A Hard Patch, Which Shall Pass...

Dear All,

It is Sunday afternoon, and I am here in the quiet of my home. I continue to go through a bit of a "hard patch", which is why I have not picked up the phone to call many of you and have not responded to your wonderful emails which always make my day. I know that if I do, I will cry, and as silly as it sounds, I get drained with all the crying I am doing of late. I know that I am so lucky to have you all as shoulders to cry on, as wonderful listeners who would say, "Hey, just get it out". But I just need to calm the taps as I prepare for this coming week. I am so emotional and anxious about this next round, and I need to get it together. So I reach out this way, through the blog, as I know you all read it. Know that I think about you all, all of the time, that I hear your voices in my head, and that I look forward to long conversations soon.

Why all this crying? I know that I am winning this battle. I truly believe that I am beating this. I don't let go of that determination for a second, because it is not an option, because it is not part of the equation of my life as I see it. But I long for normalcy, I long for feeling "well", I long for a glimpse of the end of the road. I get very down out of frustration, out of continued disbelief that this has happened to me, out of wishing that I could have "a break" from this battle, out of wanting simply to live a day without having to think about the cancer. I know I can win this fight, that I can do this, that I AM doing this. It is simply so hard, you know? I can't describe what this journey feels like. One step at a time, one step at a time... I just wish that I could hitch a ride for some of the way....

On a lighter note, Chiara and Anthony took James away to Wimbledon for the day. James was so excited, wiggling as we dressed him in his cute combat khaki pants, stripped shirt, and navy blue outdoor jacket. Julian is down in Sevenoaks, planting the seeds for a huge vegetable patch that will be flourishing with organic goodness later this summer. The goal of them being away was to give me "quiet time" with my wonderful mother, to rest and to recharge as I prepare for chemo. So, we have chatted, we went for a long walk, we have taken things easy. But I have missed my boys, and have found it hard to make the most of this time. Again, I seek the normalcy that is not mine to have right now, and so this "forced" rest has felt difficult to define. That being said, I have smiled at the news that James has loved his day out and is presently all grins for a two year old little girl who he is playing with at the moment at Chiara's apartment, and that Julian is covered in fresh soil, with his dog at his feet, working marvels in the garden as he always does.

Well, enough of my venting. Just one of those hard patches, as I said, that too will pass. I will post photos when I next write, as it has been a while. Hugs to you all, as always.