you are stronger than cancer!

Danda,

I took a hiatus from the blog as I tended to my own maladies all the while reflecting the new road you are on after hearing Dr. Plowman's honest opinion to how you are doing. But the truth of the matter is-- the opinions of one man do not define you. It is just that, an opinion, and you have your opinion which is accepting of the facts, but determined to rewrite them into your own life's story.

Your desire to overcome life's challenges is so strong, but sometimes it takes time and there are some detours you must take. I, myself, am at a speed bump in the road and am forced to slow down when all I want to do is push forward and that is the most frustrating part of all. I have two weeks until my race. I am feeling anxious about it and to top it off I am suddenly faced with a knee injury and mild form of vertigo due to an imbalance in my inner ear-don't ask...but the body is a fascinating and a very confusing thing. I am sure you can agree! But what am I going to do? Certainly not let it stop me from racing. I will slow down. Stay off my knee. Swim using one leg while pulling harder with my arms to propel me forward. I will seek the help of a physical therapist who will try to speed my recovery. I will do everything I am told to try and re-balance myself in time for the race, but the biggest thing I will do is tell myself that I am strong. I tell myself that I have put the time in and my resolve to finish will get me through because at this point I will not stop until I cross that finish line.

And you?! You will not be told what your outcome is and give in to it unless the outcome is favorable and means you will be with us for many years to come. You are our General Grant! I think Joe's ode to Grant was right on-it is those who keep fighting who prevail. You WILL prevail. When others give in, you keep going. When others doubt, you find reason to believe. You have built this life for yourself and it was not easy. There was not a moment that you did not overcome some struggle to get where you are. But you arrived and you will keep building that life because there are so many parts of your life still to be built. And each one of us stands at your side to remind you that you are stronger than any disease that has no voice and no friends--you will push on until it has to retreat because it can't win. You are stronger than this disease. It has nothing in its favor, but time. And Danda, we have time. We have all the time it takes to wear it down until it ceases to exist. It may be long, it may be strenuous, it may be intimidating, but it is doable because anything you put your mind to in this world is doable. I'll see you at the finish! I love you and believe you are the strongest person I know!

Love, Lex

Expect Miracles

Dear Danda, I have been "silent" and yet so present.  I too took some time after your scan results to regather, regroup, REBELIEVE.  If I found it hard, I can´t imagine the battle it must be for you!  But, in the end Believing is the only option, Fighting the only instrument, and Accepting all that you are going through your only shield.  How uplifiting to return to your blog...it radiates so much love and positivity!  In Italian there´s a saying that goes: "Dimmi con chi vai e ti dirò chi sei", in essence pointing to how you can tell how someone is based on who their friends are.  You truly have quite a stunning group of friends and I´m sure there are many more who have not yet appeared on this blog!  You deserve them and I have no doubt that their conscious choice to believe and fight with you, to visualize a future with you, can work miracles.  

I´m sorry if the postcard I´ve attached appears small.  Here´s what it says in French:  

Commencement

Le plus long chemin a aussi commencé par un premier pas!

(Beginning. Even the longest of journeys started with a first step!)

Never forget that you have already taken the first and most important step towards healing.  You chose to believe and fight, and no matter what the obstacles are you keep faithful to your mantra that you are on the Journey of Healing. So many wise words have been posted on this blog...let them be the sun that chases away the dark clouds of anxiety.  And speaking of anxiety....after hearing the news of your last scan results, I knew that your next biggest and toughest battle would be against Anxiety.  I am not proud to say this, but when I was having my blood taken out for a regular health check-up at a Madrid hospital, I suddenly had a shot of anxiety rush through my veins.  A women in the compartment next to mine was having her blood taken out as part of her chemo, and I suddenly wondered how us poor human beings can muster the courage to go through all that you´ve been alluding to (and not detailing) in your blog.  I had a glimpse of the fear, the panic, the anxiety, the suffocated breath, and drooping heart.  That made it all the clearer to me how important it is to have tools, and ideally a wise guide (as you mentioned with reference to a mentor), to help us channel the anxiety.  I believe you can do this too.  You don´t need to contorl or suppress anxiety, but yes channel it so it doesn´t burden your system and so that you may ultimately let it dissolve as quickly as it comes.  In the past week, my best friend who´s in Boston has done some research for you, referring me to some London contacts...I will pass them to you by e-mail.

And speaking of my best friend, tell me this isn´t a sign? :)  When I called her after your (temporarily!) disappointing results, and I asked for her advice on how to help you suddenly she stopped mid-sentence and exclaimed: "Sally, no te lo vas a creer!  A woman just walked into the bookstore and her shirt says...EXPECT MIRACLES!"  More practical advice will come via e-mail, of course, but I couldn´t end this blog entry without sharing this with you as I really feel it expresses the path you have chosen!

And lastly, I thought I´d share some of my caro Papà´s wisdom with you.  During periods where I felt nothing was advancing outwardly and I would get really frustrated, he would remind me not to underestimate what is going on inwardly.  Like a snake that is growing a beautiful, healthy new skin under its old one, you only get to see it once the old one has been shed.  Your Health is growing from your deepest and most hidden layers for that is how true healing happens.  We will all celebrate the day you shed your "cancer skin" but in the meantime we cheer you on and love you as you carry it waiting for the healthy skin to fully mature.

Avanti bella! Con tanto amore, Sally  

PS.  Vicki you´re THE BEST!!!  Mum and I are in constant admiration of you....

undetectable

Dear Alex,

Your last distressed post jostled and saddened me a bit and I have taken a little time to figure out what to say. I am so glad that you are feeling more hopeful now and that you are enjoying James and time with family. I also agree that Dr. Plowman was not entirely encouraging and the truth is that he probably does not wish to offer false hope. But, the truth also is that he does not know. All of our bodies are so different and he has no idea of the power that lies in you.

You are like a Lance. It is not about what the scans reveal- but, what they cannot reveal, what they cannot see. You, similar to Lance, have defined your life. You are not the typical patient, you are not the typical anything....So, please keep your faith and your spirit. Dr. Plowman could not give you different results because what you have inside your soul cannot be measured or even detected. But, it is there. Your soul, your heart, your determination matters. You will prevail despite whatever he says because this undetectable life good stuff (for lack of a better word or phrase) is attacking the cancer and will continue to do so.

You are so loved. Please stay strong and disregard any negative view point- just chalk it up to ignorance. Sending you loads of love and positive thoughts.

-Julie

Things I See...

I see us finally having our children meet.
I see us sharing a cup of tea at 4:00, and a glass of wine at 9:00, and another cup of tea at 11:00 because we can't seem to stop talking while our children sleep.
I see us taking in a show in London when we are 50. Our devoted hubbies are home with the kids, and we are walking arm in arm through a chilly city in October. October because it is my birthday, my 50th, for which I had to go back to London -- my birth place. We wander the city after the show, talking and laughing, wrapped in warm coats and colorful scarves. We are smashing, if I do say so myself.
I see us in Maine when our kids are teenagers. You have been visiting your family in Camden and have come across to Damariscotta for the day. We spend a warm sunny day water skiing, kayaking, watching James and Tessa flirt tentatively. She is a couple of years older, but James' British accent overcomes that age difference. We sauna in the evening and sit on the deck with sauna cooked keilbasa and some brie. Our kids have that slightly painful awkward self-conscious thing going on, and we wince and giggle behind their backs...but they are glorious, none the less.
I see us on the phone with each other from many miles away when our kids leave for college, crying, consoling, laughing at ourselves, remembering the days of missing our boyfriends instead of our children.
I see us exchanging long love letters to each other as we discover our real adult selves in the space that comes with the heartache of an empty nest. You will start painting. Or writing a book. I will become devoted to photography. I'll try spinning pottery on a wheel but I'll be horrible at it; I'll love it none the less and I'll wrap a ridiculously cadywampous vase in a hundred pounds of bubble wrap to send it to you across the sea. Our love letters will be full not only of our new self discoveries (the arts, the soul searching, and the empty house sex with those boyfriends of old who are now our husbands!), but also with prideful, detailed stories about the lives our grown children are living...the jobs they have had and left, the loves they have found and lost, and then, oh my, they have babies and we become grandmas. I think I will be called Nana, and you will be Nonna. We'll enjoy the similarity.
This is what I see. It is real. It exists. It lives. And I believe. Feel the reflection of that, baby! One silver lining of this blip for me is that without it, I might have lost you forever. But now I see all this. And I can't wait. I love you - Lindsay

WELCOME TO MAINE

Yes, Maine.....the way life should be, has been and will be again in the fall when you come across the pond. You remember this guy? It's our Brit after too much work and too much beer. Julian and gardens just plain go together, do they not? Well, Uncle Peter and I arrived in the dark of night and were greeted with mowed lawn (thanks to Don who said he just had to do it or we could have had the first haying!)and a huge vase of lilacs on the kitchen table , courtesy of Diane. I doubt if you could find better neighbors. I got up early unable to resist seeing what damage our winter intruder hath wrought. Not too bad considering. He was not a raccoon, but a large gray squirrel! He ate the window frame and a slipcover, put his little paws all over the place as he romped through the rooms in search of an exit. Alas, he could find none, and in desperation curled up in the library chair and "went to sleep". It must have been pretty cold in the house, because he was still there (in pretty good shape as dead squirrels go). He was laid to rest with much fanfare in the orchard along with several of Pat's cats, assorted sparrows and a hawk. That accomplished, we have turned ourselves to putting in the screen doors, opening windows, moving the VWs out of the barn and getting out the lawn mower. The pond is full to the brim. No cattails. No goldfish either, BUT do we have frogs!?! It is like listening to the Croaking Chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanese. What a symphony! I bet you can hear them down at Lincolnville Beach! So much for the quiet of the North Woods. The strawberries are ripening in the garden and if you want me to send fresh dandelion greens, I can gather up several bushels! That's the extent of my organic garden. It is good to be back. Such a change from the lala land of St. Thomas. Had an email from the Pastor of our church requesting donations for a certain young lady whose dog met up with a porcupine. He lost the battle and needed 40 stitches. Ouch! Costly adventure to the tune of $300. Might the community help out in these difficult economic times? You betcha! It also seems that old Joe who lives up on Rte 52 is moving, but he's too old to do much. Might some people who have pickups give him a hand tomorrow? You betcha! I'll wager that about 20 show up and make light work of it. Who needs Allied Van Lines and a $2000 bill. And that's Maine. And that's community. It's the simple things that bring such fullness to life....it's the way life should be.

Keep the Faith!!

OK, OK, not a very scenic image, but it was the best I could find at this point to cheer you along. And I am cheering you along, because YES YOU CAN DO IT. There is no doubt in my mind, you're going to make it through all this, overcoming whatever obstacles appear along the way. Don't lose faith in Dr. Plowman, though getting mad at him is ok and healthy and he probably expected it. And don't lose faith in yourself. I haven't and won't. I love all the family pictures, and especially the video of Vicki running through London. YOU GO GIRLS!
love and xxx

SO GREAT!!

Hi,
It was so great to see the photos of all. I just love that little James he is way too cute!
You sound great!!
Keep plugging along! It all unfortunately takes time.
Your Person has spoken!!
Love you!
Eve

Embracing All the Good.

Dear All,

Having survived an emotional stretch (understatement!), I wanted to share a few moments of the past two weeks that have brought a smile to my face, for even in the dark times I have regular reminders of the good around me.

• My aunt Lisa and Uncle Geoffrey came to visit me for a few days. It was such a boost to see them, as it was for my mother, and it meant so much to me that they finally got to meet James. James fell in love with them both, no surprises there (see photos). There was much laughter, especially around the dinner table... they both were an injection of wonderful positivity.
  
  
  
• I spent a day at Julian's home in Sevenoaks last weekend, surrounded by his family. It was a lovely warm day, and we sat outside for lunch, and then lazed on the lawn, as you can see in one of the photos above. I had not been there since before my diagnosis, having been too weak or prone to infection to travel anywhere. It was wonderful to see everyone (especially my two little nephews) and to have that change of scene in a place that, before all of this journey, would be a regular destination for me on weekends.
  
  
  
• I saw my mother run the 10k race through London on Monday. There were 12,500 runners, of all shapes and sizes and ages, most raising money for charities. I was so proud, so very very proud, to watch my mother tackle the feat. She ran for me, for Breast Cancer Research, and for all that this journey of mine represents, and it was uplifting and inspiring. She ran the 10k in under an hour, and was in fabulous shape at the end of it. She is a remarkable woman, and she is strong in ways that words cannot fully capture. I have attached a short video we took of her running at the beginning of the race. James was so excited by the whole event!
  
  

I ended up not getting my IV chemo yesterday. My bloodwork came back and my immune system was too low, still suffering the effects of the 7 rounds of heavy treatment which, as Alex the nurse put it to me, "You just finished 7 rounds with Mike Tyson... what else would you expect?" Dr. Plowman reassured me that it was no surprise, and that my body needs a little break to strengthen itself again. So, I have continued on the chemo tablets for the next week, and will simply skip the second dose of IV chemo this cycle. We shall be back on track with both tablets and IV combined, for cycle 2 of this series that begins June 11th. Dr. Plowman also prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication, which I welcomed.

I have visualised and visualised, have upped my nutritional regimen (if that is even possible?!), and have regrouped as best as I can. My dear friend Joe's words in his recent blog post (where he described General Grant), have now become one of my daily mantras: "Cancer, I am not willing to discuss terms. No compromises or temporary cessation of hostilities. I demand that you surrender to my will and spirit, that you clear my system, and that you get the hell out of my life."

Here's to embracing all the good.

Positive Thoughts Always!!

Hi,

We are all pulling for you!! You will become clear! As I said when we first talked about this you have to!! You have no choice but to continue taking care of James, Julian and all the family, friends and children who depend on you, love you and need you.

You have always been there for us, and we are there for you always!! I can't begin to tell you how hard I am praying and saying you WILL beat this. Of course we can say it all we want, but you are going through this and that is what makes me so sad!! I want this over for you and will do all I can to make that happen. I really don't know what to say, but I love you and will see you soon!!! May all your wishes come true and know we are all there with you through this and will do all we can to make those wishes come true!!

I love you with all my heart!!

Eve

Alex-

you know how much I love you and have obvious concern. You also know me pretty well. So I will be usually frank. I know nothing. This is the only credible statement in this message.

Having said this.

I sincerely suggest, as your informal doctor, to think of the most enjoyable, and in my opinion, comical things in your life.....bring positivity and laughter in your mind which could help infiltrate your body.....call it emotional chemo......the body is going through enough, try not to let the mind participate in the insanity.......we will be sharing future times; think of how I willed those Pats super bowl wins.....superficial as it may seem.........I may need to prepare the ultimate floor tantrum....... but I think not, because our collective will and prayers are too great to be defeated........Paintings on the way....

Love

Stephen

The Skies Will Eventually Clear.

Dear All,

I am headed to the hospital in an hour, to get my second dose of IV chemo for this first new cycle.

Thank you all for your messages, as always. I have very much sensed the emotion that you have all felt, I think in reflection to my own reaction of the last week's events, and I have felt the wonderfully strong hugs you have sent me in that emotion.

I now need you all to keep holding onto a true, deep rooted conviction that I am going to be okay, because I need to feel the sun of that reflection on my face. I need to feel that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that I will pull through this, so that my own mind can calm down and shed doubt. I need to believe that people's sadness is because they don't like to see me suffer, and not because they question whether health will prevail. I am struggling so right now, but I will fight this, I will regain my confidence in recovery. And however long the road ahead is, I will get there somehow. And, as my sister says, one day I will bear witness to the biggest fucking rainbow at the end of this horrible rain storm. And you will all share the moment with me. You are my troops, my dearest troops, and when I win this battle, it will be because of all of our combined strength - credit to friendship and family and love.

Anxiety has been the hardest part of the past week, and I have not done too well in keeping that in check. It comes in waves, at times very manageable, at others overwhelming. I plan to discuss with Dr. Plowman today whether medication could be considered to help me with this right now, in the short term of supporting me through the next few months. I went to the Haven for a workshop on stress/anxiety relief, in my active stance of addressing this as holistically as I can. I was in a group of 17 women, all of whom had experienced breast cancer in one form or another. Ironically, by the end of it I felt very much alone - "jealous" of their stories of recovery or the fact that their cancer had not metastasised or that all they had needed was a lump removed and few sessions of radiotherapy... feeling very much that their journey appeared so simple while mine was so complex and monumental. I left more anxious than when I arrived. It is so easy to fall into self pity! I would love to have a mentor of sorts - to be able to meet another woman who has been in my similar position and made it out the other end strong and tough, and in so doing be able to coach me "from the inside" of how to best get through this.

But, regardless, I remind myself that I have my wonderful troops to guide me, and that my inner voice, although frightened and shaky, is still strong. I verbalise my fears, and then I affirm my hope. I focus on the present, dream of a better tomorrow, and plan on a great future. I will get out of this rut, I will overcome this set back. That is all it has been: a set back. I just have to learn to take every round in the ring for what it is: a step by step process. I will get knocked down, but I can punch back just as hard. One round at a time.

It has been wonderful to see new names on the blog (how I miss you all!), and so comforting to know of how many, many blog readers check in on me every day. I will write more later, as I want to share some great shots of the happy highlights that have made me smile in the past few days. Because there are always highlights and silver linings, no matter how dark the clouds above may seem. Let the rain fall, for the skies, I promise you, will eventually clear.

General Grant

Dearest Alessandra,

I read your most recent post with a lump in my throat, not only because I feel for you so deeply but because I am so proud of your fighting spirit.

I like to read about American history, and one of my favorite figures is Ulysses Grant. Grant was a nobody before the Civil War, but he rose to become the commanding general of all of the Union armies and won the war. He went on to serve two terms as president and today he is on the 50 dollar bill.

Grant was successful because he was so much more aggressive than the other generals. When other people didn’t believe that something was possible, he went ahead. In one of his first battles he had the enemy’s fort surrounded. The enemy general sent a messenger out in the middle of the night to find out what terms Grant wanted for surrender. Grant became famous for the reply he sent back: “no other terms than immediate and unconditional surrender”.

That is what I hear you saying to your cancer. You are not willing to discuss terms with your cancer. No compromises or temporary cessation of hostilities. You demand that it surrender to your will and your spirit, that it clear your system and get the hell out of your life.

Grant was not a talkative man, but he had a knack for quotables. Later in the war he was engaged in horrible fighting in Virginia in what turned out to be the closing stages of the war. Everyone expected him to give up and turn back in the face of the resistance he met with, but Grant sent a short telegram back to President Lincoln. It read: “I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer.” Later, he sent a one line message back to the president: “no matter what, there will be no turning back”. Lincoln was so inspired that he kissed the messenger. You won’t turn back, and you will hold your line all summer long.

I’ll leave you with one more thought from General Grant. He tended to win battles because he held on longer, he went on past the time when others would call it quits. Other generals wanted to retreat, but he insisted on carrying on. He later explained it like this: “In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten. Then, he who continues the attack wins.” You are not beaten, and as you continue on past the point when others might not you will find victory.

All of my love,

Joe

Living As If

Hi Alex,

I’ve gone public, but I’m sorry to say that I will still be flooding your email inbox as well.  The way I see it, mail is always a good thing.  Know that you don’t need to respond.  I’m just sending the good thoughts your way and being “connected” to you.

I wanted to reply immediately after reading your post, but couldn’t find the words.  My own anger and denial sometimes interfere with a well thought-out reply.  As you need to regroup, so do I.  I started poking around online for information and books.  Do you have the book Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do?  I have not read it, but it is well received.  It is written by a man who was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1984 and was given 30 days to live by his doctor.  He’s still around and doing well.

The other thing I found was this article on NPR – Laughing Back to Health - http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104139384

Laughing is something you and I have a long history with as is evidenced by the many photos I have in my possession.  I intend to continue with this tradition starting now as I share with you a minor embarrassment – of which you know I have experienced many.  Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I brushed my teeth and then went to close the living room window.  As I was closing the window, I yawned.  Ian was standing near me and I noticed he was looking at my shirt.  I looked down at my shirt and saw the wet spot he was looking at.  Alarmed, I asked, “Did I drool on myself?!”  Ian said, “No you came into the room with that.”  I thought, oh, it must have dripped off my toothbrush, phew, I didn’t drool on myself – but really, phew?  Phew what?  I still had to ask if I drooled on myself, like it was plausible.  And, and I had to ask!  Why?  Because I didn’t feel it dribble out of my mouth?  Anyway, Ian went on to say that it wasn’t the first time that day that I had gotten something on my shirt, which is true.  Earlier I had splattered tomato sauce on my shirt.  Heck, I get something on my shirt just about every day!  Food, drool, spit-up, dirt…  So what I’m really trying to say is, that when you ask us to visualize you battling dentures, I can do that, but not without picturing me sitting across from you in my bib. 

I love you, Alex.  Keep on surrounding yourself with positive thoughts, stories and images.  Live “as if” and it will become your reality. 

Capital sized XOXOXOXO

Wow, Alessandra, what a post.

It's very hard to find the words to express what I would want to tell you--I thought of saying so many things, but they don't really seem effective when I try to type them up. They don't even come out as I feel them. So, I read and reread your letter, then I closed the blog and decided to wait a few hours to see which, among the many messages I wanted to send, would percolate and stay in my mind as what I should say.

The first and most important thought I had throughout is, "Amazing woman". Yes, you are. I am proud of how you're dealing with... Cartman, you have no idea. I feel your pain--at least some of it--and I realize that you have to be an amazing woman to regroup and continue the fight like you are doing after such a conversation with your doctor. How many people do you think have such guts? Lance Armstrong, you, and only few others. The mindset is struggling? How could it not! But your courage in the face of all this is impressive.

The other thing I had in mind came up when you mentioned battling dentures. I pictured you and me sitting together at age 85 comparing dentures. It made me giggle the first time I thought of it and it still does now that I write it down. Do you remember that photo of the two of us my parents keep in a frame in their living room? We were 7 or 8, I think. We're both smiling, and both don't have upper central incisors. Someone will have to take another picture of us when we're in that situation again as old women... even though I suspect we won't like it too much to be caught on camera like that. Anyway, if you don't mind, I'll focus my visualizations on a toothless and smiling old Alessandra--still beautiful, I'm sure.

A big hug.

A Long & Winding Road

Dear All,

I just know that many of you have angsted about my lack of messages since my scan results on Wednedsay, wondering how I am doing. It has taken me a while to get it together enough to write.

Well, it has probably been the roughest set of days in a long time for me. Wednesday's news was terribly difficult to hear: I had so hoped for a clear liver and bones, so that we could work on targeting the breast and lymph node. Instead, I am told of a "plateau" of sorts in some of the shrinkage, and new spots where there should not have been any. After 7 rounds of intense chemo, I expected more. And knowing how this is the toughest of types of chemos for my condition, I again expected more. This "second line of attack" left me very anxious and scared: if the most intense kind didn't work fully, why should this milder combination of two different chemo drugs be any better? I left Dr. Plowman's office a mess, and with a pit in my stomach that made it hard to breathe. Tears, tears and more tears. Thursday was no better: I began my new chemo regime of IV chemo plus oral chemo - my new cocktail for the next nine weeks until I am rescanned. And the whole time I am praying, "Please let this work. Come one, we're on a new track. Please let me be the patient who surprises everyone with how well I respond". But my anxiety was just overwhelming, and I struggled to keep it together. By Friday, I could not stop bursting into tears at any thought, so I called the hospital and asked to meet with Plowman, as I needed a "pep talk", still reeling from the news of Wednesday. Well, I saw him late that afternoon, for all of five minutes, and to tell you the truth our meeting made me feel worse. As he described, my next series of chemos have the goal of trying to "contain" the cancer. I asked about the goal of my eventually "clearing" it, and he said that he fel it was "unlikely". That he would hope to get to a stage that the cancer becomes "dormant" and that I can have years with my son and family...

I lost it. That was NOT what I wanted nor needed to hear. I don't want to "contain", I want to "clear". I don't want "years" with James, I want "a lifetime". I left his office with such desperation, feeling like, "More change has to be possible", "More has to be "likely". If so many people survive this hell and make it through conditions worse than mine, why not me?

So, as you can imagine, the past few days have been extremely emotional for me, as I work on getting my confidence up, on getting my belief in healing rooted again. I still see Plowman as one of my troop leaders, but I cannot accept his view that I most likley can't clear this disease out of my system for good and will have to "live with it" as long as I can. If I let myself think that way, I have panic attacks, I am bombarded with awful thoughts of dying that knock me to the floor, I am flooded with such sadness and such longing for a future with my son and my family that mind becomes an unbearable place and I just can't stop crying. I am told to get angry, and yet I am just deeply deeply sad and terribly afraid in those moments.

So, what now? I need to show Plowman, and anyone who has doubted the fight in me, that I will fight like never before and will beat the odds. I keep my mind as focused as I can. I cannot begin to tell you of how many pep talks I have needed this weekend to just keep me "sane". "You WILL do this" I am told, "You CAN do this", I am encouraged...."You just have to BELIEVE"... "Don't let the cancer get the better of you"... "Shout out: I want to live!!!!!!"

So, what am I doing? Regrouping.

The scans did not show the level of remission in the lymph node, sterum and liver that we had hoped - that is the devastating news that was so hard to hear, especially after 7 rounds. But the scans did show disappearance of my spots on my spine and on my lungs, and my breast HAS gone down significantly. And some of my liver spots had responded well since treatment started (66% reduction), just not gone altogether. And if you compare my body now, to how it was when I was first diagnosed, I have less cancer. I must focus on that.

It seems like my biggest reponse to the chemo came in the first half of the 7 rounds, not the latter half. I believe that my immune system played a huge part in helping me bring about the early improvement in conjuction with the chemo... but with every chemo hit, my immune system got smashed to zero and struggled to build itself up... so, in my mind, the cancer was talking less of a double knock of chemo & immune system, as my cycles went on. Now with this new series of chemos, my hope is that in getting the chemo on a steady, smaller dose and on a daily basis, my immune system takes less of a one-day hit, and therefore can also fight hard. And this cocktail is a new chapter, a new tack, or as my Uncle Geoffrey tells me, "It's a new runway that you have to take off of, but you WILL fly". So, I focus on boosting my immune system as best as I can - I need to keep it strong. I head to see my nutritionist at the Haven this afternoon. I am tired on this new chemo regimen, and need to find ways to boost my energy level. And I often feel pain in my chest, which could be the chemo, or the cancer. No appetite whatsover, but I force myself to eat, and have upped my juicing. I otherwise "look okay". My weight is still up, my bloodwork is still good. You know, I sometimes lie in bed listing all the parts of me that ARE working well, and that I must not forget are there: lungs, heart, stomach, brain, eyes, mouth, ears, nose, hands, feet, arms, legs, spleen, kidneys, intestine, muscles, back....my body is strong.

But, oh, the mind... constantly in my day I battle sad thoughts, desparing images, that I fight away. Fear of not being around, fear of not having the possibility to see James grow up, fear that my life is so vulnerable - simply fear that I will die. It takes your breath away, it is so overwhelming, and then I simply cry it out. I need that emotional release or I will explode. So, I have my moments in my day, when I weep, and then I pick myself up again, a moment passed. Mornings are hardest for me: when I wake up, for a split second I feel "normal", and then reality comes over me like a tidal wave. But I get right up, and head to pick up James, who is usually awake and ready for breakfast. He and I have our special time in the quiet of the morning, and as I hold him and talk to him, I fight hard to assure him that I am not going anywhere, and that although I am scared, I am going to be there for him for always. He see my tears and just touches them, ready to sing another round of "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands", scrunching up his nose in a toothy smile. Oh, how I love my James.

So, my mindset now is struggling greatly, but it will get there. Chiara has been incredible in the talks she has given me - heck, she should be the psychologist, not me. We have spoken about how I have to accept my illness, but not accept that I can't clear it. That I need to let out the sorrow and despair I feel, but not let that take over who I am. That I must put the cancer in its place and live my live as normally as I can every day. That I must not give Plowman the complete power to dictate my attitude nor my hopes and expectations. That I must not focus on the pain that I feel in my chest, or the tiredness that underlies my actions, but do my best to flow with them, as they will be there for a while so I must live with them. That I need to recognise and hold onto how much incredible love I have in my life, what wonderful support, what truly amazing friends and family, and that with all that posivity, the only possible outcome is healing. I mean, this story just HAS to have a happy ending. I just have to really believe it, even when I am thrown these huge curve balls and shitty outcomes. Truly believing, on weeks like this, is so hard, but I am working on it and fighting for it, with my all.

I am on a marathon, I just don't know how long it is really going to be - that's the daunting part. I just have to believe that I WILL cross that finish line: drained, tired, struggling, but not beaten. I will show Plowman that "containing" feels like second best, and that's not good enough for me. I will "clear" this - however long it takes me to do this, and as long as I have all of you with me. I must learn to control the fear and taper the desperation and sadness when they come, and turn my attention to the progress I have made, and to the progress that lies ahead, behind every corner of this winding road. I deserve that peace of mind. I have worked hard for and will continue to work hard for, that "clarity". Besides my licensing exam :-) and a math test in 7th grade, I have never failed anything I have set my mind to achieve, and have worked my ass off to get there. I tell myself, that this should be no different. It's the stress of the undefined journey, the darkness of some thoughts and passages, and the silent prayers that beg for reassurance, which makes this marathon so gruelling for me.

So, I need you all to visualise my liver and my sternum clear and healthy, to picture me sharing a meal with you when I'm old and battling dentures, to imagine me telling you stories of James' graduation, to envision my coming to visit you all sometime soon - with a lightness to me, because I will have finally put down the load and felt "whole" again. I will have the marathon's finish line banner wrapped around me, a pashmina of sorts, and I will finally be able to sit down and take off my running shoes.

As you all know, Lance Armstrong's books have really really helped me, and I often turn to them for comfort. I leave you with this quote from his book, Every Second Counts:

"You know when I need to die? When I am done living. When I can't walk, can't eat, can't see, when I am a crotchety old bastard, mad at the world. Then I can die... Life is about teeing the ball up high and hitting it hard while trying
not to lose control. And if you shank it, then go and find your ball and try it again...because the way you live your life, the perspective you select, is a choice you make every single day when you wake up. It's yours to decide".

And, lastly, Chiara left me a card under my pillow with a quote and message that I also wanted to share:

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you sometimes have to put up with the rain [Dolly Parton]... Danda, I figure the worse the rain, the bigger the rainbow. So just you wait, just wait for the biggest fucking rainbow you have ever seen."

One last thing: some of you, over the past few days, have sent me emails and left me voice mail messages, all of which I have yet to answer. But know that I treasured every one of them, and felt your presence next to me. I love you so much. And the biggest of hugs to you blog writers and readers, and to the growing troop of well-wishers which protect me from all sides.

Metaphors

Dear Panda,

From the latest posts I learned the following:
The WWF mission is to get you to Ithaca. In order to do that, we will all have to get drunk on many Alessandra cocktails. Then your part will be to kick Cartman in the face, or even better hit him from the back, because he doens't play by the rules, and then lie down and let yourself recharge and grow like lettuce. Our part will be to send you all the loving kindness we can, and thus will change the crime rate in London (keep an eye on the news), the water you drink (starting to look a little pinkish? no worries, it will taste better than lemonade), and everything else around you while we change everything else inside you.

How's that for a morning thought? (sounds more like an evening thought after many beers? well, it's not even 7 am here...).

Hugs.

Intention -- For All Readers!

I am so sorry the news was not all you wanted it to be. It must be such a challenge to find the wind to fill your sails again and again and again. But fill them up, baby. I so believe, like you and everyone here, that you intention to heal, and our intention to help you do it, is a tremendously powerful medicine. Have you ever heard about the study about the efficacy of the Loving Kindness Meditation? The details escape me, so this is far from a scientific report (obviously). But here is the gist. Hundreds of Buddhist monks came to Washington, D.C. for a conference. While they were there they ran an experiment. They spent an entire day (maybe less...one of the slippery details...but the story is better if you tell it with conviction...) sitting together in a Loving Kindness Meditation. This is a silent meditation where you send your thoughts out into the universe with the intention of giving your love and your kindness to yourself, your loved ones, your neighbors, your town, your state, your country, your planet, etc., in ever growing arches. The crime rate in Washington D.C. that day plummeted. It fit no previous patterns, there were no other explanations. There were fewer people doing harmful things to each other that day. Here's another one that drives the point home even further when we are talking about physical healing. Scientists examined water molecules under high powered micrscopes. They noted and documented the boundaries and edges of the cells, the symmetry or lack there of, the clarity versus fog of the water, etc. etc. Then they had people send negative thoughts and words to the water -- harmful intention. Another group sent positive thoughts and words to the water -- healing intention. Those fuckin' water molecules CHANGED!!! The ones that received harmful intention became, well, biologically uglier. They lost boundaries, they lost symmetry, they lost clarity, etc. The water molecules that received healing intention, well, I think you see where I am going with this. They became clear, symmetrical, boundaried, even aesthetically beautiful. If memory serves, I read about these studies and even saw photos of the water molecules in a very cool subway display in Washington, D.C. So, keep that positive intention flowing, Alex and everyone else!!! And as powerful as intention is, there is also something to be said for modern medicine. It sounds like Dr. Plowman is amazing. I also can't help but wonder about something I saw on the science channel recently. It was about a new treatment for cancer that is under investigation. It is an agent that gets transported through the blood, like chemo. But unlike chemo, it is not active in the entire system, and is only toxic to the tumor. The television show was about an Indian man receiving treatment somewhere, can't remember where. I bring it up to see if anyone might know what I am talking about? I know there are a hundred barriers in the way to being able to make use of a new treatment that is still under investigation, but I can't gold back from trying. Anyone? Alex, oh, to give you a hug. I'm sending you all my most powerful healing intention. I love you - Lindsay

finding calm

Vicki, spoke with Mom this morning and she said you finished...despite the pollen! I can't imagine what that must have felt like. If it's not one thing to challenge you during a race it is another. Congrats on running a good race despite the obstacles! Hopefully you could find some calm in the run after the drizzle improved the air quality? What was it like running for a cause that you raised so much money for? Must have felt rewarding!

Danda, hope that you are doing ok since your first treatment. I hear it is making your more tired than nauseous and I hope that is the case. At least if you are sleeping you can go to that happy place and dream of brighter days that you will have in the near future. Wrap yourself in that turquoise throw and dream of water--be it pool or sea for that is where you will find calm. I am sure of it...

You also have a couple of new friends who have joined the front lines of the blog--Caroline McCabe and Jessica Perez. They will be good reinforcement in the next couple of months! They send you all their best and want you to know that you are on their mind.

Love and hugs,
Alexis

Go Sis!!!!!!

I think you can. I know you can. You will. Run like Seabiscuit! Like King of the Wind! Like Man O' War!Like the Big Bad Wolf was chasing you! Fleet of foot, Toots! Breathe deeply, Big Ben will be watching! Hugs.

Journeys

Ithaca (C. Kavafis 1911)

As you set out for Ithaca
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you' ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaca always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to make you rich.

Ithaca gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

Alessandra, what you are experiencing now is only a small part of your journey to Ithaca. You will never fall prey to the Laistrygonians, Cyclops, or angry Poseidon , because your heart and spirit are stronger than they are. And all of us on this blog, visible or invisible, readers and contributors will be sailing with you until you reach safe harbour.

Go, Zia Vicki Go!

Dear Zia Vicki,

Tomorrow is the big day, isn't it? Are you ready? We're all behind you (and in a more literal sense, personally I couldn't be anywhere but behind...)! I read on the official web site of the Bupa London 10K that Channel 5 in UK will do a live coverage of the race. If I manage to find some site on the internet that broadcasts Channel 5, I'll definitely try and see if I get a glimpse of you running.

Good luck and ali ai piedi!

life's imperfections

Anthony, welcome! I love Cartman; I think he is hilarious. Danda, could surly kick his little A$$ all over the block and I know she will!

Since Anthony has come at this with humor I thought I would follow his lead by sharing my stories from my life in the last couple of weeks. Hopefully these will leave the Priorelli/Murdoch clan laughing as they can probably see bumbling through all of this:

1) Well, you all know I have been trying to grow a garden with mixed results. But I haven’t told you about my tomatoes. I figured if my Dad can grow tomatoes I surely could. They seem to be doing well despite my care. When they began to grow small yellow flowers appeared. I had always heard of plants going to seed and generally that meant flowers appearing so in my infinite wisdom I thought if I pluck the flowers off the plant would thrive. Come to find out the flowers ARE the tomatoes. Shit. Despite my stupidity my tomato plants are thriving and I have seen my first tomatoes appearing-there is a God! Julian, stop laughing

2) I recently presided over one of my best friend’s weddings in Sonoma. She planned the entire wedding herself so I am not sure why I thought on her wedding day that she would suddenly become disorganized? I thought better that I take her vows to the wedding and I could keep them with the notes I had for the ceremony. Well, five minutes before we were set to begin I was asked for the vows and sure enough they were nowhere to be found. I advised the bride I didn’t have the vows. She laughed, asked if I was kidding and then promptly asked for a pen and paper. In a matter of minutes which felt like an eternity to me and probably even longer for her groom to be was standing up in front of the crowd wondering if his bride was getting cold feet. Most likely impossibility since she had wanted to marry here for the full four years they had been dating.

When the vows were short-handed on a scratch piece of paper she said Alexis I’m ready to get married, let’s do it. With me sweating, dry mouthed, and still trembling I bobbed and weaved my way to the front of the seated crowd where I tried to look cool under pressure, only to learn that both the groom and the other officiator had already blown my cover and everyone knew what had happened. Despite the mishap the entire ceremony went off without a hitch and they were married. Speaks volumes about the bride’s grace under pressure and that vows do some directly from the heart since she uttered them without an hesitation. I fear for my wedding day!

3) I have recently had to start swimming with a wetsuit on in preparation for my upcoming race. This is never something that I look forward to since I think a wetsuit is very constrictive when swimming. But nevertheless it is mandatory in the race and actually helps your race time by helping your buoyancy.

So in the water I go with my wetsuit sucking me in like a sausage casing! By the time I got to the first buoy I was feeling constricted and out of breath. I treaded water until I could get my breathing under control and then put my head down and started to swim. Less than a minute later I stopped and was out of breath again to the point that I was a bit panicky and reverted to floating on my back. I continued in this pattern of stopping, floating and starting again for half a mile and then became so exacerbated by the whole thing I swam myself to shore shaken by the defeat before someone thought I was a beached seal floating out in the water!

It took me another three weeks to gain enough courage to get back in the Bay with my wetsuit, fearful of the thought that I would not ever manage swimming in the wetsuit (although I had done this before successfully in prior triathlons). Mind over matter? So yesterday I suited up again and with everything against me- choppy water, a headwind and a fog bank lurking in the distance I walked into the water and paddled out to the first buoy. At that point I paused, caught my breath, put my head down and began to swim. Swimming with confidence, but just enough fear that I dug in and swam harder. Alessandra, I swear you were by my side the entire way. Every time I dug my hand into the water and saw the bubbles form the impact I saw you looking right back at me with a determined face. It was invigorating. I truly have never felt so connected to the water-thank you for getting me through this training-you are my inspiration!! Doin’ it for Danda is never far from my mind. Oh, and I managed to shave five minutes off my mile and half swim time-miracles never cease!

4) Ok, last one. My boyfriend, Jeff, laughs at me daily as he sees me try to pack for work. My coffee in a to go mug, lunch, workout gear for the day and all the while my trying to figure out what mode of transportation will I take to get there and back.

Off I go with my bike and backpack piling over head. My ride to work was seamless. The day was done; work had me stay late which caused me to miss my swim so I decided to take the ferry home to go for a run back in Sausalito. Of course, leaving just enough time to make the ferry I left work and missed the ferry by literally a minute. After much pleading to get on the ferry, it pulled away from the dock. Frustrated with the whole situation I decided to try and take the bus home. Mind you this would not be a big deal, but I had not ever tried to put my bike on the bus before because all the contraptions to do so intimidated me, but it was my only choice.

So off I ride again to the bus stop. Ugh, here comes the bus barreling down the street. I flag it down and up pulls the bus. With some relief this bus had a front-loading bike rack, which was not nearly as intimidating as the side-loading compartment. I stepped in front of the bus and with no problem loaded the bike on. That is what I was so fearful of I thought to myself! Goodness. But I did struggle with the thought of my bike shaking lose on the way home and it being run over by the bus. I sat as close to the front as I could and kept peering over the seats to make sure it was still there, as if I could do anything if it did shake lose and as if I wouldn’t feel the thump if we run over it! But we did make it home in one piece and from the bus experience was able to find a silver lining to the whole day-I can now ride the bus with my bike-it’s kind of like taking the training wheels off!

Well, that’s it. Hopefully some amusement for the Priorelli/Murdoch clan-I will be hear all week and am sure I can find more where all that came from-it is just how my life goes!

Lots of love,
Lex

Phase Two: The Gloves Are Off

Hi all, long time reader, first time blogger.

This is a little diddy I heard from those geniuses on the writing staff of South Park, one of my favourite shows. A brief background: Cartman is the annoying fat kid on the show, that no-one can stand....

Cartman is pure evil. He is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed. When there is Cartman, you have to fight it. You can't reason with Cartman, Cartman doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you. You have to be willing to change your life as you know it, because it will take everything if you let it. When you deal with Cartman you fight, because you refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless!

There is no doubt in my mind that with Alessandra at the centre of the fight and all of us there to help her, she will kick that fat little bastard out of her life forever.

Anthony (of Chiara and Anthony)

No easy victories

Alessandra, I was heartened to read all the messages following your latest entry, even though your own words acted on me like the seventy pound backpack they strap on you for a glacier crossing in the NOLS program. (Our eldest son Sam remembers that from Alaska as one of the hardest times in his life, emotionally as well as physically. The urge to quit had never been so palpable!!) OK, so time for a little faltering maybe but then it's necessary to regroup, eat your spinach like Popeye, and flex those muscles to take on the bad guy again. Your troops are all here, mustering for another seige, looking to you for continued inspiration, and trying to flood you with our combined indefatigable psychic energies and confidence in you. If ever there was a person who could shoulder an almost inhuman burden and trudge over a hostile glacier, putting one foot doggedly in front of another, it is YOU. It's bitter cold and sometimes you are horribly alone and the wind buffets you something fierce and maybe some numbness creeps in...but there's a finite distance you have to travel and someone behind you is putting her boots in your footprint and thanking you from the bottom of her heart and there's a meal to cook over a bunsen burner and a really warm sleeping bag to climb into soon and you CAN DO THIS you say to yourself because there is no turning back and you need to get out of the cold, slip that backpack off, and let the camraderie of your fellow climbers envelop you, making you smile and even laugh.

The next time I write, I will send you a picture of our newest grandchild, Cecilia, five days old now, a little six pound angel, the first for our youngest son Jim and his wife Susannah. Naturally the first word I thought of when I heard her name was "Jubilation!" That is ALSO what we are all going to say one day soon when you've licked your battle. We LOVE YOU.

COCKTAILS, ANYONE?

You are cordially invited for cocktails at Doctor Danda's Blog site, any day, any time, to sample an "ALESSANDRA", the latest in the barman's roster of designer drinks. It is a fairly heady concoction, so potent, in fact, that it is guaranteed to boost your immune system as well as create partial anesthesia, resulting in a pleasantly foggy haze. Some who partake may become over-stimulated, while others may be able to handle a second or third without any deleterious effects. The recipe, unlike that for CocaCola, can no longer be kept secret, which, for the benefit of mankind, measures up favorably with some of the greatest drugs ever invented. An "ALESSANDRA" is addictive, BUT has been given global approval by virtually every agency. The recipe is very exact as to ingredients, but amounts can be tailored to the individual which, of course, makes it an ideal libation. The recipe follows:
4 Jiggers of Bravery or Courage
3 Jiggers of Tenacity
2 Jiggers of Spirit
1 Jigger of Calm
1 Jigger of Clarity
1/2 Jigger of Grace
3/4 Jigger of Regret
2 1/2 Jiggers of Resilience
A liberal spalsh of Humor
Serve straight up or on the rocks - Stirred not shaken
Serve in crystal glass of Prayer
Garnish with Love, Hope and Empathy

Cheers!

how does your garden grow?

Danda,

The news was not as you wished...but the news not worse than when you started treatment. Is there a silver lining there? Hard to find sometimes, but I think it is there if you choose to acknowledge it.

I can understand disappointment. I think we all experience it in different ways. I experience it in looking at the "garden" I once that I was growing that has failed me. Or has it? I look at the beds I planted and think maybe I need to make some adjustments-are they all in too much shade and need more sun if I can find it? I look at the eight lettuce plants I planted and see that only four remain. They are small and fragile, but maybe, just maybe will grow if I watch them carefully and give them lots of attention. And then I look to the herbs. The cilantro is all but a weed, but the parsley right next to it flourishes. The chives look like, dare I say, yet another weed, but the thyme surrounding it abounds.

I want to throw up my hands on the whole thing because this garden I dreamed of upon moving to Sausalito is not what I had hoped or envisioned. Giverny it is not! But it is mine to do with what I can. Although I feel defeated I push on caring for what I have left and trying to make the best of it. Perhaps I will plant more seedlings and change my method of caretaking, perhaps I will choose new plants that perhaps will have a better chance of surviving. My reality is altered, but I will do with it what I can. But I will not give up. You will not give up because once the inital disappointment wains you will say this is a new day, a new treatment and a new chance to beat this thing. I know this because you and I are a lot alike-- stubborn and determined! No matter how tired we get we push on because there is a finish line and we want to cross it!

I love you, like I love my lettuce! Ha!

Lex

message from copenhagen

Dear Allessandra,
After so many years it is very difficult for us to express our feelings about the process you have to deal with during the last months. It is impressive to see how many dear friends and family are supporting you every day and we do sincerely hope that our humble share in joining this emotions and sympathy will contribute to your strength and perseverance. We do believe that you have the courage to make it!
Lots of Love
Niek and Miriam

ABOVE AND BEYOND

Dearest Danda - London to St. Thomas - a hop, skip and a jump thanks to engineers who have created the great metal birds of the sky that fly us hither, thither and yon. As I looked out the window, almost blinded by the sun, I ruminated on how I was just hanging there in an endless unknown of space, blue and bluer at the end of my vision, elusive in color just off the wingtip of my mode of transportation. I know about "lift" and "thrust" and a hundred formulas and laws that keep a plane in the air, but I don't understand them and never will. I prefer "free flight" - that fanciful illusion of just hanging there in space as the world whirls below me. "Slipping the surly bonds of earth" is surely a fantastic, almost unbeatable happening. Get through these next rounds of chemo, which is your earthly tether, and then grab a plane for Spain, where sunshine and a garden and your old room beckons. James and you can loll by the pool, and Mum can bring you iced, green tea with lemons floating, for color, in the glass. But while you are on the plane, marvel at "free flight". Keep the image in your mind over the next weeks. Hang in there. LSC

It's always been under everybody's eyes

Panda Will Win the Fight!

A New Path Not a New Outcome

Hi Alex,

I, like everyone else, was waiting to get home and check for an update. I know that the results have helped your team decide what to do next and I have no doubt that, while there is a slight change in the treatment protocol, there is no change to the outcome. You will get to the finish line and like a marathon runner, you will let your body heal and you will live better and stronger than ever. Of course I wish this marathon had less hills, a few more breaks and perhaps a short-cut, but you are making the steady progress that is required not only to finish, but to do it still standing.

I know that you have put a lot into these results, but really they are most meaningful for your medical team so that they may fully attack the cancer and apply the best technology with the best minds so that you can have the best life. The other half of your treatment is equally important - James, family and friends, juice, breathing, broccoli, green tea, fresh air, and as many good moments as possible. You could not be making better progress in the part that you control!!!

Lots of hugs.

Love,
Lisa S

The Healing Power of Friendships

Oh I love dear Mary's post - the most aggressive treatment of all is not giving up. I also read today that women's friendships promote health, improve prognosis, and lengthen life - research proven!!! (You know me and research.) You, and all of your hundreds of friends and family may enjoy the link, which I'll put at the end. Seemed there was also something in there about the NUMBER of close friends, and my dear Danda, you top the charts on that. I've commented repeatedly how wonderfully astounding is the amount of love on this blog. I also have the special position of seeing how many different people donate to your Whole Foods fund - friends and relations from all countries, from all eras of your life! And some who have not seen you in ages (I have a couple messages I need to get to you!). You touch a lot of hearts, Alessandra, and you can be sure that all those hearts touch you back and heal you. We're all in this for the long haul, and when you need to breathe, there are so many around to help carry you.

Love you,
Katherine

http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052970204830304574131491060933358-lMyQjAxMDA5MDIwMDEyNDAyWj.html

The Most Aggressive Treatment!

My dearest friend,

As I read your update today, I, like all of your friends and family wished I could take this pain away from you. Like you, I was a bit scared about the news. Then, I started to look around at where I was and chose to see my situation as a sign. I was at a Wellness Conference and sitting beside me is a woman I work with, who happens to be a breast cancer survivor. So, you see, I let my fear go and chose to see the fact that I was listening to sessions all day about WELLNESS and the fact that I was sitting next to a SURVIVOR, to be a sign that although it may be taking longer than you hoped...you too my friend are one day closer to the day you are completely WELL and can call yourself a SURVIVOR! Indeed, you have already survived so much and just as any warrior, with every hurdle, I believe your strength grows.

As I sat there today, reading your post, I shared your story with the woman next to me. She asked me to share with you this thought, which she has learned from her own fight against breast cancer, which is now 5 years behind her. She said that the most aggressive treatment is to never give up, EVER!

So my friend, keep believing and don't give up, EVER! None of us will. We will be here fighting with you until you can say that all of this is behind you.

I love you with all my heart.

Mary

Gently...

Dear Danda, words seem superfluous  at this time when the fears and worries must seem more powerful than anything else.  But here is a word I found peace and an untiring lesson in as it hung on the wall next to my bedside  for over a year ...Doucement...Gently...Be gentle on yourself, querida, if there´s any perfectionism still hovering around let go of it, and take it one little step at a time as you´ve done so courageously up till now.  I hope you will feel all the love and positive wishes with you during the scary treatments.  I pray that you may feel all the healing energy seeping into you and bringing you the inner peace that will get you through this. Un abbraccio fortissimo...

Focus on the positive.

Dear Alex

Giovanna has nailed it.  She wrote so perfectly how I feel.  You can beat this.  You will beat this. Breathe and focus on the positive.

How are your lungs?  CLEAR!!

How is that breast tumour, the source of the problem?  CONTINUES to SHRINK... Excellent, just absolutely fabulous.  It continues to shrink its way into NON-EXISTENCE.

Oh, but what about the spine, there was that spot on the spine?  GONE, BLASTED AWAY, GONE.  It is no more a focus of clinical attention.  How amazing is that? No more spot on the spine!

You and your chemo, and your focus on the positive and your healing visualisations, and your troops and our prayers and your family and your beautiful boy and all the infinite love we have for you has chiselled away at the cancer in those areas.  That is undeniable progress.

OK, next you will turn your attention to those pesky liver spots and the other areas in need of focus.  You can do it.  You are already doing it.  You have already made significant progress.  The lungs are clear.  Clear.  Clear.  The spine is clear.  Clear.  Clear.  Your body has started to learn how to do this.  You are fighting. You are winning. The tide is turning.  You can do this.  Breathe.  Focus on the positive. We will love, support and carry you through in any way we can.  Your family and the lovely James will work their magic.  The treatment will work.  Dr Plowman will get you into remission.  This is working.  It's just a b--ch of a steep climb.

Breathe.  Focus on the positive.  Breathe.  

With so much love.

You will find the energy and you will fight

Alessandra, please, breathe, focus on the positive, focus on the positive, focus on the positive. The breast shrinks, the lungs are clear, the base of the spine is clear. Trust the doctor. He knows.

You don't know if all bad cells are supposed to react the same way and at the same speed. Maybe some are just slower. Maybe some only need the boost of novelty to disappear. The new chemo regimen will give them that. It is likely that Dr. Plowman couldn't give you too many details in the emotional state you're in, but he probably expected that not all cells would show the same type and amount of change with respect to Round 4.

I understand how difficult it is to not let your mind wander now. Please don't. Please focus on the positive. Focus on the positive. Focus on the positive. You will fight this. As Chiara said, it's just a matter of how long it will take. You are not alone, you will not be alone, you will find the energy and you will fight. Focus on the positive.

Hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs.

An Update.

Dear All,

Have just returned from the hospital. It's been a rough afternoon. The scans have shown little change since Round #4. Liver spots have not shrunk any more, and there are some new small spots there. There is a lesion on my sternum that remains unchanged as does an area on my pelvis apparently. And my lymph node has grown. Good points are that the breast tumor continues to shrink, my lungs are clear, and a spot at the base of my spine is gone. But I am clearly upset and emotional at the news. And very scared.

The next step is that in addition to the oral chemotherapy they are adding a second IV chemotherapy on top of that, which I will be given on Days 1 and 8 of the 14 days of oral chemo. It means being hooked up at the hospital on those days, but only for 15-30 minutes. I get a one week breather after the 14 days, and then we start all over again. The hope is that this new and different double dose of chemo drugs will clear up my liver and sternum, so that we can finally remove the lymph node and breast. The goal is do do three full cycles, starting tomorrow morning, and then rescan. That takes me to the end of July.

Through my tears, I again asked Dr. Plowman if he believed that I would make it, and he looked at me and said, "I will get you into remission. It is just going to take longer." I have to believe that he means it. I have to believe that this is all going to work out. If I let my mind wander, I can't breathe. I held James so tight when I got home, and whispered to him that I loved him with all of my heart, and that I am not going anywhere. He and my family and you all will give me the strength to give this next chapter my all.

Please keep those good vibes and prayers coming. I need them now more than ever. Hugs and more hugs, and a million thank yous for your love and support in this fight.

Muovo Le Ali di Nuovo

Hi Danda, it´s late at night and I´ve just come back from an amazing Tiromancino concert...as an Italian group they´re so little known in Madrid that David and I were in the very first row and got to live the most amazing concert!  The title of one of their songs is the title of this post because as I listened to it, I thought of you.  The lead singer of Tiromancino mentioned how the song had become his "mantra" during hard times.  He composed it when he was not yet famous and struggling with a low period of his life, where he couldn´t see the light.  To him, this song still represents the confirmation that there is always hope if we can persevere and be faithful to our true nature: 

Muovo le ali di nuovo 

verso un posto nuovo 

muovo le ali di nuovo 

perchè cerco un posto nuovo 

muovo le ali di nuovo 

verso un posto nuovo diverso

I´m sure that you´re receiving more than thousands of wishes, way beyond what you see on this blog!  Imagine if we each had to write a word each time we dedicated a positive, loving and hopeful thought for you...we´d be scrolling the blog to infinity!!!  Tomorrow (or, rather, today....I couldn´t go to bed before sending you a written thought!) is a BIG day, but maybe not so big as we all want to make it.  Your wise sister has hit the nail on the spot: don´t put too much pressure on one day.  This is a journey, a long journey testing your patience, determination and faith to its limits, but it´s a JOURNEY.  I chose these photos because to me they symbolize the essence of "being with it". Whatever comes let it be....look at it from the shore, observe it from afar.  Then, when you´ve found your centre, your breath, your essence...get up and continue the fight whatever shape or form it may take.  You deserve that time onshore, in silence, motionless, listening to the stir or peace inside you, giving your emotions the space they need.  Danda. all this is so easy to say but so hard to implement, but if you can...do it for yourself.  Accept it all, the good and the bad and that will help you set sail again as I´m sure you will!  We are all blowing as hard as possible to make sure the wind blows in your favour!!!!!

All my thoughts and prayers are with you, and much love from Mum Linda:)  Coraggio bella!  Sally