I Dream of Mother's Years.

Dear All,

Sunday morning, and I am here in bed, still at the hospital. The past couple of days, since my admission on Thursday night, have seemed endless.

Friday was "let's-try-to-figure-this-out" day. I had blood taken what felt like a hundred times, for cultures, for counts. I had a chest x-ray, as another avenue to seek a possible source of infection. I spiked a fever twice during the course of the day which put a sudden stop to two blood transfusions (a third attempt at giving me a blood transfusion was successful by dinner time...). Spiked another fever in the middle of the night and my blood pressure dropped to 75 over 50, requiring additional intervention.

Saturday was "let's-stay-the-course" day. All the blood tests and cultures and x-rays came back negative; i.e., yes, I had some form of a bacterial infection, but "where" and "what kind" was unknown. The goal became to monitor my temperature and my blood pressure, which the team did, and has been doing ever since my admission, every couple of hours. I developed a sore throat, but my temperature remained normal and my blood pressure low but passable. I was given a second blood transfusion. Last night I was up at 12:00, 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00 for check ups/monitoring (all good) and awful night sweats (yes, four of the them, not so good) that required complete changes of pyjamas and towels every time.

Sunday has been so far "come-on-body-let's-come-out-of-this" day. No fever, and blood pressure is stable. I remain hooked up to IV fluids 24 hours/day, which has been the case since my admission, so the IV pole and I are now comfortably joined at the hip. Still getting IV antibiotics, still getting the bone marrow boosting injections. If the fever is gone for good, the aim for discharge is to get my immune system back up. Initially at zero, it had improved by only a couple of decimal points in 48 hours so requiring a jump start was an understatement! I have just been told that my level this morning is 1.8… we’re getting there. I need to reach at least 3.0 to be discharged. My other blood levels have also begun to climb nicely. Come on body, let's build it up.

So, yes, the days here have seemed endless, as I sit in this hospital room on my own. Julian and my mother have come to visit, but just briefly in order to minimise the risk of infection. The nursing team have been great, as always, and the connection one develops with them is always a comfort. They have shared stories of their own families, hardships, sacrifices, and dreams. I have heard narratives of flight phobias, holiday plans, cultural traditions, work frustrations, and political views. The team has made me laugh, and has shown me compassion when witnessing my fighting back the tears. As always, I am so grateful for the care I receive. I have read, I have watched television, I have seen clips of interviews on You Tube (you must check out Ellen Degeneres and Gladys, an 88 year old woman from Texas who calls in and becomes a regular on the talk show. A natural, a hoot, and who can’t use a good laugh? Search for one of the clips entitled “I Love Jesus but I Drink a Little”, and then you’ll find a bunch of other links to more clips…I needed the giggles.) And I have visualised, and focused my thoughts on getting better. I have had my low moments, but those are now an accepted part of this journey, and they pass.

And how I miss my James!!! I hear his squeals of happiness in the background when I call home, and his coos when Julian or my mother hold the phone to his ear so that I can talk to him. I miss his kisses, his smiles, his baby scent, his soft skin, his wispy hair, his chubby toes, his strong hands, his big blue twinkling eyes, his curiosity and excitement…. I want to be home so badly. We’re hoping for Tuesday, but I am learning to have to simply take one day at a time. My body will tell me when it is ready. But oh, how I miss my little one.

So to all you mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day. And to the rest of you, you have mothered me in so many wonderful ways with all your love and support, so Happy Mother's Day to you too! As I lie here, my hope for myself goes beyond the emotion I feel on this Mother's Day… I dream, with all my heart and through quiet prayers, about Mother's Years.