Deep Breaths

Dear All,

It has been a week since I last wrote and, admittedly, it has been a difficult few days. My rebounding has been a bit feeble. The treatment side effects after this last round felt twice as powerful and seemed to linger so much longer. I know that my treatment is "cumulative" in nature, and that I should expect things to get harder, but you always hope that maybe, just maybe, "it won't be so bad". But the nausea persisted, the night sweats have been brutal, the mouth ulcers made a big appearance, and my mood was hit badly. Hard to explain, but you can tangibly grasp the effects of the chemicals in this cocktail of sorts, on my emotions. That has been the most trying part to deal with of late, for the intellect and the heart can do little to rebalance the equation. As always, all I can do is ride it out. And so, the "well days" now feel ever so precious as they feel ever so brief. Round #6 is next week, and I am trying not to think about it too much, but deep down I am truly dreading it and am anxious about how I will feel in the days that follow. All part of the process, I know. I just am having to take extra deep breaths, am having to focus more consciously on the progress that I am making, am having to fight that little bit harder... the plan is still, to date, to push for a Round #7, and then more scans. So, April is a month of battle: two rounds (April 8th and 29th). Troops ready? Deep breath.

Speaking of April, it is hard to believe that we are already in April. I long for the warm summer days that lie ahead, so that I can be outdoors more. James loves his time in the park, and I dream of picnics. He loves water, and I dream of him splish-splashing in the pool. He loves being around people and dogs and birds and squirrels, and I dream of long walks and excursions, and maybe even a bike ride? I always said that he has his father's genes in his draw to being outside, but now I recognise that my desire to be out in the open, especially after these past few months, is as strong as Julian's. [James is giggling in the background as I type this, hysterical in his appreciation of Kelly's imitation of Elmo]. So far, spring is not fully sprung, and I cannot wait until we finally get to kiss the wintry feel goodbye, and properly welcome the feeling of possibility, potential, and positivity that is, for me, what Spring is all about. Deep breath.

I know I think this a hundred times a day, but every now and again, I want to say it. Thank you all again for your support in all its shapes and forms: outspoken, quiet, humorous, anonymous, heartfelt, informative... I have really needed it this past week, and it has been a much appreciated booster. I hope to one day be able to fully convey how much your support has meant to me and how overwhelmingly wonderful it is to know, and personally feel, how much love and encouragement is out there. And that deserves the deepest of breaths.

Hugs to all.