The Skies Will Eventually Clear.

Dear All,

I am headed to the hospital in an hour, to get my second dose of IV chemo for this first new cycle.

Thank you all for your messages, as always. I have very much sensed the emotion that you have all felt, I think in reflection to my own reaction of the last week's events, and I have felt the wonderfully strong hugs you have sent me in that emotion.

I now need you all to keep holding onto a true, deep rooted conviction that I am going to be okay, because I need to feel the sun of that reflection on my face. I need to feel that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that I will pull through this, so that my own mind can calm down and shed doubt. I need to believe that people's sadness is because they don't like to see me suffer, and not because they question whether health will prevail. I am struggling so right now, but I will fight this, I will regain my confidence in recovery. And however long the road ahead is, I will get there somehow. And, as my sister says, one day I will bear witness to the biggest fucking rainbow at the end of this horrible rain storm. And you will all share the moment with me. You are my troops, my dearest troops, and when I win this battle, it will be because of all of our combined strength - credit to friendship and family and love.

Anxiety has been the hardest part of the past week, and I have not done too well in keeping that in check. It comes in waves, at times very manageable, at others overwhelming. I plan to discuss with Dr. Plowman today whether medication could be considered to help me with this right now, in the short term of supporting me through the next few months. I went to the Haven for a workshop on stress/anxiety relief, in my active stance of addressing this as holistically as I can. I was in a group of 17 women, all of whom had experienced breast cancer in one form or another. Ironically, by the end of it I felt very much alone - "jealous" of their stories of recovery or the fact that their cancer had not metastasised or that all they had needed was a lump removed and few sessions of radiotherapy... feeling very much that their journey appeared so simple while mine was so complex and monumental. I left more anxious than when I arrived. It is so easy to fall into self pity! I would love to have a mentor of sorts - to be able to meet another woman who has been in my similar position and made it out the other end strong and tough, and in so doing be able to coach me "from the inside" of how to best get through this.

But, regardless, I remind myself that I have my wonderful troops to guide me, and that my inner voice, although frightened and shaky, is still strong. I verbalise my fears, and then I affirm my hope. I focus on the present, dream of a better tomorrow, and plan on a great future. I will get out of this rut, I will overcome this set back. That is all it has been: a set back. I just have to learn to take every round in the ring for what it is: a step by step process. I will get knocked down, but I can punch back just as hard. One round at a time.

It has been wonderful to see new names on the blog (how I miss you all!), and so comforting to know of how many, many blog readers check in on me every day. I will write more later, as I want to share some great shots of the happy highlights that have made me smile in the past few days. Because there are always highlights and silver linings, no matter how dark the clouds above may seem. Let the rain fall, for the skies, I promise you, will eventually clear.