Thoughts on a Sunday.

Dear All,

A quiet Sunday afternoon, with yet another week under my belt. I am feeling admittedly tired, but have taken it easy today, with the London grey skies and winds keeping me indoors aside from a quick walk earlier this morning with James and my mother for some fresh air.

This week has been full. I spent a lot of time with loved ones, which is always so good for the soul. I know that many of you have said you'd hop on the first flight to come and see me, and I deeply appreciate it... if I could, I would snap my fingers and have you all here! But the reality is, as I have come to figure out, that my body's response to treatment is unpredictable, my energy levels are a rollercoaster ride, and I struggle to combine rest with socialising with James time with hospital visits with the normal requirements of daily living! It sounds crazy, but it is hard! Even returning phone calls can feel impossible on many days. And I feel badly and guilty for my "silence". So, if you'll bear with me, I plan to beat this disease hands down and to look forward to future get-togethers with you all once I am at the other end of my treatment. Bring on the summer!

I have to say that I have been very emotional this week... sometimes my diagnosis really hits me between the eyes and I battle a combination of fear, frustration, anger, and sadness... I have been very aware of every pain, every swollen gland, every reduction or lack thereof... I need Dr. Plowman to give me one of his pep talks when I see him for chemo on Wednesday. Yes, Round #4 of chemo is just a few days away - deep breath. In my low moments, when my mind is "weak", I remind myself that my body is remarkably strong - the checklist of what is has gone through the past couple of months and how it has rebounded time and time again is a testament to this. I have almost recovered my initial weight loss despite my rounds of chemo and my stint in the ICU. I have fought infection, a collapsed lung, an immune system repeatedly knocked down to "zero", and "poison" in my veins! My breast tumor (the "mothership" as I refer to it) continues to release its grip on my boob and slowly shrink down. I am unquestionably healthier now than I have been in years when I think of my greater sleep, my radical change in diet, my range of vitamins... I guess that I need that reminding, that reassurance, that recap that "You're doing great!". I seek the guarantee of recovery, which I cannot have, but on which I direct my focus as best I can. I just want to heal so badly, so very badly. And while it has only been two months since I started treatment (to the day!), it has felt like forever ago that I began this journey. And the road is long. I am taking it one step at a time, but the impatient and scared (and human!) part of me wants to be at the end of this chapter.

On a lighter note, this week included some wonderful tastes of "normal life". I went to the movies - the first time in 9 months! - to an afternoon showing of "Slumdog Millionaire", which I adored. Also, my blood counts were high enough to be able to take James on his first play date, as the photos show. I met these two women (Martha and Yumi) at my prenatal classes, and we have since stayed in close touch. Diego and Mito, the two babies, are just days younger than James. It was cute to see the babies "play" together... James was mesmarised by it all and loved it... although strong as he is he proceeded to easily grab the toys from the girl and made her cry... oh dear, a sign of things to come?!

I hope that you have all had a great weekend, and thank you for the messages, photos and the laughs of your postings. I needed them. Hugs and more hugs, Alessandra.