touched your life. Also, needing no explanation is the wonder that is James. Lastly, as I read your entries Alex, I can't help but recognize you as one of the wonders of my life. There is sunshine radiating from you, even as you fight through dark days - so simple, yet amazing. Hold on to the wonder that exists within you. We all see it and I know it will pull you through this.

You are in my thoughts this week and I look forward to dancing in the sunshine with you when all this is behind you. I love you my friend.

A New Week Begins

Alex
I am glad you have found another place to talk, to cry, and perhaps just to be and think through the hopes and fears that inevitably come with this journey. I believe that the right people come into our lives at the right time and when we need them most. I am so glad that you have added to the support crew.

One of my most favorite things to do is wake up when it is still dark outside, when the day is ahead of me and all things are possible. Tomorrow, I will wake up extra early - about 2:00 your time. I will have an extra cup of coffee and imagine your support team around you doing what they do best. I will imagine James kicking his little legs and waving his arms waiting for you to get home and give him a kiss.

Tomorrow all things are possible - I can just feel it!
Love,
Lisa H

BE STILL........

Take a good look at this white marble creation. It has been in the family since the early 1900s. I suspicion that your great-grandmother brought it home from Italy on one of her "Grand Tours" accompanied by 4 children, 18 steamer trunks, a wad of cash and an eye for beauty. It has resided in Montcito, CA, East Haddam CT, Hartford, CT, Plainfield NH, Cooperstown NY and several homes in St. Thomas VI. She is a well-traveled lady. Nanny gave her to me with a note that said, "Whenever I am down or stressed or in need of peace, I look at this lady's neck and how her beautifully her head sits upon her shoulders. She is perfectly aligned in her repose. She never fails to calm me." So, barring the fact that shipping her to Stratford Road might seriously tax Fed EX, I send you this image from Nanny. Be calm. LSC

Thoughts and Tears.

Dear All,

A sunny Sunday morning and I am about to head to the hospital to have my blood counts checked. Hopefully my immune system is back up, allowing me to do more and be around more people. I have had a quiet weekend so far - the chemo this time around did a number on my insides, and I have had stomach problems and mouth ulcers which have not been fun. And I simply have been very tired. I have attached a photo of James playing on my bed yesterday morning, before we went for a walk in the park. He changes everyday, is becoming so talkative and giggly, and is always my highlight.

Last Wednesday I went to the Haven and took part in a "Mind Body Therapy" group session, which had been recommended to me. It was led by a woman named Gosia Gorna (pronounced "Gowsha"), a life coach by profession, and originally Polish in nationality, who was absolutely wonderful. For you psychologists, her methods are very cognitive-behavioural, and we spent two hours working on tools to use to help with our emotions. There were only two of us in the group - myself, and a 62-year old woman named Mary, who I can only describe as being the gentlest of souls with a huge heart. Many of the exercises required us to close our eyes and visualise, and in those moments, I lost it. I have never cried in that way - it was as if taps had been opened, and floods of tears just poured down my face, all the way down my sweater, to form dark puddles on my jean-covered thighs. Literally puddles. Gosia warmly kept handing me tissues and making me share what I was feeling. It was hard, it was overwhelming, it felt good and deeply sad at the same time. One exercise entailed her having me repeat after her out loud: "I allow myself to be afraid, every minute of every day, to the exclusion of all other thoughts, from morning until night, so that it cripples my being, and I am looking forward to it. But I choose to embrace positivity, and allow myself to be healthy and happy, to grow old until I am 95, to imagine all the things that I will be doing with James, and I am looking forward to it." The statements went on. She also, at one point, kept pushing me to verbalise my greatest fear and to get it "out of my head". "What are you most afraid of?" she asked. I, of course, started crying and struggled to get the words out, "That I will die". And what is the worst thing about that?" she asked. I looked at her as if she was crazy...."That I won't be with James". "And what is the worst thing about that?" she again asked. Again, I thought this was torture, and the tears just kept coming, "That he won't have me there to love and care for him. That I won't be able to be part of his life. He needs me. I need him. I want to live...." And so the session went on... can you imagine the emotion?! Other exercises were less brutal, and focused on relaxation, positive imagery, silver linings, opportunity in crisis, ways to get the thoughts "out"....We ended the two hours and I felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Gosia hugged me at the end of the time, and expressed a wish to work with me in a one-to-one session. Ya think I need it?!? I signed up, and am seeing her this coming Thursday, the day after my scan results. For any of you who are interested, her website is http://www.gosiagorna.com. She is the newest recruit of my troops.

Speaking of scan results, I have been very anxious these past few days, understandably. I hope with such intensity that I will hear good news, and at the same time I try to prepare myself for news that might mean that the journey will simply have to be longer or harder. The scan is at 2pm tomorrow (Monday), so send some good vibes for me, will you? My meeting with Dr. Plowman to hear the results is on Wednesday at 4:30pm. Again, I am a believer in the power of thoughts and prayers, and I need you all, all the more, on those days. I visualise, I express my silent wishes, and I hold James extra tight, because his energy is so strong and so healing in so many ways.

I must go to the hospital. My love and hugs, as always. Alessandra

Spring!

Hi Panda,
I'm writing you from Rome. It's spring here! There's been a wonderful sun out there for two days now, temperatures are mild and spring is definitely in the air! Flowers are blooming everywhere, birds nesting, people coming out to enjoy the sun. I take this as a sign that this year spring starts earlier, on your March 9 important date. Good new beginnings are coming! I'm sending you a picture of the apricot tree in my parents' backyard and a view of Rome to show you what I'm talking about. A hug from everyone here e tanti baci.

F$#@% you Cancer and F#$%^ you Cancer

Back to humor! Above is a Christmas photo aptly named Fuck Santa. The two boys in the photo are my friend Caroline's two boys-Nicholas and Ben. Just found it this morning on her Facebook page. I laughed out loud when I saw it so I thought you all deserved to enjoy the laugh as well!

It is finally sunny again in the Bay area. I am thrilled! Tomorrow Day Light Savings time is back meaning one more hour of sunshine at the end of my day an indication that springtime is on its way! That makes me SOOOOOO happy. So my question to the group is what makes you SOOOOOO happy!?

Just thinking about you...

Hello Alex and Friends,

I always end my day checking the latest messages, it has become a routine that leaves me inspired by the support, makes me laugh (I love the mini buns), and reminds me what is best and most important in life. Alex, you manage to make a difference and make an impact no matter what you got going on!

I love you very much...

Lisa H

WITH APOLOGIES TO GREAT POETS

Hi! It's your Golden Oldie Auntie from ST. Thomas. Real Estate sucks, so I have plenty of time on my hands and what better time spent than on your behalf, lending a little cheer and onward and upward hurrahs. Of course, my version is always a tad old-fashioned and dowdy, but do I care? Nope. So here goes.

THE ALESSANDRA- ISLANDER 55

My mast as tall as the nearest star

My bow like a whetted knife

I'm off on a trip toward Zanzibar

In search of the rest of my life

My sails are white as a seagull's breast

My hull as strong as a vault

I sail the seas and rarely rest

'tis my one and only fault

My halyards sing in the lively breeze

My rudder is straight and true

I cruise along through the cobalt seas

A pleasure long overdue

I've journeyed the vast Pacific Rim

And now the Atlantic calls

Perhaps I'll stop in a quiet cove

As the twightlight gently falls

To cradle-rock in an islands's lee

My anchor deep in the sand

I'll dream of the wondrous times to come

When out of the sight of land

As morning breaks with a salt-air tang

And the wind whips fresh and new

I hear, far off-shore, the buoy's clang

And I have a rendezvous

With whatever lies ahead of me

Beyond the horizon line

That endless blend of sky and sea

Where all of the stars align

I'll reef my sails if the weather's rough

And my gunwales awash with foam

No matter the course, no matter how tough

His compass shall guide me home

LSC 2009

Miracles do happen!

Dearest Danda,

I sit at my desk at work enjoying the last of the leftover sliders from Sunday night. I know what everyone must be thinking right now, it has been four days since you made those burgers and you are still eating what is essentially leftover refrigerated burgers. How good can that be? Well, my friends I have to say it is all about the bun. I think the density of this bun has kept the entire burger intact for the days it has been refrigerator and frankly I think the burger tastes as good as ever. I really think I am on to something!

As for the current state of the fireworks display or red wine that has tattooed our kitchen ceiling, we have made progress. Picture the scene of Jeff and standing on stools lat at night scrubbing our hearts out not sure if we were scrubbing the paint off or the stains, but not really caring as the spots began to fade. However, it was so hard to tell if we had made any progress since every so often the dots seemed to multiply probably from our eyes crossing from being in such close proximity to the ceiling! More scrubbing to come tonight....

Daffodils! Among one of the happiest flowers I can think of. just like the sun with their bright yellow punch of color and just beaming with pride as their bell-shaped flower protrudes from its petals. Really quite and amazing sight. I bought some stems the other day at the market for $4 for a handful and thought to myself what a great deal. Then I got them to my desk and thought again, how are these flowers going to open from what looked like a dormant state in my fluorescent lit, windowless office. I felt quite the fool for having such optimism given my surroundings. After doubtfully placing them in a vase I arrived the next morning to see the outer protective skin on a couple of them breaking open as if something might actually happen. Throughout the day I willed them to open, glancing over at them as typed tirelessly at my keyboard. I swear to you I witnessed these flowers opening. It is not often or ever that one gets to see such a miracle, but there I was in my doldrums office watching nature come to life. Miracles do happen-you just have to believe!

You are my lovin' spoonful of daffodils! I love you Danda!...oh and I also love your doctor, I know he is probably more than double my age, but he is hot! You are in good hands!

Hugs,
Lex

Also, Lindsay, apologies for my delay in getting you my psych mix songs-they are varied, but they are all songs that get me rolling down my windows, turning up the radio and singing at the top of my lungs in my car-even in standstill traffic!

Eric Clapton's version of "Knock on Wood"
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's version of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Jason Mraz "I'm Yours"
Matt Costa "Sunshine"

YAY!!!

Alex - Reading your email about watching the video from The Haven, and hearing about the range of services and support they provide literally brought me to tears. I am so so happy to hear you are going to be going there. Physically and emotionally, it sounds so like the right thing. Yay. I'm working in an integrative health care setting right now and I am seeing agin and again how powerful the integration of mutliple modes of health care really is. So happy. And the photo of The Allesandra. And the photo of Dr. Plowman. Wow. Powerful forum you've got going here, my friend. Adding my love - Lindsay

WOW SO MUCH GREAT NEWS!!!

Hello my friend!

So many great things going on. The boat naming, The Haven, the Buns and of course the great news you will be getting on the 9th.!! yes it will be great news!!! Everyone in St. Thomas will be wondering who this princess is that this gorgous boat has been named after. I'm glad you reached out to The Haven you need the pampering! As much as you deserve it!!

We are all holding our breath for you as well, so feel free to breath a little we have you covered!!

We love you and look forward to hearing the good news next week. In the meantime enjoy all around you, see a movie, watch James grow, read a book anything to take your mind off it. T.V. works for me. Im sure you've heard the Bachelor news. OH boy if that is what is in our news, that every network and magazine is talking about were in trouble. This is bigger news than Brad and Angelina.

Enjoy the day!!!! Loads of kisses and love to you all!

Eve

P.S. The picture is of one of Stephen's paintings I love. Where is this one? Do you know who has it?

La Gaviota de la Esperanza

Carissima Alessandra!

I feel honoured to be able to follow, and be part of, your blog.  It´s been so long and yet you´ve been so present in my thoughts and prayers in the past months.  Being able to follow you more closely through this blog is a true gift, as is to see how much love is flowing towards you from all those who love, respect and admire you deeply.  As Helen Keller said, "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the heart."  There is so much power in Love, Hope and Spirit and I know you are blessed with plenty of each.  I attach a photo I took in Formentera a few years ago...it´s of a sea gull flying out towards a beautiful and breathtaking sea.  I´ve always found incredible solace, strength and peace by the sea so I hope this picture can bring you some fresh sea breeze to keep you going through the low moments.  "The Haven" sounds just like the right place so make sure you take in all the healing it has to give.  And I leave you with my dear Papà´s words, those he repeated to me so often in those moments I didn´t know where to find my inner strength..."CREDITICI, CREDITICI!".  He was so right, there is immense power in BELIEVING!

With much love, Sally   

PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD!

Bob Marley was a man who touched more hearts and united more people, through music, than even he intended. Boats, be they large or small, are my avenue of bringing joy to others and myself at the same time. As you know I recently took on an enormous project of resurrecting this weathered beauty. Jessica and I have inspected, repaired and carefully thought out all fifty-five feet of her. It has cost me more than I can afford and has taken more time than I anticipated; however, it will deliver beyond its worth forever. The original name for this vessel was to follow my proud pattern of being named for a Bob Marley song. Thankfully, he sang and wrote hundreds of titles and finding an appropriate one was always possible. It had to have meaning and be truly a reflection of the vessel. I have had ONE LOVE, RAGAMUFFIN, WAR, STIR IT UP and BRAND NEW SECONDHAND. All were fitting! My new beauty was difficult to name. Jessica and I went through the list and found what we thought was perfect - MELLOW MOOD. It possessed a certain feeling and the song's lyrics created the emotion that we felt, for the most part, fit. As the boat came together our pride in her beauty made us want to display, with pride, her new name. We went to get the name fabricated and we chose the font, but it wasn't quite right. Somehow, it lacked something - just the right feeling. We slept on it for days, and one night I woke Jessica out of a sound sleep and we discussed and agreed upon a new name. It wasn't following the Bob Marley theme, but it didn't seem to matter. The new name possessed beauty, grace and strength in its title. Even the ages were similar. It represented the struggle to survive and beat all the odds, to sail again in the beautiful form it was born as. It's new name is ALESSANDRA. Its name reflects exactly what this this vessel is - a classic beauty. Alessandra, thank you for being the lovely individual you are. You have always possessed deep feelings which have been seen in the many times you have shed tears, be they happy or sad. Jessica and I look forward to having you and your family aboard for a fun sail soon. Persevere and get well! Love Chris and Jessica

For Amanda Mealing's new fans

What wonderful news Alessandra! It is so great that you have found a place where you can get pampered. "The Haven" really seems an appropriate name. I am sure this is going to do so much good to both your morale and your body. I googled The Haven and watched their video, it really looks like a place where you will be able to relax and recharge. I also googled and imdbed Amanda Mealing, I found some pictures, but I don't think I have ever seen her before. However I am now one of her best fans, as probably are some of those who read this blog ;) I am going to post here one of her photos for those who are curious to see how she looks like. As for photos, I really liked your doctor's smile. He looks like a really nice guy!

Adding to the Troops

Dear All,

The hit of Round #4 is slowly receding, and I am feeling my body once more stand itself up. The nausea seems to be lingering a little longer this time, but is manageable, and the tiredness, while still coming in waves, is much less heavy. Admittedly, the "cumulative" impact of treatment was felt this time around, but then, it meant the fight was all that more "on" and powerful. To the onlooker, however, the scene was a quiet one. I spent Thursday through Sunday mostly in bed, napping and sleeping, curled in a ball under my covers with James sneaking kisses under the blanket, Chiara chatting softly at my side, Julian stroking my head with constant words of encouragement, and my mother (the ultimate carer), looking after us all. The usual up and down emotional moments that I have come to expect painted the rollercoaster ride. But as I said, my body is again standing itself up, and so the journey continues.

Monday came around, and it was an emotionally powerful day for me. In a very positive way. I was lying on my bed, and decided to finally watched part of a DVD that had been given to me about a Center in London called "The Haven" - it is for women with breast cancer, and offers a variety of support, workshops etc. I had delayed looking at it because I didn't feel it was what I needed at the time, and also because each treatment cycle had brought with it its drama, so all I wanted was just to "be". Well, I put in the DVD, and there was a 2-minute intro by a British TV actress, Amanda Mealing, who I had never heard of. But her opening line was, "I was thirty six years old, and had just given birth to my son. What had been thought of as mastitis, was soon found to be Stage III breast cancer, which is the aggressive kind... my son's first year was spent with my having 7 months of chemo, surgeries, radiotherapy....Now, five years on, I am well, I have wonderful children, and I lead a wonderfully full life". I stopped the DVD and began to cry so hard. "That's me! That's me!!!!" I cried. She was young, she had just had a baby, her cancer was the agressive kind like mine, her life had been turned upside down, and she's made it. A sign? I put the laptop aside, and without hesitation, I picked up the phone and dialed The Haven. "Yes, I'd like an initial consult...." I went that same afternoon, and met with a wonderful practioner, who talked me through the possible services (all free, it's a charity). I spent the hour crying and sharing and brainstorming, and felt drained but well at the end of it. I now, over the course of the next couple of weeks, will be meeting with a nutritionist, medical herbalist, shiatsu practitioner, and counsellor. I am also going to be attending workshops on juicing, cooking and mind-body meditation. [Ironically, one of the women who runs a meditation/relaxation programme there used to work at the Bristol Cancer Help Center, a similar organisation where I got my first job after university, working as a research assistant from 1994-1996. I will be seeing her again, now after 15 years]! It felt good, the timing feels right. I may not know Amanda Mealing, but she has now become, unbeknownst to her, one of my troops in this fight.

And speaking of troops, I have attached a picture of my dear Dr. Plowman, who continues to lead me through these difficult times. I love this photo, because I feel that it captures both the physician and the human who has never let go of my hand.

hot buns!

Danda!

Giovana, what a beautiful picture. You are right the clarity of the picture will take you there any time! Danda, deep breaths!

Hope you are taking care of yourself. Sleeping or just being mellow letting the chemo do its thing. I am sure the anticipation of seeing Dr. Plowman on the 9th for the CT Scan has your mind reeling, but try to outdo your mind with your spirit-remember mind, body and soul-you have three to pick from so when one is bullying the others you can battle back. Stay strong Danda and think positive! We are sending you strength from afar!

And since Mary says humor is key to one’s survival, I will provide an amusing side show act for you and your audience.

I have learned that buns, wine and company can be an explosive mix! No, this does not mean I was having a “no pants party” this weekend! I am instead working on a new business venture. It is in its infancy and may never move beyond, but I am forever hopeful! I have found there is a hole in the market that I may fill. Buns! Mini-hamburger buns that some of you may have heard referred to as Slider Buns. White Castle started the trend years ago, restaurants caught on last year that small burgers were cute and could be considered gourmet and now Burger King is on the scene offering their version. But the average at home chef has limited options for buns if they are in the mood to serve sliders. That is where I come in! I am trying to figure out how to bring my bun business to the open market.

Act 1:my first attempt at making the buns.
It is a rainy Sunday, my boyfriend’s parents, older sister, her little one and two of our friends with their baby are invited over for an afternoon get together. No pressure, I decide to serve gourmet sliders with my fresh baked slider buns. The hour is getting late with the couple of hours needed for preparation and rising time the buns are finally in the oven. And then it all happened so fast. I was pan frying pancetta bits, attempting to make my truffle aioli first in the blender, then in the kitchen aide mixer and finally by hand with no luck. Ultimately realizing that one must beat the egg yolks before adding the oil to the emulsify the mixture. Begin again with the aioli, this time with my boyfriend’s mother’s help. Both of us passing the bowl and whisk between one another long enough to regain strength. Burgers are done, I’m trying to keep the pancetta from burning, the buns I see are now burning, “someone save by buns,” I shriek!

Interlude
First, let it be said I am no baker. Too much measuring and exact timing! Second, my mother lamented I was the sack of the potatoes when she carried me to bed and my brother was the climbing monkey- I like to think that meant my body was hard as steel! I always feared that this “heaviness” would carry over into my baking! Indeed, when I was younger it did as I made my first batch of brownies with olive oil instead of vegetable oil-I am Italian, what can I say!

Act 2 and final scene.
Buns are saved, but with Coppertone tans on their tops! Aioli has been whipped to beat the band! Pancetta is perfect. I did it! The buns look good, my boyfriend, Jeff’s, burgers look delicious. The assembly line starts putting the burgers together while I open some ceremonious wine. First bottle corked and ready. Second bottle….cork is pushed down unexpectedly and the wine explodes sending red wine to the ceiling. Party freezes. What the hell just happened I think?! What a mess. My tall boyfriend tries to mop up the ceiling, it is too late the wine has been absorbed into the cheap plaster. The burgers are getting cold. Screw it; we can’t let the burgers go down with the ship. Assembly continues and before not to long, wine is poured into glasses, burgers are tasted and all is well. Still wondering how we will get the wine from the ceiling, but maybe when I strike it big selling my buns on grocery store shelves I can afford to repaint the ceiling. Until then we just look up and remember why buns, wine and company can be an explosive mix!

Dolomites!

Cara Alessandra,
I wanted to share with you the photo I keep on my computer desktop at work. I found it on the internet soon after I moved here, it was taken somewhere on the Dolomites, not far from where I live now. I usually don't keep photos on the desktop, but when I first saw this one I realized how important it was to have it in front of my eyes all the time, especially at work, where stress can sometimes play tricks on you. All I need is to take a look at this picture and... ahhh, I feel immediately relaxed. It is so sharp that I almost feel I am on that lake and I can breathe that clean and cool mountain air. I hope it works the same for you!

P.S. I've just noticed that if you click on the picture, you are going to see it really big, in all its might. I suggest downloading it and opening it up full screen on your laptop. Just to see the effect.

run baby run

Or, the title is close to that....It's an old song by Cheryl Crow. I used it myself when I had newly moved to SF and new no one. But, to me, it is about taking flight, new beginnings, and maintaining strength. I think of you, Alex, when you ran the Tufts 10k here in Boston. I remember what you told me about all those women running and the collective strength that was almost palpable on that day. I hope that you hear this song and remember that day, and that we are all with you on this long run.
Much love, Julie

Cancer Fight Tunes

Ok. The title needs work. But I'm still grooving on the idea of creating a mix of rockin' toones to support Alex in her ultimate workout. Alex's Aunt (I think I have that connection right...tag name LSC) took it to the next level -- this could ultimately be a tool that could be spread far and wide, all proceeds to benefit the cause. So, come on everyone, send me your favorite dance/workout tunes, and I'll start the compilation process. All you have to do is reply to this post and simply type the title, and artist if you know it. Any attached background stories are welcome but not required! We've got "I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again" by Chumbawumba. I'm going to add "Soul Sister" in honor of the sisterhood around Alex, and the sisterhood of breast cancer fighters. And I think we have to add "I Will Survive." Brings out the inner powerful Diva in all listeners, after all. All styles of hype are welcome!! - Lindsay

FULL STEAM AHEAD

You are the locomotive fueled, currently by chemo. Look at all that black smoke. It is the cancer being reduced to particles and thrown to the winds. Visualize this: when I was really young and stupid, we used to put pennies on the train tracks and wait for the sound of the train whistle in the distance. Sometimes, in high anticipation, we put our hands on the track to see if we could feel the far-off rumble. What were we thinking!!? Where were our parents?!! The train would come barreling round the bend and over the pennies. Think of your tumors as pennies. Enough said. xoxoxoxoxoxLSC

A Gift for You!

To Our Dearest Alex - I think I can speak for the collective blog group when I say that we are pulling for you every step of the way. I found this drawing and I love it. I thought it might be a good image for you when you are in your lowest lows and also in your highest highs. Picture the one figure with the heart as all your friends and family, who although far and near, are sending our hearts to you every moment of every day. We love you my friend.

Hello there!

Hi Panda,
It's good to see that the day after the chemo you are already able to write. Your tone is more positive than in your last two posts, the targeted fight ahead contributes to the morale! The focus of a targeted fight certainly gives you more control over the situation. That's very good. I liked hearing you determined, aggressive and yet suave as usual. I like to see the Mediterranean you lifting its head and aggressively and angrily fight. It's also good that you let the Anglo-Saxon you keep you positive, optimistic, and always ready to grasp the good of things.
I don't know what would be the best of the two possible outcomes from the CT scans. I don't know what each implies on the long run in terms of getting you as quickly and as effectively as possible to remission, so I don't know what to wish you. I'm sure Dr. Plowman will suggest the best course of action, and will find you very collaborative, whichever the path to take.
Carissima, I miss you. I wish I could be with you and help you heal somehow or just help you vent in your down moments. You're in my thoughts every day. A big hug.

In the ring again.

Dear All,

I am lying in bed, given that the effects of the chemo seem to have hit more immediately this time around. No nausea - just a strange, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, and the taste of chemo in my mouth which I can't get rid of. It's the tiredness that knocks me sideways... literally like the plug has been pulled out of me and there's that computer message on my body screen saying "Shutting down...." So I went to bed at 8:30 last night, slept about 10 hours, only to wake up and after breakfast sleep another two hours... and another nap seems imminent. Have snuck in lots of James kisses in between which always do a world of good. Need to work on food intake, but the thought of food is pretty unappealing. Bring on the fresh vegetable juices!

Saw Dr. Plowman yesterday, and asked for the pep talk. In his warm, yet factual way, he did his best to give me peace of mind while also addressing the questions that I had. Looks like the boob seems to be contuining to respond well, while my lymph node seems to have plateaued in its shrinking following its initial drastic change when I started the chemo process. So, Dr. Plowman wants to let this fourth round do its work, and then rescan me via CT on the 9th, in two weeks' time, to see how the metastases have responded. Options include continuing as we are doing, changing the chemo protocol for the last two rounds, or doing surgery sooner in between cycles to get the lymph node (and breast tumour too maybe?) out. We shall see. So it is full steam ahead for the next fortnight, and then discussion of the game plan following the scan. I am nervous on one hand, and still very hopeful on the other. The main thing is knowing what I'm up against, so that the fight remains targeted, strong and successful. Gotta get the music right, the sights set on that finish line no matter how long the road and how many twists in it, and the body in steady gear. I will get there - failure is not an option, take it from a Type A, Grade A personality!!!! Love to you all.

A Step Closer

I am inspired by all the wisdom and words on this site and so happy that Alex can have one place to go and collect more connections. I am also glad that there were opportunities for fun in between rounds 3 & 4 - play dates, walks, and bubble baths are good medicine too. Alex, you are one step closer to round 6, your body is strong, and the chemo is doing its job. I am sorry that for it to work, it has to hurt, but it is one more sign that your body is healing. In my prayers, I pray that the low moments will be few and the brighter times will come quickly this round. Afterall, James may be looking for another date soon! Thanks for the updates and good night from California.

music

Alexis' last post made me imagine a mix that we could put together of all our favorite fight/dance/positive trance music. Imagine the ultimate, most inspiring workout mix. What are your favorites? We can start with Chumbawumba and grow from there...
- Lindsay

Katherine, I like the way you and your team think! Humor and vulgarity are a great match! I salute you and the "F#*&% You" to cancer!

Alessandra, I hope you made it through. I have a sneaky suspicion that your determination lead the way and that your yellow cape (or turquoise as the case may be-remember silence is a virtue, I hope you like it! ) saw you through your treatment and will swaddle you in the days to come as you experience the hideous affects of it.

Ok, so here comes the pep talk from your cuz! Last week I endured another spin class. Doyle was my instructor who had taught several classes that day so he taught mine from "off the bike" as they like to call it--always inspirational when someone is barking out orders, but not doing it themselves. I digress. Class was broken into three sections. The first section we were riding at incremental clips trying to continue to ride hard and strong despite our legs tiring over time. The music was helping push us along in the way that only electronica can put you in that pounding trance. And then as we were nearing exhaustion Doyle said now I want you to turn it up a notch, ride at your absolute max until the end of the song. And then, the music slowed. It became this lethargic, steam engine going up will with no steam beat. With that the wind was knocked out my sails. My legs slowed. My body stopped being relaxed and instead of being fluid everything tightened. I wanted to scream! I wanted to tell Doyle that his song choice really sucked and that I could have actually finished strong if he hadn't brought be down with his "you're getting very sleepy" music.

I continued class in much the same demeanor-wanting to yell at Doyle again when we were spinning our legs as fast as we could to fast paced Irish jig music on our descent from the big hill we had just finished climbing to electronica beats before. He reminded us we are on a VERY steep, long hill and I thought to myself...I didn't know you could bike down Everest!? Then along came the third section of just riding and this time it was African drumbeats. I felt at home. At ease. And like I could keep going like this forever. I went to my happy place!

So the moral of this story is there will always be something working against you, trying to pull you back, trying to slow you down, but it is up to you to fight back and regain focus on what you are trying to accomplish-the hill you are trying to climb. The road will seem long and endless, but it is a journey ,so you have to ride down the road. It is how you choose to use your mind to approach the road and ride its length that is up to you. But for God sake listen to good music on the ride-it can change everything. Throw out the Sting album that I know you love and put in Chumbawamba those 90's one hit wonders who sang the, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down" song. Make the music powerful, invigorating and happy and you will get through!! I know you will Alessandra!

Speaks for itself

SPINACH!!?!

Yes James, SPINACH!
"But Mummy, it is not really yummy."
O yes it is, James. Ever since Popeye downed his first batch, strength was his for the asking. Spinach makes you larger than life! It is full of nutrients, just ask Uncle Anthony. It grows sweaters on your teeth. It has oxalic acid in it, the ester or salt of which is used in cleaning agents. Now this makes no sense because when you eat spinach there is always one little piece that sticks between one of your front teeth. Ask your grandmother, it's true. When I was growing up spinach came in BIG leaves and when it was cooked it was nasty and stringy. My grandfather promply fixed that. He made creamed spinach with heavy cream and butter and salt and pepper and always a touch of nutmeg. You must learn what herbs and spices enhance the worst tastes. Anyway, creamed spinach became a favorite. Now Baby spinach is all the rage. Little leaves piled high on a pretty plate. Douse them with a citrus viagrette and throw on some bacon bits (big sin!) and perhaps some thinly sliced orange and a little red onion. With all those drapings you forget it is SPINACH! So slurp on, little one! Eat your spinach and then the next time you are in your bath with your rubber duckies, poop. You want to see Gran levitate?
Spinach is REALLY good stuff! LSC

We can do it!

Dear Alessandra,
It's 6:53 am now in London, you have probably just woken up--or will wake up soon, thinking of your round 4 coming in just a few hours. Deep breeeeaaaath here... Be brave, once again. It's going to be a roller-coaster again, but in the end this round, like the previous ones, will make you feel better. Remember: you can do it. You can do it. You can do it! And all your friends and loved ones are behind you. *We* can do it!


(Hey, I had never noticed that Rosie (in the picture) wears a head scarf like yours!)

Alex and her beautiful creation!!

Hello My friend,

First I want to say Alexis that was a beautiful letter, I'm so glad you spoke for all of us and the guilt Alex feels that she should not. We all know how hard it is to keep up on a daily basis let alone when your not feeling up to par. So thank you for that, Alex I hope you have gotten over the guilt and get better!! Damn!! That's all we care about as should you!! Don't worry about us!! It's time we worry about you!!!

This is your person talking!!! And your cousin couldn't have said it better.

Our thoughts are with you and best of luck with round 3. You have done so well, were all proud of you, you will get through this. Stephen tonight could only say he wants so badly to hug you. As you know in the Stephen fashion I heard it about a dozen times till it started to get to me. See nothing changes! I thought you'd like this picture of your beautiful creation (besides James) I expect to see these flowers by the pool soon! It was a lovely sight as we entered Aliseda. I'm counting on many more visits and many more creations.

I love you!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox's

The Highlight of my Day

Dear All,

On the eve of Round #4 of chemo, I am as ready for tomorrow as I will ever be. I have fed my body well, I have exercised on a long walk, and I have conjured up that fighting spirit to take the upcoming medicine with both hands and a salute to healing. But admittedly, what has been the best mental and emotional preparation has been my wonderful James, who has given me smiles and kisses and so many reasons to laugh out loud today. I have attached a couple of those moments: his splish splashing in the bath when Gran gave him the surprise of three rubber duckies, and his savoury introduction to spinach (he just LOVES food)! He is such a joy. Good night and love and hugs to you all.

Be Brave!

I have held onto this image that I found on the internet when I started my first job in the "real world". And throughout the years I have saved it as my work computer's desktop image on my when times got tough. It reminded me to not take my life too seriously, but to be brave, take risks and that when you jump a little yellow cape would catch me.

As you approach your next round of chemo maybe this little wingman will put a smile on your face and remind you to be brave! I love you, go get 'em!!

The ESSENCE of SILENCE

"Whose woods are these, I think I know"........ They are mine in Lincolnville after the latest salvo from above. The two humps in the middle of the picture are Dianne's Adirondack chairs. Isn't this image the essence of silence? To me, it is as if the trees were holding their breath. I can't hear any wind in the branches or the shivering chirp of a bird or the scurrying of a mouse under the snowy blanket. Such silence is pure. Perfect. Just as your "silence" is when we do not hear from you. We know what you are "saying" to us. We know what you are thinking. It need not be expressed in writing, or over the phone. Your "silence" is a powerful message to us. It says we are connected on another level or plain. Somewhere, out there, we are able to touch each other and just be still. Yes? LSC

Just Get Well!

Panda, I perfectly agree with Lindsay and Alexis. I think that none of the people who write you on this blog and the others who use other ways of communicating expect any kind of reply or acknowledgment. We just want our cheers and verbal "caresses" to make you feel pampered and stronger. In fact, the best way for you to "return the kindness" is to get well, and soon!

more guilt free

This image goes with my post below. It was included in a testimonial I was reading online from a woman who discovered the freedom and weightlessness of life without guilt. It is called "The Dancing Life." I like the image. I like the title. I like the sentiment. Hope you do, too.

- Lindsay

NO GUILT

Here here to Alexis' last post!! Alex, you take care of you and do exactly what you need to do for yourself, body mind and soul, and we are all cheering you on and want nothing more from you than that. It is not silence on your part. It is work. No guilt. No guilt. No guilt. Love love love love love love love - Lindsay

You are my sunshine part II

Alessandra- may I first say I have never seen you look so beautiful! You look like an Italian beauty with your colorful scarf wrapped 'round your head, sophisticated black turtleneck and single bangle as if to say I do not need more than this to make a statement. You are a beautiful woman.

I am so glad to hear that you were able to get out on a play date and see James interact with the other wee ones. I know that must be a very satisfying part of motherhood to witness your child interacting with the world around them. And of course, his little friends are international just like you! and that will serve him well I am sure.

I think it is meaningful that you wrote about your guilty "silence" in trying to manage socializing, spending time with loved ones and the desire to reach out via phone or otherwise. I can imagine that everyone on this blog fully understands the struggle you are up against in trying to keep all the balls in the air and at the same time concentrate on healing yourself. The problem is we all suffer from wanting to do more than our bodies and the 24 hour clock allow us to. It shows we are active participants in life and that is good! All of us striving to reach out, stay connected and show our friends and family that we care. And care we do...that you take care of you! The phone calls, the visits, the returning of emails can all wait until you have the strength again to add some more balls the juggling act. But for now, let that guilt go and be silent. Your body needs rest. Your minds needs to focus. And your heart will continue to be filled daily with all of us wishing you well and healing you the best way we know how through encouragement and love and the desire to see you through another day in your fight against cancer.

As you come up on your next round, don't talk yourself out of the fight. Talk yourself into the fight along with your chemo that is a great fighter, but not a fair fighter since it fights with poison. You are a fighter that fights with your mind, body and soul. Together I think your are a good team and are in this fight together for better or worse so start psyching yourself into the fact that you are working VERY hard, but for a very good cause.

I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART! AND all the bright yellow sunshine that I can shine on you (that picture I posted before was supposed to sit with this post, but my new Mac computer was being very uncooperative despite Jeff trying to run to the rescue.

Beautiful as ever

Dear Alessandra,
It was great reading that you feel stronger and you had a proper outing! Most of all, I loved the pictures. They speak more than all the words you could write. You are as beautiful as ever, which I read as a testament to your strength in this hard time. I’m sure you had never thought of wearing a head scarf like that before, but you really look cute and beautiful in it. I think of you every day (and clearly I’m not the only one). Many many warm hugs for your dark moments. Hang in there!

You are my sunshine!

Being Human

Alex - As much as I love hearing your strength and courage and tenacity, I also appreicate hearing about your human moments. Because I have them, too. I'm sure that everyone who is connected on this blog, everyone who loves you so, has those human moments. That is part of what draws us so close and creates the power of this forum. My latest human moment overtook me while snowshoeing. I found myself thinking of you and couldn't stop crying, and finally just cried on my knees in the snow in the woods. It was crushing and relieving and I miss you. I'm glad to hear your humam moments are getting to flow, too. I'm watching the Oscars right now, and so wish you were next to me. I have never watched an awards show with a more appreciative audience than you! Although I have to say, there has been nobody, quite literally, who is more beautiful, elegant, and inspring than you. Love, as always, from Vermont (where we are getting snow at a rate of 1-3 inches per hour, and have been all day) -- Lindsay
ps - Chris and I went to a movie last night...first time in I don't even remember how long...and saw Slum Dog Millionaire (they are cleaning up at the Oscars, so far). I love picturing you watcing the same film, and I wish we could debrief over a cup of really hot tea -- just the way you like it!

FROM PAC typed by by secretary LSC

Dear Alessandra
Just read your latest blog and was delighted you can sound so upbeat. Go for it! I follow every move you make and wish you well. So glad the chemo is working and though it is a terrible ordeal, you are living through it like a martyr. The best news is your "I'm going to lick this thing". AND YOU WILL with an attitude like that. Stay the course and God Bless. (Remember the small pewter box you gave me on my 80th - TUTTO E POSSIBILE) Peter

MUSINGS

Dearest Danda
Let's reverse gears and return to some of the "collections" we all shared. I collect odd little books between whose pages are musings by others far more erudite and talented than myself. The pages more often than not speak to relatively deep things - vices, virtues or vanities. One such dog-eared, water stained treasure is titled WORDS TO LIVE BY - a Treasury of Inspiration and Wisdom Selected and Interpreted by 84 Eminent Men and Women. It was published in 1948 and much that is found between its covers is "spot on" today. Page 140 begins with ON PEACE OF MIND by Joshua Loth Liebman - a clergyman and author -

Once, as a young man full of exuberant fancy, I undertook to draw up a catalogue of the acknowledged "goods" of life...........I set down my inventory of earthly desirables: health, love, beauty, talent, power, riches and fame...........I proudly showed it to a wise elder who had been the mentor and spiritual model of my youth. "This," I told him confidently, "is the sum of mortal goods. Could a man possess them all, he would be as a god."

At the corners of my friend's old eyes, I saw wrinkles of amusement gathering in a patient net. "An excellent list," he said pondering it thoughtfully.........you have omitted the most important element of all. You have forgotten the one ingredient, lacking which each possession becomes a hideous torment." With a pencil stub he crossed out my entire schedule..........and wrote down three syllables: peace of mind. "This is the gift that God reserves for His special proteges", he said.

"Talent and beauty He gives to many. Wealth is commonplace, fame not rare. but peace of mind.....is the fondest insignia of His love".......He scanned the doubt on my forhead. "this is no private opinion of mine, he explained. "I am merely paraphrasing from the Psalmists, Marcus Aurelius and Lao-tse. 'God', says each of these wise ones, 'heaps worldly gifts at the feet of foolish men. But on my head pour only the sweet waters of serenity. Give me the gift of the Untroubled Mind.'"

If I could find this "fondest insignia of His love", I would stamp it on your forehead in indelible ink. Unfortunately, we have to find it for ourselves, but believe me, I pray daily that it can be yours. LSC

A bundle of babies

Dearest Danda,

Thank you for the lovely photograph of you, James and your pre-birth friends and the products, it was so good to see you and James with the others. I will think of you this week every day and wish you all the strength you need, your bravery is contageous and will keep us all thinking positive thoughts for you, which, however far away we are, will surely get to you and give you a little, we hope a lot, more courage.

Best wishes for the week, and love, Nicola

Thoughts on a Sunday.

Dear All,

A quiet Sunday afternoon, with yet another week under my belt. I am feeling admittedly tired, but have taken it easy today, with the London grey skies and winds keeping me indoors aside from a quick walk earlier this morning with James and my mother for some fresh air.

This week has been full. I spent a lot of time with loved ones, which is always so good for the soul. I know that many of you have said you'd hop on the first flight to come and see me, and I deeply appreciate it... if I could, I would snap my fingers and have you all here! But the reality is, as I have come to figure out, that my body's response to treatment is unpredictable, my energy levels are a rollercoaster ride, and I struggle to combine rest with socialising with James time with hospital visits with the normal requirements of daily living! It sounds crazy, but it is hard! Even returning phone calls can feel impossible on many days. And I feel badly and guilty for my "silence". So, if you'll bear with me, I plan to beat this disease hands down and to look forward to future get-togethers with you all once I am at the other end of my treatment. Bring on the summer!

I have to say that I have been very emotional this week... sometimes my diagnosis really hits me between the eyes and I battle a combination of fear, frustration, anger, and sadness... I have been very aware of every pain, every swollen gland, every reduction or lack thereof... I need Dr. Plowman to give me one of his pep talks when I see him for chemo on Wednesday. Yes, Round #4 of chemo is just a few days away - deep breath. In my low moments, when my mind is "weak", I remind myself that my body is remarkably strong - the checklist of what is has gone through the past couple of months and how it has rebounded time and time again is a testament to this. I have almost recovered my initial weight loss despite my rounds of chemo and my stint in the ICU. I have fought infection, a collapsed lung, an immune system repeatedly knocked down to "zero", and "poison" in my veins! My breast tumor (the "mothership" as I refer to it) continues to release its grip on my boob and slowly shrink down. I am unquestionably healthier now than I have been in years when I think of my greater sleep, my radical change in diet, my range of vitamins... I guess that I need that reminding, that reassurance, that recap that "You're doing great!". I seek the guarantee of recovery, which I cannot have, but on which I direct my focus as best I can. I just want to heal so badly, so very badly. And while it has only been two months since I started treatment (to the day!), it has felt like forever ago that I began this journey. And the road is long. I am taking it one step at a time, but the impatient and scared (and human!) part of me wants to be at the end of this chapter.

On a lighter note, this week included some wonderful tastes of "normal life". I went to the movies - the first time in 9 months! - to an afternoon showing of "Slumdog Millionaire", which I adored. Also, my blood counts were high enough to be able to take James on his first play date, as the photos show. I met these two women (Martha and Yumi) at my prenatal classes, and we have since stayed in close touch. Diego and Mito, the two babies, are just days younger than James. It was cute to see the babies "play" together... James was mesmarised by it all and loved it... although strong as he is he proceeded to easily grab the toys from the girl and made her cry... oh dear, a sign of things to come?!

I hope that you have all had a great weekend, and thank you for the messages, photos and the laughs of your postings. I needed them. Hugs and more hugs, Alessandra.

Another Funny!

Here is another possibly inappropriate comic. However, I think it important to laugh in the face of adversity. Like before, I hope this makes you smile! Love you my friend!

In the Name of Fun

Want to know what we do in Vermont in the name of fun in the winter? This is my mom, my girls, and me on an oh so lovely sleigh ride. Looks faboo, no?!? Alex, I can relate to feeling cold!!! :-) I love you - Lindsay

We are not guppies! We are fighters!

Sorry for my absence from the blog, but this account of comic relief took sometime to recount. So here is one for the crowd, but it is a personal experience so don't laugh too hard!

In my attempt to train for my triathlon this summer I decided I was ready to take my swimming to the next level. Not sure why I was so convinced I needed to do this three weeks into my training, but I think it is due to the steady progress I have been making in my fitness level and strength thus far. I spoke with the coach who is in charge of Masters Swim at my local gym to see if he thought I would survive the class and benefit from the workout. He assured me I would be fine and that there were other triathletes who were also in his class.

I showed up to class confident in my decision as the coach welcomed me to the pool. He asked me to swim some laps to assess my swimming and place me in the appropriate lane based on my speed. Well, on my last length of the pool during my warm up I collided with a bald man's head. Alarming to say the least since there was no one in the lane when I started. I came up out of the water with a sore upper lip and slighted bruised ego. Was it me that caused the crash or was it him?! I guess it was a little of everyone. The coach for not telling him I was on the other end of the pool, the bald man for not making me aware he was entering the lane and me for not swimming the designated circle pattern in the pool...ugh! I was off to a shaky start!

The coach, for good reason, separated the crash victims and then class began. He introduced to my lane members and decided it would be polite to shake hands with each one of the 6 people like it was some kind of board room meet and greet! Finally our heads were in the water and I could forget about all that had transpired so far. But with our heads in the water an entirely new set of challenges set in like keeping up with the swimmer in front! Paddle, paddle, paddle, gasp for breath, swallow some water, leaky goggle. What could happen, did happen. There were few things I was in control of at this point so I decided to address the one I could. I switched my sporty small goggles that were pinching me and leaking for my newly purchased kid's goggles that were larger than the common swim goggles, but so comfortable and with a fit that did not allow water in. Bliss! Except now I am the new kid, paddling for her life with the big kid's goggles on!

As the class progressed so did the challenges, from swimming short sprints to swimming longer sprints! And from the coach speaking English to him speaking swim-glish as I like to call. "Ok, lane 1, give me 8 x 150s with a 2:45 interval," he would say. Lucky for me, we had a member of our team who was partially deaf so the coach repeated the instructions a couple of times until the guy gave the thumbs up that he caught it all. Needless to say I was partially deaf as well with wax stuffed into my ears to keep the water out. Ok, so now picture, girl with the big kid's goggles and the wax in her ears and a perplexed look on her face staring at the clock like everyone else, but not knowing why I was staring at the clock! This is kind of how my life goes in and out of the pool in case you were interested. I can tell you about a similar experience with a calculator some other time~!

And off to the races we go, kicking, stroking, flip turning, never mind me counting my laps, I was just trying to keep up and figured I would know when it was all over when I saw legs standing still at one end of the pool. Well, I finished the class much to my amazement and really thought I had hit my stride during the warm down when I was able to almost swim the length of the pool without breathing. Great, I thought! That should do me a lot of good on my 1.5 mile swim from Alcatraz!

Cut to the next day. I'm feeling good....until about 4pm when a sharp pain was felt in my neck that I couldn't shake. It was like a never ending charlie horse. I struggled into a meeting grasping my neck and five minutes in burst out in tears from the pain-I excused myself and headed to the closest thing to a doctor who could help me. A block away and conveniently located next to the closest pub to our office. I went and saw a chiropractor who "adjusted" me...or as I referred to it "cracked" me back into place.

Needless to say I took the week off from swimming and yesterday I found the courage to walk back out to the pool and tell, Dirk (of course that's his name!), the coach, what had happened to me and that I was perhaps in over my head with the masters swimming, but when they introduce guppy swim I am in! Somehow in the five minutes of me feeling pitiful for having been injured after one swim class he talked me back into showing up at the next practice! Either I am a glutton for punishment or I am a fighter like Alessandra! I will take the fighter role any day! Danda, if ever you doubt yourself, just remind yourself that we are NOT guppies! We are fighters!