Thoughts and Tears.

Dear All,

A sunny Sunday morning and I am about to head to the hospital to have my blood counts checked. Hopefully my immune system is back up, allowing me to do more and be around more people. I have had a quiet weekend so far - the chemo this time around did a number on my insides, and I have had stomach problems and mouth ulcers which have not been fun. And I simply have been very tired. I have attached a photo of James playing on my bed yesterday morning, before we went for a walk in the park. He changes everyday, is becoming so talkative and giggly, and is always my highlight.

Last Wednesday I went to the Haven and took part in a "Mind Body Therapy" group session, which had been recommended to me. It was led by a woman named Gosia Gorna (pronounced "Gowsha"), a life coach by profession, and originally Polish in nationality, who was absolutely wonderful. For you psychologists, her methods are very cognitive-behavioural, and we spent two hours working on tools to use to help with our emotions. There were only two of us in the group - myself, and a 62-year old woman named Mary, who I can only describe as being the gentlest of souls with a huge heart. Many of the exercises required us to close our eyes and visualise, and in those moments, I lost it. I have never cried in that way - it was as if taps had been opened, and floods of tears just poured down my face, all the way down my sweater, to form dark puddles on my jean-covered thighs. Literally puddles. Gosia warmly kept handing me tissues and making me share what I was feeling. It was hard, it was overwhelming, it felt good and deeply sad at the same time. One exercise entailed her having me repeat after her out loud: "I allow myself to be afraid, every minute of every day, to the exclusion of all other thoughts, from morning until night, so that it cripples my being, and I am looking forward to it. But I choose to embrace positivity, and allow myself to be healthy and happy, to grow old until I am 95, to imagine all the things that I will be doing with James, and I am looking forward to it." The statements went on. She also, at one point, kept pushing me to verbalise my greatest fear and to get it "out of my head". "What are you most afraid of?" she asked. I, of course, started crying and struggled to get the words out, "That I will die". And what is the worst thing about that?" she asked. I looked at her as if she was crazy...."That I won't be with James". "And what is the worst thing about that?" she again asked. Again, I thought this was torture, and the tears just kept coming, "That he won't have me there to love and care for him. That I won't be able to be part of his life. He needs me. I need him. I want to live...." And so the session went on... can you imagine the emotion?! Other exercises were less brutal, and focused on relaxation, positive imagery, silver linings, opportunity in crisis, ways to get the thoughts "out"....We ended the two hours and I felt like I had been hit by a freight train. Gosia hugged me at the end of the time, and expressed a wish to work with me in a one-to-one session. Ya think I need it?!? I signed up, and am seeing her this coming Thursday, the day after my scan results. For any of you who are interested, her website is http://www.gosiagorna.com. She is the newest recruit of my troops.

Speaking of scan results, I have been very anxious these past few days, understandably. I hope with such intensity that I will hear good news, and at the same time I try to prepare myself for news that might mean that the journey will simply have to be longer or harder. The scan is at 2pm tomorrow (Monday), so send some good vibes for me, will you? My meeting with Dr. Plowman to hear the results is on Wednesday at 4:30pm. Again, I am a believer in the power of thoughts and prayers, and I need you all, all the more, on those days. I visualise, I express my silent wishes, and I hold James extra tight, because his energy is so strong and so healing in so many ways.

I must go to the hospital. My love and hugs, as always. Alessandra