Good Days & Bad Days, But Still Winning this Battle.

Dear All,

Following my last post, your support has come flooding in and, as always, I can't thank you enough for your messages, emails, texts and letters. I know that I am far from alone in this journey, and that even in my darker days, you all are the many lights that remind me that this tunnel has an end point, and that the end point will be a joyous one because there is no possible way that all this love will not lead to a happy outcome. I have my "good" days and my "bad days", my "cancer is just a tiny part of me" days and my "cancer has a hold on me" days... while I do not dwell too much on this disease (or at least try not to), it is incredible how a thought can pop into my head about it, out of the blue. Sometimes something I see or hear can trigger it, sometimes it seems to have come from left field. On a "good" day, the thought leaves me as quickly as it came, on a "bad" day I find myself welling up with tears. It's a process, it's a battle, and every day those "cancer thoughts" venture in a hundred times a day, however fleeting. But even in my worst of moments and patches, I promise you that I never, ever, ever stop fighting. And those who know me well also know that I am not used to failing (the stubborn, determined, arrogant, proud, driven side of me cheers...), and I am certainly not going to start failing now. But heck, this is sure one hell of a hellish ride... So, I vent to you all in this public blog because I know that if you were sitting with me, I would not be attempting a good poker face on those down days. But I would hope that you would also get to see me laugh and bitch in good humour, because that part of me is still there. So know that I am OK, struggling but OK. We're still winning, the f***ker's odds of victory are increasingly appalling, and while weary and worn, I am still standing and strong. And know that I am so grateful to have such an amazing troop to get me through this all.

I have been asked what I do to stay distracted or focused. Surprisingly, I watch little television or movies/videos. My mind wanders more when I am doing that, for some reason. Reading has been a great thing but again, surprisingly, I have found it hard to concentrate on novels, contrary to my usual voraciousness to read fiction. Instead, I have sought biographies or magazines on current events... other people's realities, which remind me how everything is relative, and that every one of us has those good and bad moments to deal with, those battles, regardless of their proportion. Michael J. Fox has recently published a new book entitled "Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" - that is next on my list, when it comes out here in the UK on the 16th. I also find music so helpful. Lately, it has been a mix. Carrie Underwood and the Dixie Chicks for some country tunes, Melissa Ethridge for some meaningful anthems (I love "Run for Life"), Alanis Morisette for some anger release, Andrea Bocelli and Umberto Tozzi for the Italian in me, Josh Groban, Sting and Billy Joel for those mellow of moments, and lots of Bon Jovi. Yes, Bon Jovi has been a huge booster (I know, I know, some of you are cringing as you read this!) - so many happy teenage memories of subjecting my parents to rock and loud ballads as we took endless car trips, so many songs whose lyrics I had memorised and would sing at the top of my lungs with my sister - so I listen to those tracks, oldies and more recent ones, and let myself be carried by music and words that either resonate deeply or are a refreshing stark contrast to my own life as it stands.

I have attached two recent photos of James. He is my brightest light. One picture is of him on our sofa, watching the Grand National - he was transfixed! The other, is a picture that I adore, as I think that it is what joy and love look like when they are bundled together in the sweetest of beings.

Tomorrow I have Round #6, so I will be out of touch for a few days. In the meantime, I wish you all the happiest of Easters with your family and friends this coming weekend. Hugs and more hugs, as always.