It's O.K. to Let the Tears Fall.

Dear All,

Just a quick note as I am tired, and need to get my mind and body strong for tomorrow's scans. I can't thank you all enough for all of your messages of encouragement. I need them, as admittedly I am so anxious about this week. My father asked me tonight on the phone, "Did you cry today?", and I answered, "I cry a little every day", which is true. Sad tears, scared tears, angry tears, happy tears... each day brings with it a need for "release", even if just a few moments long. The past few days have been hard because of the anticipation ahead and because of how badly I hope and pray that the outcome continues to be positive. And so the tears have been a little more prominent, the "release" that little more necessary. But as I shared with my father on the phone, today I cried out of pride... I was so proud of James today. He is such a "good" boy - so happy, so social, so sweet, so settled... he has spent the weekend surrounded by people and has simply loved it and has been a joy to be around. He has learned to clap in response to the song, "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands", and his glee is infectious as those pudgy hands come together. He had us all in giggles. And then he just kept clapping and clapping, revelling in the laughter it generated from his audience. I still look at him and marvel that he is mine, that that bundle of "goodness" belongs to me. When I think of my cancer I often ask myself, "What did I do to deserve this?", and I cry sad tears. Well, today, I cradled James in my arms and, as I kissed the top of his head, I asked myself the same question, "What did I do to deserve this?", and cried thankful tears for such a wonderful blessing of goodness in my life.

I am off to bed in a minute, hoping to fall asleep visualising my healing body. No more tears. Tomorrow I will hold onto all those positive thoughts and carry them with me through the scans. The results will be Wednesday. I am aiming high, far and beyond. I am aiming for lots of happy tears.