A Warm Cup of Tea!

Years ago, my dear friend Alessandra gave me a journal to write thoughts on things that make me happy. So started my "happy list". This is a list of dates with things that made me happy in life at that time. One of the things on my list that makes me happy is "tea with Alex". Sitting with my friend, drinking tea and having great conversation with a friend that you can just be yourself with is one of the best things in life (even when your friend drinks stinky smokey tea! LOL). So, on this cloudy gray day in Jacksonville, FL, I am thinking about you Alex and wishing I was with you to have one of these happy moments. With the comfort of tea in mind, I also wanted to share this Irish Blessing that I love so much.

May you always have

Walls for the winds,

A roof for the rain,

A Warm Cup of tea by the fire,

Laughter to cheer you,

Those you love near you,

And all your heart might desire!

All my love, - Mary

The brave warrior

Dear Panda,
A few days have passed since round 5. I hope that now pains and discomfort are lifting and you're starting to enjoy the nice sunny days ahead. The armour has dents and scratches, you write. Please remember that each scratch and dent that scars your body also hurts the cells that should not be in your body. It's a punch-up. Hang in there. "Easier said than done", you are probably thinking. But you know that, as much as this ordeal is changing you, your old you is still there, strong and obstinate and motivated and will not give in. That, about you, I believe will not change. Your new you will be more tired and bruised, feel older and wiser, but will always be the determined Alessandra I know and admire. Hugs!

more pics of the winning team

Danda,

Thought I would share some more pics of the winning Brand New Secondhand racing team. The youngest member, Thomas Whalen, looks like Chris at about the same age-cracked me up!

xoxo,

Lex

Miracles Do Happen Part II

Well, I guess the family's luck is contagious...This weekend Chris came in first in the IC-24 class in St. Thomas' Rolex Cup Regatta. He pulled this off by a one point win and will once again don the winners' green Rolex watch! His first watch he won was stolen out of his car in the boatyard in Florida. Sometimes things just do work out in the end!

In the same breath, Dad's Villanova basketball team defeated Pittsburg and has moved on to the Final Four. Truly amazing since the game was won on a two point lay up as point guard, Scottie Reynolds, dribbled and fought through a line of defense to put the ball in the net with .5 seconds remaining in the game. It gives one chills to watch such a miraculous win.

Congrats to Dad and Chris on their big wins. And Danda, I think good news always boosts ones' spirits so hopefully all this good fortune will roll on to you next! Keep in mind that things won by a very small margin can have a very big outcome!

I, on the other hand, did not win anything this weekend, but felt accomplished as a rode the triathlon course for the first time this weekend which has put my nerves at ease that I can conquer the bike. There are a couple of hills that are worth putting in some extra hill workouts for in order to face them with confidence on race day, but at least I now know what to expect. I ran today and had an extra zip in my step so my running is getting stronger despite my continuous tired legs. The doing it for Danda training is going well!

I also am so grateful for Spring's official arrival. The roads are bursting with wildflowers and this makes me so happy. Running takes on new meaning when every step you take offers is like a trip down the yellow brick road. The colors reminiscent of gum drops and bubble gum of every color.

Bright smiles coming your way this week Danda!

Much love,
Alexis

A Wish for Tomorrow

Hello Alex,

I am sending you a huge hug and a big wish that tomorrow brings some sunshine at least enough for a walk in the park. You are in my thoughts every minute!

Love
Lisa

FOR THE BOYS!

I suddenly realize that I started a posting last week when we were putting the men up on their deserved pedastal. I saved it to draft, and now I will finish it. Chris and his squeeze, Jessica, spent last weekend playing water taxi for Jimmy Buffet and his band who were playing a wedding gig on Virgin Gorda. It was an intimate affair with Netscape co-founder, Jim Clark, 65, exchanging vows with Australian supermodel, Kristy Hinze, 28....a match made in heaven and one that the pre-nup lawyers must have enjoyed. A good time was had by all including Chris and Jessica who, when Buffet was not aboard the boat, created the attached image. I give you Jessica and J.B's guitar!

OLD YOU/NEW YOU

Danda darling,
Reading over your last post brought all sorts of pictures to mind, and all of them were of the "old you". I liked the "old you". You just need some minor adjustments. I love my image of you padding down the stairs at From Away Farm dressed in those gray PJ bottoms, a white T-shirt and, depending on the temperature ,a sweater or vest. You drift through the dining room, enter the kitchen and head for the tea kettle on the stove. Soon you waft out onto the deck, teacup in hand (or in hands) as you encircle the cup with them for added warmth. Do not change that "old you". Just change the tea from black to green.
I next find you at the computer, all day it would seem, except for a pit stop, more tea and perhaps the zing of chocolate. Don't stop writing reports. Write fewer and make them shorter. Edit. Once in a while, head out the door for a walk; just a quick brisk jaunt to clear the cobwebs. Walk further, breathe deeper, check out the leaves and the birdsong and now listen to James' chatter and expressions of wonder and delight. Do not return to the computer after the walk. Read a book. Draw something. Listen to music. Hold Julian's hand.
I don't think the "old you" has really changed. I believe that the "new you" may be the "old you" but just a little older, a little wiser and having come to the realization that we cannot micro-manage and control everything. If it were so, somebody would have stopped the world twirling on its axis and we would all have fallen off into the great abyss. With hugs and more hugs, LSC

Rebounding?! That's the name of the game!

Danda,

You talked about rebounding in your latest post which leads me so nicely into this post. Do you know rebounding is a basketball term?! With your height perhaps you played this in grade school once upon a time, but then again maybe not?!

Yes Danda, there is a Santa Clause and by way of that I will tell you miracles do happen! In a moment that I am sure my father will not soon forget, Villanova, my father's college alma mater, beat Duke in the NCAA Basketball tournament last night. Now, please don't think I can give any stats beyond this except to say that Duke is good...really good. And with the tournament starting with 62 teams the fact that Villanova is still in it as part of what they call the Elite 8 is amazing! Any guy reading this post will be able to identify with how sweet the win must have been for the under dogs! Based on is team's performance last nightI think if Dad typed a few lines on the blog today they would read, "Alessandra, if you play hard, keep your head in the game and believe you can win, then by God you will!" I think he also would have said you have flick your wrist when you shoot the ball will go in the net, but that might be more aimed at my basketball game then yours~!

I am excited for the weekend since the sun is shining and our foggy city by the bay is indulging in the warm weather we rarely get! I love you and will perhaps post a weekend update as I plant my garden and tan my legs--may warm weather shine on you in London as well.

Lex

Reflections and Rebounding.

Dear All,

The wind and rain are creating an orchestra of sound outside my window, and I am cosily indoors, with James asleep for his afternoon nap. My mother has headed back to Madrid for a week, the first time that she has been back home since my diagnosis three months ago. Poor woman, she so needs and deserves this break. My nausea, which unexpectedly knocked me sideways yesterday, seems to have lifted once again, hopefully for good in this between-cycle period.

I continue to try to toy with "normalcy", only to find that I must take things one day at a time, and be patient. My days are dictated by how strong or weak my body feels, by what hospital appointments I have, by what other commitments I have dared to make. I have learned, the hard way, that in my current chapter I cannot plan ahead more than a few days at best, as my blood counts might let me down or my energy will simply not be there. The "old me" would have pushed through this in stubborn determination. The "new me" is learning to recognise that I need to listen to my body and, more importantly, that I need to heed what it is saying. The "old me" would have taken pride in achieving despite the tiredness and the strain. The "new me" is learning to recognise that the biggest achievement is to have a rested, calm being.

This last round of chemo was a toughie, as I guess they all are, and I am feeling that the warrior inside of me is still very strong in spirit, but that my body armour is definitely covered in a growing number of large dents and deep scratches. However, the armour is still there, still on and still ready for the rounds that lie ahead. Even in the hardest of times, I tell myself, even on those lowest of low days, rebounding is central to this fight. And, on that theme, Julian's uncle sent me the following link to a short animated feature that I simply loved and wanted to share: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHgahrjsqmY It just made me break out into a big grin.

Hugs to you all.

Hello!

Hello My Friend!

I haven't been on this for a while. So to get caught up I'll start with the rollercoaster. You and Stephen will be sitting on the side lines watching the rollercoaster together. But at the same time his favorite song he's turned you onto is Ronan Keating Life is a rollercoaster. (Great one for the CD) Remember?? Life is a rollercoaster just got to ride it!!

I am so jealous of all who get to see James everyday!! Boy is he cute, and you can tell by his face he is fun, and shows you all new tricks everyday. I so what to be part of that with you.

I'm watching Dancing with the stars tonight with out you. I have to say it's not a great cast this time around. Max's partner you can tell he isn't thrilled with.

Boy I wish you were here. Stephen is travelling and Jeff has been here both nights for dinner. It's nice having him around. His closing is tomorrow for his new house. I can't wait for you to see it. He sends his best and wants to be part of the blog. I sent the link, but will send him Alexis's e-mail. He wants to be one of the men supporting you.

I thought I'd send the picture of the men here who laugh and cry everyday as they think and talk about you. I can imagine you know which one is doing most of the crying.

I will talk to you soon!!

Love you and so glad to hear you are feeling better and continuing to lick this pain in your ass!!

Your friend and person,

Eve

P.S. Denise and Max just got eliminated. I think he's relieved!!

Girl Power Galore... and Some Juice....

Dear All,

I am about to get into bed, and decided to check the blog before calling it a day.... and saw your posting Alexis and had to laugh out loud! At no point did I think you were diminishing the men in the group or the non-writers... heck, I am all for celebrating girl power at its best, and all your postings and those of the other women are a testament to how absolutely wonderful this can be! I love it with all my heart. I just thought I'd say a "hello" and call out to all the men out there who I know are in this with us, and to all the non-posters who similarly share in this space. :-) Good night to you all!

P.S. This afternoon, James saw my glass of bright purple home-made juice (broccoli, carrots, apple and beetroot) and went ballistic for a taste - literally gasping, sticking out his tongue, straining to reach for the glass - so, I gave him one sip, and he wanted more.... so I gave him two... and then one last sip... poor kid has had indigestion all evening long. Farting up a storm and definitely dealing with a tummy ache. But sweetheart that he is, he managed a toothy smile for me in between the tears. Gotta love him.

oh, blogger, did I put my foot in my mouth or what?!

Well, if I didn't put my foot in my mouth once in a while I wouldn't be the fiery Sagittarius that I am! Danda, you are quite right about those not on the blog, but fighting alongside you in so many other ways. In no way did I mean to diminish their importance in my "girl power" moment as each one of them in this fight is a nurturer in their own way. Men are certainly the stalwart ones and I did not mean to lessen their impact on your life. I know each one is so important to you and a needed compliment to a woman be it friend, boyfriend, or husband. I LOVE the pictures of all the men and James-what is more attractive than a man and a baby. Too bad single men don't know this trick or they would all be bouncing a baby on their lap! And to those not on the blog, you are invaluable to in Danda's recovery and I thank you for looking out for her in your own unique ways!

I hear Anthony has taken his cooking skills to a new level-nutritionist? I love it, he can consider you his first project and success story that he can say launched his career. Maybe since you are up again you are able to eat a little more to help regain your strength? I am glad you are up again and able to breathe in some fresh air. That shaky feeling must be unsettling, but take it a little bit at a time. The beauty of moving slowly is you get to take in so much more around you that is generally missed as we move at a clip that takes us from place to place in our daily lives.

Lindsay, I will take you up on organizing the music that has already been suggested. Thanks for getting the idea going and compiling the songs. Danda, is your ipod officially up and running?

XOXO,
Lex

What a Wonderful Troop of Women and Men

Dear All,

Tuesday morning, and the nausea is finally beginning to ebb. I hope to venture out for half an hour, to get some fresh air in my lungs and stretch my legs. I still feel weak and shaky, so little by little I will regain my strength. It is freezing here, however; spring seemed to have arrived last week, only to retreat again, unexplained, behind the veil of wintry temperatures. The daffodils and crocuses and cherry blossoms appear a little out of place, but they are nonetheless holding their own, steadfast in their resolution to make it through the chill... I admire that resolve, and am trying to emulate it as best I can.

Alexis, you mention all the women of the blog, and yes I do adore the "girl power" that emanates in every word of the posts. I do know that there are many other women, family and friends of mine, who are regular readers of the blog, adding to the troops in their less publicly vocal albeit equally strong "voice" of female support in my life. But I thought I'd post a thank you to the men too, many of whom I also know are regular readers of this post, who send me wishes of cheer and encouragement in their own way, who think of me with positivity and conviction of recovery, and whose belief in my being "whole" again I feel without the need for written words. Of course, there are three particular men in my life, as the photos above show (of my father, Julian, and Chiara's boyfriend Anthony), whose support is a huge presence in my every day, and who share the precious role of helping to look after us girls (me, my sister, my mother) and our boy, through the ups and the downs of this journey. Husbands, fathers, boyfriends - hooray for the male contigent in all of this.

Hugs, as always, to every single one of you in my wonderful troop.

Sleeping tiger

Hi Panda,
I was so moved by your post on Mother's day, so soon after round 5 and while you still felt weak and poisoned. You are really spoiling your blog fans! ;)

When you lie in bed all curled up waiting for the pain to go away, I imagine you like an exhausted tiger after a long hunt, who is cute, cuddly, too tired, BUT still a dangerous, powerful, majestic predator, and as soon as she raises her head after regaining her strength, no competitor for her territory is safe. No competitor is safe!

Hang in there!

The Music

Hey there - I have been absent for a little while from the blog, but not for lack of thoughts and love and general Alex mojo. Happy happy belated birthday, my friend. I wish I could have shared your stack of birthday crepes. Sounds like it was bursting with antioxidants, admiration, and adoration. About the music...I keep fantasizing about the mix I am going to create, and sadly, I haven't gotten off the ground, yet. I'm happy to keep it on my list, or, Alexis, if you are groovin' to get it groovin', you should groove on, girlfriend. Let me know if you start working on it so we don't duplicate our efforts. Sending all my love across the water - Lindsay
ps - It's funny how I start to feel like I know the Connect the Dots bloggers. Imagine the "reunion" celebration we can have when Alex is well!!! How fun would THAT be?!?!?

To all the "she's" who surround you!

Well, here I am Monday morning attempting "feel good" email #2.What I was saying before the internet took my blog post “somewhere over the rainbow” was that I am so glad to hear from you Danda. The few words you typed made me feel as if I was right there with you for those few moments you had enough strength to sit up and speak your mind. I am sure you feel God awful right now--probably hating life. Ironic isn’t it?! But you will life again soon when you visit Dr. Plowman and he tells you that you are making headway, you are defying the odds, and are getting a little better everyday. But it seems like forever that you have been making this headway.

I digress for a moment from my original email for a little story on the subject of making progress little by little. When I left for my bike ride yesterday I felt empowered, fueled up and ready to push through the blustering winds outside. I got out on the road and the winds were one thing, but the gusts were another. Each strong puff blew me sideways and I fought back leaning into the wind to try and stay on course. Then to add insult to injury the hill came! My legs were tired from pounding on the pedals. I began to climb; the good news was at least I was in the lee of a mountain so the wind was no longer a factor.

I got on the hill and didn’t shift down to my lowest gear, "the infamous grandma gear" as they call it. Seriously, I was always told use what you are given and let me tell you grandma is the only reason I sometimes get up a hill! Up, up, up. I arrive at the top. The elation!! I did it. I must be getting stronger I thought to myself. But where did this strength come from and when did it happen? Danda, you too have the strength and have come a LONG way, but over so many days things might feel only subtly different, your strength ebbing, but no, you are stronger, grandma be damned! Well, maybe not our grandma because our Gran was wonderful and saw us up many a hill! Keep trucking up that hill-take the weight off your mind and envision lightness and calm as you

Ok, so back to where I was on Sunday when I was originally writing this post. I was wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day. You are a wonderful mother, I can tell from the way you look at James and marvel at how you were blessed with such an angel! Then I went on to wish all the women on this blog a Happy Mother’s Day even though only some of you are mothers I think we are all mothers at heart. Nurturers to the nth degree! I know the men are out there thinking of Danda and wishing her well with their random acts of kindness, but have you noticed it is the women standing in solidarity on this blog. Sally, do you think there is a reason that boats are called "she!" I look forward to meeting you some day; you seem like my kind of woman! Danda, I am continuing to be intrigued by your family and friends on the other side of the pond-where have you been hiding them? I missed the wedding, my fault! But maybe that is why you need to renew your vows!

I hope you have gotten that ipod up and running. If not, maybe I can help, let me know. Lindsay, wanted to see where the "get psyched and beat cancer" music mix is. If you have not already burned a disc and sent it off I have a great idea for getting the music to her. In something that sounds like what an AA meeting participant would I confess, "My name is Alexis. I am 32 years old and I just bought an i-pod and logged into itunes for the first time." MUSIC, SO MUCH MUSIC! Danda, I feel like itunes will get you through these hellish days as well as enrich the ones in between. Music can change a mood in a minute. I mean, here I am listening to my music on the bus and writing this email and thinking going to work isn’t so bad. THAT’S POWERFUL STUFF!

And welcome to our newest member of the clan, Chrissy. So glad you’ve joined this amazing community of people, all ready I can see you will fit right in!

Danda, I love you immensely. With a kiss on the forehead and a big hug I wish you a peaceful evening.

Lex

In My Thoughts and On My Mind

Hello Alex,

If I could, I would give you a break from round #5. If I could, I would make it a sunshiney Mother's Day just for you so you could go outside with James and just listen to the birds and watch the squirrels. If I could, I would make chemo a piece of cake. Again, I am sorry that it has to hurt for it to work, but I know that these moments are getting you to where you need to be. I know that all good things will come to you and that you will not have to take any more roller coaster rides - just afternoons with James, birds, and squirrels.

I hope that the brigher moments are here soon. I am trying some new juice recipes and will send them soon! All my love and hugs my friend. I love you very much.

Lisa H

Somwhere over the rainbow!

Yes, that is right! Somewhere over the rainbow! That is where my latest post resides. It was a good one I thought. Filled with motivational words, a Rosie the Riveter-like mantra underscoring how wonderful women are on this Mother's Day in the UK. And then in the push of a button a fatal error wiped the words, great idea that I was posing to Lindsey and my recently uploaded photograph and sent it...somewhere over the rainbow.

A deep breath and practice in patience allowed me to try and send nother message without swearing or throwing the computer out the window. Danda, I feel the frsutration you must be experiencing and now I will go to that "happy place" for a while before settling in to try and retype my message. See you shortly. I love you!!

Lex

THINK MINK!

I sit here at the computer visualizing you as a Lincolnville chipmunk curled up in a tight ball waiting for spring. It's coming! I can also visualize that "heavy coat" cloaking your being. Try, even though I suspicion you are a rabid save the fur and feathered, visualizing that coat as mink - soft, warm, glowing the unique color that only nature makes. I bet there are a few dozen little creatures who would sacrifice themselves on your behalf . I know a dozen or so rabbits in Mr. MacGregor's garden who would gladly step up to the plate. Actually, maybe a nice, new Maxmara wool coat is a better idea. Wool is renewable.

I have often wondered how sheep feel after they are shorn. Damn, I'll bet it's a bit brisk! I mean, really, how would you like to saunter into a pasture some morning, the mist still lying in the valley, the sun barely peeping above the trees. There is Farmer Frank over by the fence, with faithful dog, Nip, at his side. A bird twitters in the apple tree branches that bend over the old stone wall. A bee buzzes nearby. It is a lazy, soft day, a good day for grazing. All of a sudden all hell breaks loose. You are attacked by Nip, thrown to the ground and pinned down by Farmer Frank and a wave of cold air creeps along your body as your personal blanket is deftly removed on one side and then the other. You struggle to your feet, your privates exposed, and the ice age has returned in a flash. You are naked for all the birds and bees to see. All this for a Maxmara wool coat?! Someday soon, when you next see Alexis, get her to describe her trip to Scotland with Christopher. It was a very merry excursion which included stopping by the road to watch Farmer Frank do his thing, only he asked Chris to help. I guarantee you will be rolling in the aisle!

From the Trenches

Dear All,

A quick note, as I struggle to sit up for more than a few moments without feeling poorly. I am in bed, and at my most comfortable curled up in a little ball on my side, buried under the covers, envisioning feeling "whole" again post this mini-hibernation. Everything aches, and I once more feel as if the plug has been pulled... as if I have a really thick and heavy coat on that is weighting me down, that is preventing me from moving freely, and that is making me want to crawl out from under it and be free of my skin. My apetite is shot, but I have managed a few basics to keep the engine running, and I do my best to sip iced water and the occasional juice to keep hydrated. My mother and sister are out with James for a walk on this sunny day - it is Mother's day here, and my "girls" have taken on the mothering role for me today with so much love. James talks and talks and talks - I am keen to make recordings of his voice, my favourite sound in the world. His second tooth has made an appearance! OK, my time is up - I must go put my head down again and tune into the visualisations and music that fuel my vibrant images of recovery and hope. I may be curled up in an unhappy ball, but there is hidden momentum in my form and my goal is always in sight, even in these darkest of days. Love to you all.

We row with you...we sail with you!

Ciao Danda!  What to say of your beautiful post, and all the memorable details which remind us of the magic we can find in so many seemingly meaningless moments of our lives?  GRAZIE!!!  I can also tell you that today my taste buds went to paradise as they ate my first "suppli" from one of my favourite bars in Rome!  Just as my eyes did looking at the elegant cypress trees and generous Mediterranean pines framing a stunning evening sky.  Ahh, ´tis true that "la vita è bella" when we choose to see it that way!  You´ve made a clear choice to keep living this way so make sure you stay faithful to this worthy goal...notwithstanding the inevitable roller coaster ride!  

Although I don´t have my "Sailing to Barcelona" diary with me here in Rome, I want to share a part of it that still has a place in my memory even if the words are not exactly how I wrote them.  You see, at the beginning of my "Sailing to Barcelona" adventure, I felt completely alone.  I had been given a vision, an idea, a mere dream and I had (very naively!) offered myself to make it come true.  I felt I had jumped onto a majestic, powerful boat with which I had had an immediate love-at-first-sight, but had no one to row or sail with.  Suddenly I was being swayed by waves much larger, scarier and ominous than I could have imagined.  I used all my might, all my strength, all my love, all my soul...and yet it wasn´t enough.  When I would crumble in dispair, my wise and loving boyfriend reminded me: "You are alone, now, as you row your boat.  But as you keep rowing, someone you´ve inspired will jump on the boat and row with you.  Then as you row ahead with a helping hand, someone else will join your voyage.  And soon, you´ll realize that...your boat is full and you´re no longer sailing alone!"  It was hard to imagine when he uttered those words, but once I´d found (or can we say attracted?:) ) my "dream team", the memory of his words brought a smile to my face.  

I apologize in advance for all these sailing analogies, but I feel that your roller coaster ride could also be a trans-oceanic sailing voyage...where the stomach-churning ups and downs are not carts on metal frames but a boat riding giant waves; where the vicious turns are actually a slap in your face by a violent gust of wind; and where the tremendous relief that invades you as the cart slows down is the peaceful, rewarding lull after the storm.  I hope you feel us all with you on this roller-coaster-ride/trans-oceanic sailing voyage!  You have fought, inspired, believed, loved, and shared from your heart during these challenging months and now you can take a step back, let go of the rudder for a moment, and look at your boat.  It´s full of people who admire and love you, who are inspired by you and willing to fight with you.  It´s full of people who are more than ready to reach the beautiful "traguardo" that comes after all the roller coaster rides (it´s hard to find an English translation for this powerful word meaning so much more than simply "goal"...."traguardo" speaks of a physical as well as a spiritual place to reach once you´ve achieved your objectives).  

And again, I leave you with the wise words of my "caro Papà" as I know he is cheering for you and sending you positive energy from his new realm of Peace: "La fede non ha paura!".

Love, Sally    

"I'm on Your Side..."

Alessandra/Danda/Panda (I love all the names you have acquired over the years!),
You are the focus of my very first blog submission. Thank you for breaking me in to this way of communicating with you and joining an online community of other friends and family members. Perhaps you may think it a dubious honor, given the circumstances; fair enough, but still it makes me happy to add my meager two cents to the outpouring of positive sentiments that I have recently read, all directed at you. I feel as if I am adding my voice to a Carnegie Hall chorus, and almost invariably the “music” is joyous, celebratory, intimate, occasionally caustic and saucy and outside the box, but always heartfelt. Once I actually sat in the highest tier of Carnegie Hall to hear a Simon and Garfunkel concert, being too poor on my teacher’s salary to do any better. It was magical, even if the pair looked like miniatures on the stage! The acoustics are so good there that you can hear clearly, even pressed up against the ceiling. I am reminded now of their beautiful lyrics to “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and the way we would all lay ourselves down to get you through and over this perilous period. When you get the least little bit weary or sad, take comfort from that.
When I read your entries, it’s a little like getting a golden ticket each time. I am amassing these treasures as I take stock of the little and the big milestones that you have passed, the physical and emotional breakthroughs, each happy time you spend with James and see his smile spread over that darling face, the liberation you feel after going to The Haven, even the celebratory tone to your descriptions of food. You allow us to vicariously live through moments that would seem ordinary otherwise but now become of the utmost significance.
So “sail on, silver girl.” We’re “sailing right behind” and blowing hard to keep your sails full. Don’t worry about what you can’t change and let others do whatever you don’t have to concern yourself with. Just concentrate on making yourself whole again in body, mind and soul.
Hugs and love, Chrissy

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

Hope, as defined in the dictionary, is desire accompanied by expectations of fulfillment. Here is HOPE photographically illustrated in black and white. The top picture was taken in mid-February and the second taken on the first day of spring!

A few warm days and sitting in the chairs, face to the sunshine, might be a real possibility.

A few more days and you too will feel more like image #2 than image #1. Keep your eyes on the sunshine and not on the clouds. Hugs from the whole St. Thomas contingent including Peanut, Cashew and a host of lizards.

Alessandra/Panda/Danda's heavenly diet

I know you as the supremely poised, professional, friend, woman "Alessandra." But over the past few months, despite your being so far away, I have come to know you so much more, and I find myself thinking of you periodically as "Danda." It's actually quite wonderful, and one of those silver linings we can look toward. You have such a tremendous following of loving friends and family that I never would have seen so many pictures of you and James. How could you possibly keep up?

That said, this part is a message to those loving family and friends. Thank all of you so much for all of your generousity. Alessandra's descriptions of the organic food and creative, healthy diet are pleasure enough, but it is great to see the healing it is promoting - hopefully not only for Alessandra but for all of you caring for her in the trenches. I just wanted to put in another shameless plug for the Whole Foods account - our goal is to keep it fully loaded throughout the treatments at the very least. www.supportforalessandra.homestead.com

Thank you.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

Round 5 and I am sure you have "gone to ground", so to speak, like a smart fox, curled up in your bed with your new Ipod and headphones. Close your eyes and just listen. Let the melodies wash over and caress you, be they courageous march or adagio by Albinoni. Have you recently heard Lark Ascending by Vaughn Williams? What a lovely, restful contemplation. It is an immensely soothing piece. I am a very bad mathematician, so why is it that music makes sense to me? Music is organized, has structure. Why then do I, slightly dingy and with more than a few screws loose, find music so rewarding? Perhaps, somebody will explain. I leave you with a charming bit of rhyme:

"And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares that infest the day

Shall fold their tents like the Arabs

And silently steal away." - H.W. Longfellow (I think)

You are an angel!!

Danda,

I just read your post and I am amazed by you! You are a force to be reckoned with. I want to write more, but am exhausted myself and am in melt down stage as Jeff calls it. It is the moment that my whole body just hits the point of exhaustion and needs to shut down or the melt down occurs and trust me it is not pretty! So I will write more tomorrow. But for now know that I am with you and so are all of your soldiers pushing ahead.

Oh, and how could I forget, the pajamas!! You received them. That is truly a miracle! I sent them back in December and thought that never made it because I realized in mailing things to you since that I had the wrong address. Heard mom wrong on the phone and put a 2 instead a Q or something like that in the sip code. But I am SO HAPPY that they made it to you. When I first saw James all I could think is what a little angel and then found the pajamas to complete the picture! He is a blessing and is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. The day I get to hold him I might not give him back!

I love you!
Lex

Floating on a cloud

Hi Panda,
Thank you for the long post. I often check the blog just to see if there is any news from the front line. I like reading from your own words how you're doing and I appreciate you taking the time and using your freshly recovered energy to write us. This time I felt like I was really being there with you, with all the details you gave about your diet and the long description of the last few days. You're really eating healthy, but giving up cheese must be tough :) Very nice the dessert that Chiara and Anthony prepared, in particular the candles spelling "thirty-ish"! And the photo of James with his hands in his lap that you posted this time is the most beautiful of all. He's so cute!

I'll think of you tomorrow, like I always do when you have your round. The good thing about this one is that there are only two--max 3--of these left. You're definitely past the midpoint, you've covered most of the way, you're almost at the end of this unpleasant phase. Then the new cycles of chemo will be less intense and give you less pain and discomfort altogether. Better days are coming, and the rollercoaster rides will be smoother. Not being hit in the body with so much poison all at once will leave you more energy throughout each cycle and will make it easier to fight off negative thoughts and fears. For this round I wish you a rollercoaster ride without turns, bumps, or slopes, and with big suspensions in the car! Like floating on a cloud :)

BRUSSEL SPROUTS!!!

I thought I was the only person in the world who liked brussel sprouts. I buy them twice a year, in Maine, fresh out of someone's garden. I cook them secretively and eat them as I sit all alone in my meadow. Fetching thought, eh what? Peter HATES brussel sprouts. He ate them when he was stationed in England, and he said their color, when cooked, resembled the drab olive of his uniform. Say brussel sprouts to him and his skin crawls! Send me Lisa Hilley's recipe so I can win him over! Your diet is amazing. Given what I eat, I must be dead and don't know it!
I leave you today with a thought for tomorrow:
"An optimist is the human personification of spring" - S.J. Bissonette

Rollercoasters, goodness and angels.

Dear All,

It's the eve of Round #5, and I sit here with my usual mix of apprehension in my knowledge of what is to come tomorrow, and of determination in my belief that I need this medicine to heal so bring it on. My blood counts have been persistently low this time, a testament that my body, while strong, is feeling the cumulative "hits" of the chemo cycles full blast... as always I trust that the cancer is feeling those hits a powerfully as the rest of my healthy cells are. I have had a few people say to me recently, "You have a great chance of beating this..." My attitude remains - I don't have a chance at beating this, I WILL beat this - just watch me. Ironically, I have always been one to absolutely loathe rollercoasters (ask Chiara, and she will share with you many a story of public humiliation.... e.g., at age 8, they had to stop the baby rollercoaster ride at the Tivoli amusement park in Copenhagen- it had one bump, literally a "bump" - because I had such a panic attack I just HAD to get off)...and yet now I find myself on the biggest rollercoaster ride I ever could have imagined. I continue to have my moments of panic, of true fear, or real low lows, of desperation, but I am doing this, I will do this. I am only getting off when the ride is over, and I am healed. I promise this to myself, and to you all. Just watch me. And then I never want to take a rollercoaster ride ever again, OK? :-)

Thank you for all your birthday wishes - your collection of calls, messages, emails, postings and cards filled my day with such cheer. I began my birthday with James' huge smile when I said good morning to him as he lay in his cot - as is now his routine every morning, he reaches up when he sees me and holds my face in his hands, and grins and squeals in delight... what better gift than that to start one's day? The rest of my day combined time in the hospital for my blood work, a long walk in the sunshine with my parents, a trip to the Haven to see a doctor of Herbal Medicine, and a little bit of work as I prepared for a parent feedback session (I took on one case this month, with a family who insisted that they would wait to be seen by me no matter how long it took). My evening was at home, with James, Julian, my parents, Chiara and her boyfriend Anthony. Chiara bought organic dips and chips that I could eat as an aperitivo, followed by cooking some salmon, baby potatoes and chives, roasted brussel sprouts (a Lisa Hilley fabulous recipe), and green beans. But the piece de resistance was Chiara and Anthony's concocting a desert for my birthday (not easy, given my dietary restrictions), which ended up being a pile of wholemeal crepes which they stacked and topped with candles (that spelled "thirty-ish"), which we later filled with bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, grapes and manuka honey. I was spoiled with gifts and hugs and kisses. Lucky girl, I say.

Speaking of food, I have been asked about my new diet a lot, which I believe to be as crucial to my recovery as my chemo. Basically, I have completely eliminated dairy - I have soy milk (unsweetened) or rice milk in my cereal, and have been advised to try almond milk too as an alternative. All are acquired tastes, but not bad at all. Butter is now soy butter, cheese (my beloved cheese) is out. I have also eliminated refined sugar - the only sugar I have is in the form of fruit, or the occasional Manuka honey. Anything that lists sugar as an ingredient is a no go area right now, as cancer cells thrive on sugar, and so the f***ker is being starved. Another area that has been elimiated is red meat. So, I eat a lot of fish, and a lot of vegetarian dishes, with the occasional chicken or duck. I eat a huge amount of berries every day - blueberries, raspberries, strawberries... all of whose compounds are reported to make cancer cells commit suicide. My breakfasts are usually a cup of hot water and lemon, some green tea, followed by toast (spelt bread), a cup of organic muesli, and a banana. My mid morning snack is a home-made, freshly-made juice of carrots, broccoli, beetroot, and apple (sometimes I add celery and cucumber). Lunch is raw vegetables mostly - a salad of mixed greens, spinach leaves, red cabbage, tomatoes, avocadoes and mixed grains (quinoa, kidney beans, spelt, barley), and hummus and spelt bread. I sometimes have freshly made miso soup, or an egg or tofu omelette. Mid afternoon snack is again a freshly made vegetable juice (the "superfood" of my nutrition) and nuts (walnuts, almonds) and dried figs. Dinner is usually a concoction of roasted and/or steamed vegetables, curries, pulses, soups, fish/chicken, pasta.... I drink a ton of green tea, and I also have noni juice and aloe vera. My body has never been this healthy when it comes to nutrition. I am giving this my all. And I cannot begin to thank so many of you who I know have made this all the more possible by helping me get all of this organic goodness from Wholefoods.

On the theme of goodness and what make one so happy, which Alexis raised as a thought earlier in the blog, here are some of my favourite things which never fail to make me happy and bring a smile to my face: The smell of freshly cut grass, toast, James' skin after a bath. The feel of clean sheets on a bed, crisp autumn air on my face on a sunny day, the warmth of a good hug, sand under my bare feet, soaking in a bubble bath. The sound of the ocean on a calm early morning, music that makes your soul want to burst, James' giggles and squeals, the crackling of an open fire. The sight of sunrise, spring about to burst, dew sparkling on a meadow, children playing carefree, unsolicited affection, birds on a bird feeder, James' open smile. And my list goes on....

Many of you who follow this blog have asked how to post on it, were you to want to share a message. My cousin Alexis was the genius who set this up (words of gratitude will never do this justice), and what you require is for her to send you a link that "invites" you to be able to post. All you have to do is shoot her an email letting her know that you would like to receive the invitation link. Her email address is alexisrobinusvi@yahoo.com

I have attached two recent pictures of James - he is growing up so fast! His second tooth is coming in, and he is so wonderfully social and playful. And he is sleeping through the night - woohoo!!! Oh, and speaking of Alexis, she sent me the sweet angel pyjamas you see in one of the pictures, which I simply adore (Note: James is 7 months old, and the pyjamas are for ages 12-18 months!). I feel James is my angel in so many ways - wings or no wings, if a mother's heart can fly, and if love conquers all, then my recovery is a given.

Much love to you all, and so many thank you's for the support that never ceases to move my world.

FOR SURE YOU'RE PART IRISH!

And a Happy St. Paddy's Day to You! It would be your Great-grandmother's 134th birthday were she still kicking up her heels. I can assure you that she never drank green beer or did an irish jig. Her only sally into all things irish was her love of tweed and silver bracelets (which Alexis now wears when she wants to jingle). She sang like a lark and could play When Irish Eyes Are Smiling on the baby grand piano. I do have reference, in an ancient newspaper, that she kissed the Blarney Stone when she and her mother and sisters accompanied the Mayor of Chicago to the Emerald Isle. What her mother was doing with the mayor is probably another story we should look into as Mrs. Dore was a widow at the time! Send Julian down to the pub for a pint and tell him that the thing he loves best about you is the twinkle in your eye which is intrinsically Irish. Hugs and kisses, m' darlin' and may the sun shine on you always and bless you with warmth! LSC

HAPPY, HAPPY B'DAY

Hey there! I think this lady bears a striking resemblance to you, cute hat and all!

Have a glorious birthday and make sure James gets to blow out a candle. Pictures!Pictures, please. Hugs from across the pond on our little rockpile in the Caribbean.

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday!! It is your day! A day all for you! A day that probably has new meaning-for every year is a gift! I love you and wish you all the happiness on this particular birthday. Much love from this side of the world!

-Lex

What makes us happy

A few posts ago Alexis asked the blog community what is it that makes us so happy. Nobody replied directly, but indirectly we all have. Did you notice how the posts sprouted on the blog full of joy and happiness after your Good News post? Isn't that something? You need to be a special person to make so many people so happy :)

I wish you to have a happy birthday today, as happy as we all have been (cumulatively!) since reading your good news. May this day bring you new strength and new joy! Gosia found you in much better shape on Thursday, didn't she?

A big birthday hug.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday To You!

Happy Birthday To You!

Happy Birthday Alessandra...

Happy Birthday To You!

I hope your birthday is full of only beautiful moments that continue throughout the entire year!

BRAVISSIMA!!!

Danda querida!  ENHORABUENA!!!!  AUGURONI!!!!  E...bravissima!!!!  I had the tears flowing down my cheeks as I read your blog.  Mum had also given me the news passed on by Lucia Alessie (yes, you have a whole group of supporters and followers here in Madrid!...and Geneva-where Lorenza is; NY-where my "birichino" brother is; and even Colombia-where Jan is at the moment!)...but as your cousin said, it makes all the difference to hear it from you!  So thanks for sharing it all, the tears, the fears, the joys...they are all part of the journey and all need to be given the attention (and detachment, as my father would say) they deserve.  

Whilst reading all the beautiful, encouraging posts and your own touching words, I asked myself what I could "give" you that is meaningful, true and from the heart?  My experience with "Sailing to Barcelona" immediately popped up...I have three diaries filled with dreams, enthusiasms, obstacles, disappointments, fears, challenges, tears, inspiring quotes, and beautiful rewards.  To keep it as simple and short as possible (this blog is about you and my story is also for you): "Sailing to Barcelona" was my latest professional project, carried out in 2008.  It consisted of a first-time international event, where boats sailing in from various corners of the Mediterranean and Atlantic met in the name of our seas, oceans and coasts.  Yes, I am an environmentalist at heart and professionally :), and this was the culmination of my passion for both the sea and sailing!    My "dream project" also coincided with Papà´s numerous hospitalizations and, soon after my project´s end, his passing away (having had a beautiful, long life but facing huge physical challenges in the last years, Papà was spiritually ready to leave...but he said he was waiting for me to finish my project and I believe this.  For me it´s proof yet again of the power of Love, Faith and Believing!).

All has been worth it and it´s a journey that has taught me more than a triple masters could ever do!  So I choose to share some parts with you as your own very special journey continues...you still have what may seem like a long way to go, and there will be times when exhaustion takes its toll and confidence wanes.  But keep at it Danda!!!  You have made miracles and will continue to do so!  I end with an excerpt from my personal diary (28 Sept. 2008), which to date I have shared with no one, but which I offer to you as a humble gift:

"We walked towards Barcelona´s old harbour, our thoughts and words laden with worries and vain attempts to solve situations beyond our control.   It would have been difficult to imagine the sensations we would have only a few minutes later...As we saw the first of the 23 "Sailing to Barcelona" participating boats moored on the dock, our smiles burst open and our eyes lit up in an instant.  We walked down the dock, trembling with childish happiness for we breathed the certainty that this was the BEGINNING of something BEAUTIFUL!  It was the true beginning of our DREAM, for here it was taking form before our eyes, taking on the shapes of all that we had...BELIEVED in!  Our eyes glistened brighter than any light reflected on the dark port waters.  We were finally HOME!  This was our place.  The hours in front of the computer, the sleepless nights, the upset stomachs and moments of hopelessness...all faded, or better said, became meaningful in their meaninglessness, in the face of the complete contentness we felt.  THIS IS IT!  THIS IS WHAT WE BELIEVED IN!  THIS IS WHAT WE FOUGHT FOR, WHAT WE´VE GIVEN THE BEST OF OURSELVES FOR!! "  I add today that, there was still a steep road to walk and more obstacles to overcome, but it WAS the beginning of something beautiful!  As your wise cousin says (Alexis, A MILLION THANKS for setting up this blog and for your excellent instructions!), don´t forget the feeling you had when Doctor Plowman uttered those magic words and refer back to it whenever you enter a dark tunnel.

Much love e tanti baci,

Sally     

 

ONE MORE YOGI BERRAISM

Just couldn't resist one more from Yogi, master mangler of language and thought. Since yesterday allowed you to take a "fork in the road" with a definite arrow pointing to life, love and the pursuit of happiness, I thought you might like to buy into another of his thought-provoking pontifications.

In his delightful, brusque inflection he uttered the following:

"IT AIN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER" - Ain't it the truth. Next time you do a little yoga, think of Yogi and chuckle.

Alex,

All our love surrounding you!!!  Imagine yourself cuddling and surrounded by angels, friends, family, the and all the magnificence of the universe (and Kiska of course :) ......because you are!!!!  We just can't wait to surrounded you in hugs and kisses in person!

Tears of joy flow at your news!  You are winning one day at a time.  Yeah!!!  May you spend your day soaked in love, joy and the knowing that everyday is gift...  BREATHE...a few moments of relief to keep as you plug through!!!

I am just hoping that I have FINALLY figured out how to post to the wonderful blog site!  Alexis you are wonderful...thank god for you starting this, as it is sometimes the only place I can go to check in.  I love it!!!!

Tons of love!!!!  And love to each and everyone of you who love Alex!

FULL STEAM AHEAD 2

Go back a month or two in the posts and check out the choo-choo with all the black smoke belching from its stack. Now check out today's choo-choo! You,ve come a long way, baby! FULL STEAM AHEAD! I know you thought you might be shunted off on some lonely siding waiting for you knew not what, but NO, the "fork in the road" has a definite arrow pointing to life, love and the pursuit of happiness. Just keep visualizing the powerful locamotive of chemo turning the black smoke into white. Crank up your engine and roll along at top speed. We will fuel the fire with giggles and prayers - a potent combination.

We're dancin in the streets, luv,

We're reelin' in the dell;

We're stampin' and we stompin'

So the Big C goes to hell!

Everything Really Is Possible

What a day and what an occasion to celebrate! I have known since day 1 that anything other than beating cancer is not an option, but it sure is nice to have a moment to step back and take a deep breath. I know there is a long road ahead, but perhaps we can think of it as mini road trips with long and bright moments in between.

May tomorrow be filled with sunshine, baby kisses, and music (okay, some vegetable juice too!)

Love and hugs,

Lisa H

Happy Birthday!!!

YEAH!!!!!

What great news!!! What a lovely early birthday present!!

The flowers are for you!!! Talk about a re-gift! Your mother gave me these when she stayed here with you and Julian. I loved them so much and they were so pretty, I took pictures of them. I haven't had any since, so lovely. So Vickie thank-you again and now I want Alex to enjoy them.

Boy it was great to hear, I knew all would go well. As we've said before "look who were dealing with"!!

James looks so happy as well. He is so cute and I can't wait to meet to him!! I don't know what else to say but OH BOY IT"S A GREAT DAY!!!!!!

Love you stacks and stacks!!

From the whole Conant Rd. gang!!!!

What a wonderful day we've had!

I didn't dare check the blog while I was at school, because I knew I'd cry when I read your news. What wonderful, wonderful, words - you are healing! I spoke to a colleague at school today, who was diagnosed when her children were small, and is now a proud grandma of five. She has also become a part of your growing army of friends. So, as you continue your chemo in the coming months, look forward to all those happy years ahead of you, wife, mother, grandmama ...... Muchos abrazos.

Carissima Panda,

what great news!!!! Bravissima e non mollare!!!!!

I was reading this blog from behind the scenes. Then after reading that you believe in the power of thought and of prayers, I decided that I must join in, if only to tell you that we (Giovanni, the children and I) are all fighting alongside of you. Yes, even Federico and Domitilla surprise us with words and thoughts for you when we least expect it. 

Un bacione!

Lolilla

Against the odds, you are winning!

Danda!

Mom called as soon as she heard from Vicki and I breathed a huge sigh of relief, but it wasn't until I read your post, that it struck me-I needed to hear it from you. I needed to know that you too are breathing a sigh of relief. YOU DESERVE IT! YOU DID THIS! I know it takes an army, but YOU are fighting this and living with this disease and telling it to go away. You should be so proud of how far you have come. You are a fighter who will not stop until you win!

Based on your calendar of chemo treatements-the pills, the iv's, you name it-- I know there is still a long road ahead. It will probably get worse for you before you get better so you must remember this feeling!!! Visualize today and walking into Dr. Plowman's office to hear the good news. Bouncing James on your lap. This spirit will come to you again, but first you have more fighting to do. I will probably bring you back to today's post down the road to remind you that despite all the bad, good will come again! I love you and think you are absolutely amazing and stong and special and the list goes on and on!!!!

Panda pandissima!

Dear Panda,
I am so happy! It's great to read your good news! So great!! It is scary to think of all those chemos coming up, but you'll fight them one by one and you'll keep getting better, which is what matters, even though the pain and the discomfort are obviously something not to look forward to. There is a beautiful light at the end of this tunnel! This is what really matters, this light. And you are strong, and with all the support, professional and from family and friends, you will feel stronger and stronger and stronger. Carissima, celebrate tonight, celebrate for all the reconquered territories in your body. Inch by inch, slowly slowly, you're getting control over the whole Alessandra-land. May our thoughts turn each of the malignant cells into good ones! Un bacio.

Sorry for the rambling, just substitute all that with a hug--that's what I really wanted to say :)

Happy Dance

Words cannot describe the smile on my face right now. Do you think my coworkers would think me crazy if I start doing the happy dance around the office? On second thought, they already think I'm crazy so it won't hurt. I am so proud of you my friend for continuing to fight so hard and for not giving up and consequently for beating this thing a little more each day. I am sending you a virtual hug so warm and a smile so big that it will last until I can give you one myself in the hopefully not too distant future. I love you, love you, love you my friend. Give James a big kiss for me and a high five to all your supporters on that side of the pond. Yippppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD NEWS

Dear All,

I can't tell you how many times I have visualised walking into Dr. Plowman's office, and having him say, "I have good news...." I wished it with all my being, I hoped it with all my heart, I imagined it with all my strength. And yet there was such fear... And this afternoon, holding onto Julian's hand so tightly, I walked into Dr. Plowman's office and heard the words, "Well, I am happy to say I have good news...."

All of my tumours have shrunk (surreal, as always, to refer to them as a "collective"). My liver has shown particularly significiant progress, which is what Dr. Plowman said is the most important factor and indicator of my healing. My breast has also gone down significantly. My lymph nodes have shown comparatively less of a great change, but still continue to shrink nonetheless. Originally reported "suspicious spots" on my lungs are now gone. My bones were not scanned per se, as I was told that "healing spots" on bones show up the same as malignancies this early on - and if all the rest of me is responding well to chemotherapy, then those small spots are expected to have done the same. All, in all, I am healing, I am healing, I AM HEALING!!!

So where do we go from here? The road is long, and looks like at least from the chemo front, will be even longer. I am supposed to keep on track with two more rounds of this intensive chemo (March 18th and April 8th), with the possibility of a seventh round. Then, I am now scheduled to continue with a second "chapter" of chemo: instead of getting an intensive chemo treatment one day with a 21 day break (given to me intravenously, and it is a wham to my body), the new chemo would be given to me everyday for 14 days with a seven day break. This would be given in tablet form (with extra chemo given in injections on days #1 and #8). It is presumably less of a hit to my immune system, as the chemo is given over 14 days instead of just one blast on a single day. The downside is that I have less of a "break". Dr. Plowman said that, given how well I have responded to chemo, we have to keep going, and the goal is that I have to get my liver clear. So, I will be having chemo into the summer.... deep breath... And then, all will be reassessed, to see if or when, surgery and/or radiotherapy would be the next plan.

So, it is a long road, such a long road. Overwhelming. But I know that I have it in me to fight this, and I am crossing that finish line, however long this journey is going to take me. The chemo, the diet, the vitamin supplements, the visualisations, the faith, the love, the messages and emails and calls, my "troops"... this positive energy is working, and that's what important.

And speaking of positive energy, the photo above is of James on my lap, as we sing and play. I love his glee, his joy, and I share in it extra specially today. Thank you all for your thoughts, encouragement, and prayers. They continue to mean the world to me.

PHILOSOPHY IN THE TRENCHES

OK, Danda, put on your American sweatshirt this AM, and while I know you are a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan, you have love Yogi Berra of the New York Yankees. Mind you, he was not of your generation and barely of mine, but Nanny heard the games on the radio(!) and revelled in them. Yogi was an all around nice guy with a ready smile and big heart. He was a publicist's dream as he always had something to say, but he somehow got is a bit garbled, and in doing so has left the world a little better off . Yogi always left you smiling. Alexis speaks, in her last post, of the "fork in the road". Yogi, too, had an image of this transition when he uttered his most endearing and enduring comment on life - "When you come to a fork in the road, take it", I'll be holding your hand tomorrow. LSC

Las Hoces del Duraton

Dearest Alessandra, this blast from your past is also the first blog of my life! I finally had to admit there are still things worth learning, unlike most of my students. This blogging stuff was just silliness until I read these posts, full of everyday news, feelings, and reaching out to connect so many people that know and love you. So of course, I couldn't NOT join this collection of dots, as one way to link arms, and walk along with you for as long as you want. The last time we walked together, I was not much older than you are now - a stunning thought!

Now, I'm a little bit like this owl, ruffled, still full of questions, and at times seeing life from a different perspective. Remember, no matter how upside down the view may seem, your feet are on solid ground, and your spirit is strong. May the sun warm your heart, and be sure that I am holding you in the light every minute of every day. All my love to you.

fairies watching over you!

Danda, I found yet another pixie fairy to watch over you, these days I think you will take all the fairies you can get! If this doesn't make you laugh out loud then I am not sure what will! Here is Avery, my old roommate and best friend, Vicky's little girl. She was one hell of a determined angel for Halloween this year....and she is ready for battle as you can very well tell! Hugs and a laugh! -Lex

puddles and pixies

Danda~

I can only say that puddle of tears had to flow at some point. You are at a fork in the road; it is part of the journey you are on. Up until now your road has been a mix of difficult up hill pushes (the sisters' Dead Fred adventure has nothing on this climb!) mixed with some flat roads allowing you to regain strength; but now the fork has arrived and destinies are different depending on the road taken. I wish you could just pick your road and get on with it. But as we all know life is not easy nor fair (you and I are the cousins that have always struggled with this one it seems)! This fork forces one to pause for thought. I think the Haven is just that- a haven where you can work through and acknowledge this fork in the road. You have been so strong because it is what you had to be for yourself and your family--it was what was going to get you to this point. The anxiety that you have held deep within you is palpable. It is real and it is human. I am so glad you obviously have someone to lean on to help guide you through your emotions-maybe you can see Gosia as the troop member who is your gatekeeper to these emotions. I went to her website, she is not only beautiful with a pixie like charm from her photo, but clearly looks like someone who I would want by my side. Like Lisa H said the right people often come into our lives at the right time!

I am right beside you and will be sending every ray of light, every drop of hope and every bit of comfort your way as you count down to Wednesday afternoon. I am glad the sun is shining on you today; I hope you soaked it in. You love the sun as much as I do and I do believe its warmth can help heal! It is one of God's many gifts to us after all. I love you immensely!

Lex