Dear All,
It's the eve of Round #5, and I sit here with my usual mix of apprehension in my knowledge of what is to come tomorrow, and of determination in my belief that I need this medicine to heal so bring it on. My blood counts have been persistently low this time, a testament that my body, while strong, is feeling the cumulative "hits" of the chemo cycles full blast... as always I trust that the cancer is feeling those hits a powerfully as the rest of my healthy cells are. I have had a few people say to me recently, "You have a great chance of beating this..." My attitude remains - I don't have a chance at beating this, I WILL beat this - just watch me. Ironically, I have always been one to absolutely loathe rollercoasters (ask Chiara, and she will share with you many a story of public humiliation.... e.g., at age 8, they had to stop the baby rollercoaster ride at the Tivoli amusement park in Copenhagen- it had one bump, literally a "bump" - because I had such a panic attack I just HAD to get off)...and yet now I find myself on the biggest rollercoaster ride I ever could have imagined. I continue to have my moments of panic, of true fear, or real low lows, of desperation, but I am doing this, I will do this. I am only getting off when the ride is over, and I am healed. I promise this to myself, and to you all. Just watch me. And then I never want to take a rollercoaster ride ever again, OK? :-)
Thank you for all your birthday wishes - your collection of calls, messages, emails, postings and cards filled my day with such cheer. I began my birthday with James' huge smile when I said good morning to him as he lay in his cot - as is now his routine every morning, he reaches up when he sees me and holds my face in his hands, and grins and squeals in delight... what better gift than that to start one's day? The rest of my day combined time in the hospital for my blood work, a long walk in the sunshine with my parents, a trip to the Haven to see a doctor of Herbal Medicine, and a little bit of work as I prepared for a parent feedback session (I took on one case this month, with a family who insisted that they would wait to be seen by me no matter how long it took). My evening was at home, with James, Julian, my parents, Chiara and her boyfriend Anthony. Chiara bought organic dips and chips that I could eat as an aperitivo, followed by cooking some salmon, baby potatoes and chives, roasted brussel sprouts (a Lisa Hilley fabulous recipe), and green beans. But the piece de resistance was Chiara and Anthony's concocting a desert for my birthday (not easy, given my dietary restrictions), which ended up being a pile of wholemeal crepes which they stacked and topped with candles (that spelled "thirty-ish"), which we later filled with bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, grapes and manuka honey. I was spoiled with gifts and hugs and kisses. Lucky girl, I say.
Speaking of food, I have been asked about my new diet a lot, which I believe to be as crucial to my recovery as my chemo. Basically, I have completely eliminated dairy - I have soy milk (unsweetened) or rice milk in my cereal, and have been advised to try almond milk too as an alternative. All are acquired tastes, but not bad at all. Butter is now soy butter, cheese (my beloved cheese) is out. I have also eliminated refined sugar - the only sugar I have is in the form of fruit, or the occasional Manuka honey. Anything that lists sugar as an ingredient is a no go area right now, as cancer cells thrive on sugar, and so the f***ker is being starved. Another area that has been elimiated is red meat. So, I eat a lot of fish, and a lot of vegetarian dishes, with the occasional chicken or duck. I eat a huge amount of berries every day - blueberries, raspberries, strawberries... all of whose compounds are reported to make cancer cells commit suicide. My breakfasts are usually a cup of hot water and lemon, some green tea, followed by toast (spelt bread), a cup of organic muesli, and a banana. My mid morning snack is a home-made, freshly-made juice of carrots, broccoli, beetroot, and apple (sometimes I add celery and cucumber). Lunch is raw vegetables mostly - a salad of mixed greens, spinach leaves, red cabbage, tomatoes, avocadoes and mixed grains (quinoa, kidney beans, spelt, barley), and hummus and spelt bread. I sometimes have freshly made miso soup, or an egg or tofu omelette. Mid afternoon snack is again a freshly made vegetable juice (the "superfood" of my nutrition) and nuts (walnuts, almonds) and dried figs. Dinner is usually a concoction of roasted and/or steamed vegetables, curries, pulses, soups, fish/chicken, pasta.... I drink a ton of green tea, and I also have noni juice and aloe vera. My body has never been this healthy when it comes to nutrition. I am giving this my all. And I cannot begin to thank so many of you who I know have made this all the more possible by helping me get all of this organic goodness from Wholefoods.
On the theme of goodness and what make one so happy, which Alexis raised as a thought earlier in the blog, here are some of my favourite things which never fail to make me happy and bring a smile to my face: The smell of freshly cut grass, toast, James' skin after a bath. The feel of clean sheets on a bed, crisp autumn air on my face on a sunny day, the warmth of a good hug, sand under my bare feet, soaking in a bubble bath. The sound of the ocean on a calm early morning, music that makes your soul want to burst, James' giggles and squeals, the crackling of an open fire. The sight of sunrise, spring about to burst, dew sparkling on a meadow, children playing carefree, unsolicited affection, birds on a bird feeder, James' open smile. And my list goes on....
Many of you who follow this blog have asked how to post on it, were you to want to share a message. My cousin Alexis was the genius who set this up (words of gratitude will never do this justice), and what you require is for her to send you a link that "invites" you to be able to post. All you have to do is shoot her an email letting her know that you would like to receive the invitation link. Her email address is alexisrobinusvi@yahoo.com
I have attached two recent pictures of James - he is growing up so fast! His second tooth is coming in, and he is so wonderfully social and playful. And he is sleeping through the night - woohoo!!! Oh, and speaking of Alexis, she sent me the sweet angel pyjamas you see in one of the pictures, which I simply adore (Note: James is 7 months old, and the pyjamas are for ages 12-18 months!). I feel James is my angel in so many ways - wings or no wings, if a mother's heart can fly, and if love conquers all, then my recovery is a given.
Much love to you all, and so many thank you's for the support that never ceases to move my world.
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